Something Special To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving

by Kilgore Trout

Staff Writer

November 22, 2010

Thanksgiving is upon us once again. The one day each year we set aside to take time to remember those people and things that mean so much to us. This year I propose that we all take a moment to give thanks for one special thing that we often overlook, but if absent would create quite a void in our daily lives. This year let us all give thanks for Baking Soda!

Also known as Sodium bicarbonate, with the formula NaHCO3 , baking soda is quite possibly the most versatile chemical compound known to man. A rather simple compound, one carbon atom double bonded to one oxygen atom, single bonded to an oxygen/hydrogen pair, and single bonded to another negatively charged oxygen atom with a positive charged sodium atom hovering around it. Such a simple compound with so many uses. What other substance do we use in both baking bread and cleaning our toilets? In whitening our teeth and deodorizing our refrigerators? In treating heartburn and fattening cattle? In washing our clothes and extinguishing our grease fires? Indeed, this is one quite remarkable chemical.

Baking soda was first used by the ancient Egyptians as a cleaning agent. It has been used in its natural form for thousands of years, but not until the late 19th century was the compound isolated and mass-produced. In 1894 Chicago chemist Don Sikorski isolated sodium bicarbonate from natron, its natural form, and studied the compound. Sikorski, who was known for his remarkably white teeth, was to baking soda what George Washington Carver was to the peanut. He devised dozens of uses for the versatile powder, including some that have fallen out of fashion since his time. His most controversial theory was that baking soda could revive the recently deceased. Unfortunately for Sikorski his theory did not pan out, and when the dozens of corpses were discovered he was tried and convicted for murder, which was quite rare in Chicago at that time, the conviction, not the murder. After his conviction, his many patents were bought for peanuts by the Arm & Hammer Corporation, which has since become synonymous with the commercial production and sale of baking soda and products containing baking soda.

Sikorski’s ultimate disgrace is likely the reason he has been forgotten by historians and chemists alike, but his story does have a connection to the history of Cooper. Sikorski’s grandson, hoping to escape the shame brought upon by his grandfather, emigrated to Cooper in 1920, and found work as (what else!) a cooper. Sikorski’s descendants live in Cooper to this day, and no doubt there’s a box of baking soda in their fridge or pantry.

So while you’re buttering that biscuit at Thanksgiving dinner, or taking that antacid after your meal, or smothering that grease fire in the kitchen, take a moment to give thanks for baking soda, quite possibly the most important white powder in the world, besides cocaine of course. Baking soda is more loyal than a friend, more reliable than a loved one, lasts longer than your average pet, and has probably bailed you out of more trouble than any cranberry or yam. Yet it is happy to remain in the shadows, as a mere ingredient. This Thanksgiving let us save the seat of honor at our dinner table for that irreplaceable little yellow box of life, the baking soda.

Religion Comment Costs Mabus the Election

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

November 3, 2010


Cooper Town Councilman Mabus the Sasquatch has officially lost the election for Governor of Minnesota, and he only has himself to blame. In what may go down as the biggest blunder in political history, Mabus created a firestorm just two days before the election when he made an unflattering comment about religion to someone whom he didn't know was a reporter.

On Sunday October 31, Councilman Mabus was out to breakfast at the IHOP in Cooper doing some last minute campaigning while enjoying breakfast. A patron of the establishment, who was actually a reporter for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, asked Mabus if he would be attending Church services today. The response from Candidate Mabus was something nobody was expecting.

"I'm afraid I don't believe in your Ghost Stories", Mabus responded with a smile. "I might just as soon spend my day chasing your Easter Bunny or perhaps conversing with your Tooth Fairy." The reporter then asked Candidate Mabus if he, in fact, did not believe in God. "I am familiar with your concept of God", Mabus responded,"and I must say he is perhaps the greatest invention humans have ever made. If we Sasquatches spent all our time, hands folded, making wishes, we would have gone extinct millenia ago."

The story of Mabus' gaffe broke Monday morning, and unleashed a torrent of complaints to Mabus' campaign headquarters. National and local talk radio programs spent much of the day dissecting the comments and postulating as to the consequences they may have on the election. Right wing radio commentators found themselves in quite a quandary trying to support Mabus while also attempting to maintain their strong right-wing pro-religion stances. Conservative flag bearer Rush Limbaugh said of Mabus, "You've got a man who espouses all the core conservative beliefs, save one, religion. That still makes him more of a true conservative than John McCain or George W. Bush. Rather than condemn him and ensure the election of some Communist liberal in Minnesota, lets just 'overlook' this one thing, vote him in, and then work on the religion thing. It's like my father always used to say, if you can't bring the Sasquatch to the Church, bring the Church to the Sasquatch."

Mabus' opponents were quick to jump on the controversy. Democratic candidate Mark Dayton said, "How can you trust a man who is seemingly so out of touch with Minnesota's core values?" While Republican candidate Tom Emmer pulled no punches. "Don't you see how he's mocking us all?" he said. "I guess we're all just too dumb to see the truth, his truth. Why, he's nothing more than a Liberal in sheep's clothing... er, in Sasquatch's clothing. It's a good thing the truth came out before Minnesotans go to the polls."

Late last night, after the polls closed and it was certain that Mabus had lost the race for Governor, the candidate issued this comment, "Don't think that I won't find another way to carry out my plan. This is only the beginning. I shall return." In this reporter's opinion, Mabus sounds very much like Cobra Commander, or perhaps General McArthur.

Mabus' religion comments will join the ranks of all-time political gaffe's: George Bush's "Read my lips, no new taxes.", Sara Palin's "I can see Russia from my house", Barry Goldwater's "Nuke'em back to the stone age", James Buchanan's "South Carolina has seceded? Well I guess that takes care of that", and Herbert Hoover's "Stock market crash? Why the f*** should I care about the stock market crash". And as for his cryptic comments last night, well we've always known this is one bizarre Sasquatch.

Mabus will be returning to his seat on the Cooper Town Council, where he still has one year remaining on his term. Perhaps he will next set his sights on a 2012 senate run. Or perhaps his "plan" aims even higher! One thing is certain, it sure has been an interesting run.