Mabus Is A Hero, Stops Oil Flow

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 28, 2010

In a rare instance of a politician keeping his promise and demonstrating competence, Mabus the Sasquatch, member of the Cooper Town Council and President Obama's pick to head up the Gulf oil spill mission, has miraculously capped the gushing oil well which has spewed crude into the Gulf of Mexico for over two months.

"The engineering solution was quite simple", Mabus said in his press conference yesterday from New Orleans. "Any child who has played in the yard on a hot summer day knows that the best way to stop the flow of water from a garden hose is not to screw on a cap... its to kink the hose." Mabus' analogy inspired the engineers to devise a scheme whereby a pneumatic clamp would be placed around the pipe coming into the failed blowout preventor from the ground below. The clamp was tightened, reducing the flow of oil to a mere trickle. Once that was done, a special concrete mixture was poured over the top of the well along with many barges full of rock and gravel, encasing the pipeline, blowout preventor, and pneumatic clamp in a permanent block. Within 24 hours of the initial clamping, the well was deemed secure.

As the drilling of relief wells continues, the mission now shifts to the clean-up job along the Gulf coast. Last week, Mabus authorized the purchase of several centrifuge separator units designed and built by Hollywood actor Kevin Costner. "How could I say no to Kevin Costner?" Mabus said. "I just loved him in 'Fandango'. What's more, his apparatus actually works, unlike the storyline from 'Waterworld'." The centrifuges will be disseminated around the gulf, wherever oil plumes are seen threatening beaches and wetlands.

Mabus will remain on the job through the end of July, overseeing the clean-up effort. But he will keep his promise and be back in Cooper on July 4th to serve as Grand Marshall of the Cooper 4th of July Parade. Organizers are already preparing for an onslaught of national media as well as a larger than normal crowd of spectators for the Hero's return.

The national media have already elevated Mabus to hero status, comparing his meteoric political rise to that of former President Herbert Hoover, who was elected in 1928 due largely to his heroic efforts dealing with the great Mississippi flood of 1927. While the White House may not be in the cards for Councilman Mabus, his success in the Gulf will almost certainly elevate him into the Minnesota Governor's Mansion.

The Cooper July 4th Parade will begin at 11 am on Sunday. The course runs down Main street, beginning at the High School and ending at Zimmerman's Hardware, where all Charcoal grills are now half price. May all of Cooper turn out to give our native son the hero's welcome he deserves.

Obama Picks Mabus to Head Up Gulf Operation

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 17, 2010

On Tuesday,from the Oval Office, in front of a national audience, President Barack Obama named Mabus the Sasquatch as the head of a specially created commission responsible for containing and cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Mabus the Sasquatch, currently a member of the Cooper Town Council, and the Tea Party's candidate for Governor of Minnesota, was a surprising choice by the president, considering his lack of experience on a national scale and lack of knowledge of the Gulf region, not to mention his far right political leanings. When asked why, President Obama lauded Mabus' knowledge of the environment and his no-nonsense approach to problem solving. "I'm confident", said President Obama, "that Mr. Mabus will do what it takes, and do it quickly, to bring this crisis under control and restore the ecosystem of the Gulf coast. He will have the entire backing of the United States federal government, as well as the support of BP."

The much maligned British Petroleum Chief Executive, Tony Hayward, would not comment on the choice of a Sasquatch to head up the executive commission to deal with his company's oil spill. However, one anonymous source told this reporter that Hayward was overheard saying, "Leave it to the bloody Yanks to pick that giant hair ball to solve this mess. Perhaps we can shave his back and use the hair to clog up the well!" At this point, perhaps Hayward and BP should be willing to try anything.

Councilman Mabus stood for an impromptu press conference at MSP International Airport yesterday, just before boarding a plane to New Orleans. "I thank the President for entrusting me with this task," Mabus said. "I feel that my unique experiences are well suited for the duty laid out before me, and am confident that I can bring this situation under control quite quickly, before more animals and humans have to suffer."

When asked if this task would force him out of the race for governor, Mabus responded, "I fully expect to complete this mission in a matter of a few weeks, and will return to the campaign trail by your 4th of July holiday. I am quite thrilled a being chosen as the Grand Marshall for the Cooper 4th of July Parade!"

One last question shouted to Councilman Maubs as he boarded the plane was what his first step would be in the clean up process. Mabus, responding with a smirk, "Purchase a lot of Dawn dish soap!"

So there you have it. Our very own Mabus claims he will have the leaking BP oil well capped and the oil cleaned out of the Gulf region by the 4th of July. Could it be that he knows something that all our scientists and engineers do not? Or is he simply portraying the unrealistic optimism that all politicians do during an election year? One thing is certain, the entire Nation... the entire world is pulling for you. God's speed, Sasquatch. God's speed.

What the Cool Sasquatches Will Be Watching On TV This Summer

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 2, 2010

Summer has finally sprung, and while this is generally considered great news, it also means a lot of re-runs and reality shows for those die hard television viewers. However, this summer may just have a few reality shows that are worth staying in for... especially for those music fans out there.

Making its debut on Thursday at 9 pm on A & E is "I Hope Neil Young Will Remember". It's a reality show that follows rocker Neil Young and documents his descent into dementia. From sunrise to last call, we get an up-close and personal view of the Grandfather of Grunge as he struggles to remember where he left his car keys. The first episode features Neil attempting to order a pizza from Graham Nash. And we all thought David Crosby was the biggest train wreck from the CSNY quartet.

Wednesday nights at 8 pm Spike TV will air "Born to Run". Think "Spinal Tap" meets "The Running Man". Reclusive Rocker Bruce Springsteen hosts this show that pits aging rockers against rabid fans in a post-apocalyptic styled game zone. The object of the game is for the rocker to elude a group of fans and cross the game zone to reach safety. Edgar Winter, Ted Nugent, Pete Frampton and the lead singer of the J. Giles Band...no, not J. Giles... have already signed up for an appearance. If the fans catch the rocker they win a cash prize as well as whatever clothing they can tear from their prey. Note, this is a no holds barred competition, so if you want to see Peter Tork swing a crow bar into the skull of an aged hippie, then this show is for you.

The Travel Channel gets into the act on Tuesday nights at 9 pm with "Roll Over, Beethoven". This show follows decrepit legend, Little Richard around the globe as he searches for his inevitable eternal resting place. Follow Little Richard from Memphis, Tennessee to Memphis, Egypt as he visits some of the most beautiful vistas from around the world for the perfect grave. The octogenarian battles dysentery, customs agents, a swollen prostate, and bad hair days as he searches for the site of his burial. Adding to the drama, the show is shot week to week so what the viewer is watching has occurred in the last week, which means that there is the real possibility that Little Richard will die on camera. And if he does, he will be buried wherever he drops, (it's written into his contract).

Of particular interest to citizens of Cooper will be VH1's "Battle of the Bands". This show follows around five small time bands hoping to make it big. The bands compete in various competitions as they play dive bars and county fairs across the country. One band is eliminated every other episode, and the last band standing wins a record contract, (yes, the idea of a record contract has gone the way of the dinosaur, but so has the idea of VH1 showing actual music related programming). The reason "Battle of the Bands" is a must see for Cooperian and Sasquatch alike is that a local band, "Space Monkey", is featured on the show. "Space Monkey", fronted by Sasquatch Pan Elvis, is a sort of grunge Billy Joel cover band, with some original material. The "Monkey" got their start playing at the Big Foot Bar in downtown Cooper, and now they'll be playing for the whole world... at least those with basic cable... and nothing better to do on a Saturday night in the summer... and can sit through 60 minutes of amateurs playing music to an audience of drunken hicks.

So there you have it. Who needs writers, or actors, or even a plot? This summer let us turn our attention to the ghosts of Rock past, present, and future. You could do a lot worse... well, a little worse... oh hell, just rock on!