Obama Picks Mabus to Head Up Gulf Operation

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 17, 2010

On Tuesday,from the Oval Office, in front of a national audience, President Barack Obama named Mabus the Sasquatch as the head of a specially created commission responsible for containing and cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Mabus the Sasquatch, currently a member of the Cooper Town Council, and the Tea Party's candidate for Governor of Minnesota, was a surprising choice by the president, considering his lack of experience on a national scale and lack of knowledge of the Gulf region, not to mention his far right political leanings. When asked why, President Obama lauded Mabus' knowledge of the environment and his no-nonsense approach to problem solving. "I'm confident", said President Obama, "that Mr. Mabus will do what it takes, and do it quickly, to bring this crisis under control and restore the ecosystem of the Gulf coast. He will have the entire backing of the United States federal government, as well as the support of BP."

The much maligned British Petroleum Chief Executive, Tony Hayward, would not comment on the choice of a Sasquatch to head up the executive commission to deal with his company's oil spill. However, one anonymous source told this reporter that Hayward was overheard saying, "Leave it to the bloody Yanks to pick that giant hair ball to solve this mess. Perhaps we can shave his back and use the hair to clog up the well!" At this point, perhaps Hayward and BP should be willing to try anything.

Councilman Mabus stood for an impromptu press conference at MSP International Airport yesterday, just before boarding a plane to New Orleans. "I thank the President for entrusting me with this task," Mabus said. "I feel that my unique experiences are well suited for the duty laid out before me, and am confident that I can bring this situation under control quite quickly, before more animals and humans have to suffer."

When asked if this task would force him out of the race for governor, Mabus responded, "I fully expect to complete this mission in a matter of a few weeks, and will return to the campaign trail by your 4th of July holiday. I am quite thrilled a being chosen as the Grand Marshall for the Cooper 4th of July Parade!"

One last question shouted to Councilman Maubs as he boarded the plane was what his first step would be in the clean up process. Mabus, responding with a smirk, "Purchase a lot of Dawn dish soap!"

So there you have it. Our very own Mabus claims he will have the leaking BP oil well capped and the oil cleaned out of the Gulf region by the 4th of July. Could it be that he knows something that all our scientists and engineers do not? Or is he simply portraying the unrealistic optimism that all politicians do during an election year? One thing is certain, the entire Nation... the entire world is pulling for you. God's speed, Sasquatch. God's speed.