by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
December 11, 2009
Unless you've been living in a cave for the last few years, you're probably familiar with the Apple I-Phone, the latest techno gizmo that we can't believe we lived without for so long. More than just a phone, the I-Phone is also a laptop, web browser and game console that fits in the palm of your hand. And unlike those ancient gaming consoles from our childhood, finding a game, or app (short for application) for your I-phone doesn't involve going to Toys-r-Us and getting it out of a glass case, (nor do you have to blow the dust out of the cartridge before inserting it into the console). All apps can simply be uploaded from the Internet right to your I-Phone from what's called the app store.
There are apps for nearly everything imaginable; practical ones such as a restaurant finder, to ridiculous ones such as an image of a beer mug where you can pour the beer out by tipping your I-Phone to the side. Not all apps are successful, however. Here's a list of some apps you won't find on the app store site this holiday shopping season:
The Floss Alert: This simple app allowed the user to set an alarm reminding them to floss their teeth either once or twice a day. We're all familiar with that awkward pause when the dentist asks us how often we floss, as if he doesn't know that we're trying to come up with a believable lie. With the floss alert app you'll feel the same guilt you get from your dentist daily rather than twice a year. The floss alert proved to be a flop when people realised that the loud high-pitched alert from the I-Phone was actually less annoying than going through the trouble of flossing.
The Segal Quote: Who hasn't been in a conversation where a great quote from an action movie would really put a punch to the end of a sentence. The Segal Quote app was created to provide the user of this app with a "punchy" quote from one of the many movies of actor Steven Segal, which they could then slip into their conversation for a big laugh. The problem with the Segal Quote app... unlike Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jeff Speakman, Patrick Swayze, and countless other contemporary action movie stars, Steven Segal never once uttered a memorable phrase in any of his movies.
Corn or Bunion: Who hasn't had something on their foot or a toe and wondered, "is that a corn or a bunion?" Well this app was created to solve that mystery. Simply snap a photo of the mysterious object in question using your I-Phone, click on a few buttons, and you'll get a diagnosis from a licensed podiatrist in a matter of minutes, any time day or night. This app was pulled from the app store when it was discovered that the photos were not sent to an actual podiatrist, but rather were going to a retired janitor with a foot fetish living in a trailer park outside of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Remarkably, his diagnoses were always correct.
Elephant Locator: This whimsical app would inform its user just how far he was from the nearest elephant at any given time. Be it a circus elephant, zoo exhibit, or one still roaming the savannas of Africa, the elephant locator app would give us the peace of mind knowing that we were safely out of range of a stampede, or let us know to be wary for one lurked nearby. PETA put a stop to this app not long after its launch. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals were not against the placement of GPS chips in all elephants. Rather, PETA was wary of people blaming elephants for the resulting brain tumors the I-phone users would receive from the radiation their phones were pumping into their bodies.
"Funny or Not": This app, based on a short lived marketing campaign of TBS, was a way of receiving an impartial opinion as to the comedic value of any joke or situation. The user would describe the material in question and would receive a ruling of funny or not funny. The site proved to be very valuable for many professionals, comedians, advertisers, writers, etc. Unfortunately it couldn't save everyone from making comedic errors... Michael Richards, for example. The "Funny or Not" app lost all credibility among professionals, however when it consistently rated the material of comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham as funny. One wonders how it would rate this blog.
Uvula Cam: This app billed itself as the way for people to finally see their uvulas, and their friends' uvulas in action. A small camera would be inserted into the user and their uvula would be broadcast 24 hours a day on their I-Phone. They could then allow friends to view their uvula on their I-Phones and vice versa. When launched, this app set records for sales. Surprisingly, it wasn't the invasiveness of having a small camera implanted into ones body that killed this app. It turned out that people were much less excited about the app once they realised what the uvula actually is.
Ballot Caster: This app was released in the fall of 2008, just in time for the November elections. The idea of the ballot caster was to tell users who to vote for in all those little elections that fill out a ballot. The user simply had to enter their zip code and the ballot caster would show who they should vote for in every election on the ballot, from president and senator, all the way down to school board member and dog catcher. The app was discontinued a few months after election day when it was revealed that the ballot caster favored democratic contenders over republican contenders 3 to 1. Republicans were up in arms over the results, but the creators of the app said "we programmed the computer to make all decisions based on the logic and intelligence of the candidates. We can't help it if there isn't much logic or intelligence in the republican party."
Local Arrested For Bizarre Protest
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
November 27, 2009
Police were called to the scene of a bizarre protest yesterday in downtown Cooper; a protest that resulted in one arrest. Cooper resident Bob Zimmerman was taken into police custody and charged with one count of disturbing the peace and one count of discharging a weapon.
Officers were called around three pm yesterday with reports of a man ranting incoherently on the streets of downtown Cooper and building a bonfire in the middle of Main Street. When they arrived they found 67 year old Bob Zimmerman running around a bonfire built in the center of the street, waving a pistol and shouting incoherently and making reference to Mabus, the sasquatch member of the town council. They approached Zimmerman without incident and placed him into custody without having to fire any shots.
Witnesses to the incident report Zimmerman saying something like, "Century 2 Quatrain 62". According to one witness he kept saying, "Don't you see, people? Mabus is the one. He's the Antichrist. Century 2 Quatrain 62!" Another witness heard Zimmerman say, "There will come of people and beasts a horrible rout." I was a little frightened,", the witness said, " I knew he lost control when I saw him build a fire on Main Street and shoot it full of holes."
Police say he will be evaluated by a psychologist prior to his court appearance on Monday. He is facing up to three years in prison, due mostly to the discharging of a firearm in city limits. No motive has been presented and as yet nobody knows what his rantings meant. It is unknown if the event was politically motivated. According to the police there have been no threats made toward Mabus nor protests toward him or his policies. It is also unknown if Zimmerman is a republican or democrat.
One thing is known, for the present time Mr. Zimmerman is stuck inside a jail cell with the Mabus blues again.
Staff Writer
November 27, 2009
Police were called to the scene of a bizarre protest yesterday in downtown Cooper; a protest that resulted in one arrest. Cooper resident Bob Zimmerman was taken into police custody and charged with one count of disturbing the peace and one count of discharging a weapon.
Officers were called around three pm yesterday with reports of a man ranting incoherently on the streets of downtown Cooper and building a bonfire in the middle of Main Street. When they arrived they found 67 year old Bob Zimmerman running around a bonfire built in the center of the street, waving a pistol and shouting incoherently and making reference to Mabus, the sasquatch member of the town council. They approached Zimmerman without incident and placed him into custody without having to fire any shots.
Witnesses to the incident report Zimmerman saying something like, "Century 2 Quatrain 62". According to one witness he kept saying, "Don't you see, people? Mabus is the one. He's the Antichrist. Century 2 Quatrain 62!" Another witness heard Zimmerman say, "There will come of people and beasts a horrible rout." I was a little frightened,", the witness said, " I knew he lost control when I saw him build a fire on Main Street and shoot it full of holes."
Police say he will be evaluated by a psychologist prior to his court appearance on Monday. He is facing up to three years in prison, due mostly to the discharging of a firearm in city limits. No motive has been presented and as yet nobody knows what his rantings meant. It is unknown if the event was politically motivated. According to the police there have been no threats made toward Mabus nor protests toward him or his policies. It is also unknown if Zimmerman is a republican or democrat.
One thing is known, for the present time Mr. Zimmerman is stuck inside a jail cell with the Mabus blues again.
Hole Population Swells as Winter Sets In
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
November 4, 2009
Who needs Florida? Cooper County seems to be the winter destination for hundreds of sasquatches living in the U.S. and Canada. Professor Humphrey Whicher, an anthropologist from the University of Minnesota has been following the goings on at sasquatch hole for several months, and has announced the the sasquatch population at the hole has increased five fold in the last month.
"It seems they're much like countless other animals," said Whicher, "when it gets cold they come south and when it gets warm they migrate north. Most likely they're following the food. In the spring they head north and live off different fruits that ripen at different times. And in the fall they travel back south following packs of various small animals. But it would seem that sasquatch hole is or has become the winter grounds for the sasquatch population."
And why not the hole? Since the discovery of the sasquatch population at the hole in the fall of 2007 many improvements have been made. The sasquatches have been given crude building supplies to construct their preferred shelters. And the state of the art community center was built for civic gatherings. The sasquatch population has progressed so far as to have a member on the town council. Mabus the sasquatch was elected last month in a landslide. And if the sasquatch population at the hole continues to grow it may be tough for anyone to unseat him in future elections.
Professor Whicher has written a journal article about the habitats and migration of the sasquatches which will be published next month in the Journal of American Anthropology. Over the year he spent living on the migration route sasquatch hole was by far the most developed and densely populated area. "It's quite clear that they're making a home here in Cooper, and they're here to stay," said Whicher. "And they're really showing signs of adapting to the lifestyle of their human neighbors. Why just the other day I saw a sasquatch wearing a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles sweatshirt. Its pretty amazing, they're really becoming quite civilized. There is a danger to this 'civilizing' of the sasquatches. Their means of survival for countless generations is rapidly coming to an end and being replaced by objects and ideas that are new and foreign to them. Surely this will not be a smooth path to assimilation."
In this reporter's opinion, if a sweatshirt from "Coach" is civilized, then I'm checking out.
Staff Writer
November 4, 2009
Who needs Florida? Cooper County seems to be the winter destination for hundreds of sasquatches living in the U.S. and Canada. Professor Humphrey Whicher, an anthropologist from the University of Minnesota has been following the goings on at sasquatch hole for several months, and has announced the the sasquatch population at the hole has increased five fold in the last month.
"It seems they're much like countless other animals," said Whicher, "when it gets cold they come south and when it gets warm they migrate north. Most likely they're following the food. In the spring they head north and live off different fruits that ripen at different times. And in the fall they travel back south following packs of various small animals. But it would seem that sasquatch hole is or has become the winter grounds for the sasquatch population."
And why not the hole? Since the discovery of the sasquatch population at the hole in the fall of 2007 many improvements have been made. The sasquatches have been given crude building supplies to construct their preferred shelters. And the state of the art community center was built for civic gatherings. The sasquatch population has progressed so far as to have a member on the town council. Mabus the sasquatch was elected last month in a landslide. And if the sasquatch population at the hole continues to grow it may be tough for anyone to unseat him in future elections.
Professor Whicher has written a journal article about the habitats and migration of the sasquatches which will be published next month in the Journal of American Anthropology. Over the year he spent living on the migration route sasquatch hole was by far the most developed and densely populated area. "It's quite clear that they're making a home here in Cooper, and they're here to stay," said Whicher. "And they're really showing signs of adapting to the lifestyle of their human neighbors. Why just the other day I saw a sasquatch wearing a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles sweatshirt. Its pretty amazing, they're really becoming quite civilized. There is a danger to this 'civilizing' of the sasquatches. Their means of survival for countless generations is rapidly coming to an end and being replaced by objects and ideas that are new and foreign to them. Surely this will not be a smooth path to assimilation."
In this reporter's opinion, if a sweatshirt from "Coach" is civilized, then I'm checking out.
Condiment Costs Candidate
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
October 5, 2009
In a stunning announcement yesterday, Democratic candidate Louise Parker has dropped out of contention for the open town council seat due to her arrest for possessing Ketchup within the town limits of Cooper.
Parker made the announcement Sunday night, just two days before the election, after she was arrested early Sunday afternoon at her home. The police received an anonymous phone call informing them that Parker was seen putting Ketchup on what appeared to be a meat loaf and sliding it into the oven. She was in custody before the loaf was done cooking.
The possession of Ketchup in the town limits of Cooper was made illegal in a recently enacted law. There have been three previous arrests made for the violation of the law, but those were for possession with intent to distribute the contraband. Parker's arrest is the first made of a person using the condiment in their own home.
Parker is facing up to 6 months in jail and a $5000 fine, but most likely will receive a much smaller fine and house arrest for a few weeks. Most likely her political career is over before it started. It is unknown if her husband and son also face charges since it is alleged that the meat loaf was for them.
"I'm very embarrassed," Parker said, "And I just don't want to put my family through all of this. I've made a mistake, and I've got to spend some time healing the wounds I've created. To stay in the race now would be irresponsible and unfair to the citizens of Cooper."
Parker's withdrawal from the race has opened the way for the republican candidate, Mabus the sasquatch. Polls taken last week left the race too close to call, but a poll taken late Sunday after Parker's announcement showed Mabus with 94 per cent of the vote. It looks very likely that on Tuesday Mabus will make history as the first non-human to win elected office in the United States.
Les Northington, Mabus' campaign advisor, said "Mabus is very excited about the recent turn of events. He's very eager to win the election and take his seat on the town council. He's spent the last week working very hard on his communication skills... that Rosetta Stone is amazing... and solidifying his platform. Mabus has many great ideas he cannot wait to present to the town council. I guarantee that Cooper will be the better for having Maubs in office."
Polls will open at 7 am tomorrow. Although Parker's name will remain on the ballot, any vote for her will count as no vote. Mabus is planning a celebration at Sasquatch hole. The celebration will be open to the public, and will begin at 7 pm. So anyone willing to go to the hole after sunset is welcome to attend.
Staff Writer
October 5, 2009
In a stunning announcement yesterday, Democratic candidate Louise Parker has dropped out of contention for the open town council seat due to her arrest for possessing Ketchup within the town limits of Cooper.
Parker made the announcement Sunday night, just two days before the election, after she was arrested early Sunday afternoon at her home. The police received an anonymous phone call informing them that Parker was seen putting Ketchup on what appeared to be a meat loaf and sliding it into the oven. She was in custody before the loaf was done cooking.
The possession of Ketchup in the town limits of Cooper was made illegal in a recently enacted law. There have been three previous arrests made for the violation of the law, but those were for possession with intent to distribute the contraband. Parker's arrest is the first made of a person using the condiment in their own home.
Parker is facing up to 6 months in jail and a $5000 fine, but most likely will receive a much smaller fine and house arrest for a few weeks. Most likely her political career is over before it started. It is unknown if her husband and son also face charges since it is alleged that the meat loaf was for them.
"I'm very embarrassed," Parker said, "And I just don't want to put my family through all of this. I've made a mistake, and I've got to spend some time healing the wounds I've created. To stay in the race now would be irresponsible and unfair to the citizens of Cooper."
Parker's withdrawal from the race has opened the way for the republican candidate, Mabus the sasquatch. Polls taken last week left the race too close to call, but a poll taken late Sunday after Parker's announcement showed Mabus with 94 per cent of the vote. It looks very likely that on Tuesday Mabus will make history as the first non-human to win elected office in the United States.
Les Northington, Mabus' campaign advisor, said "Mabus is very excited about the recent turn of events. He's very eager to win the election and take his seat on the town council. He's spent the last week working very hard on his communication skills... that Rosetta Stone is amazing... and solidifying his platform. Mabus has many great ideas he cannot wait to present to the town council. I guarantee that Cooper will be the better for having Maubs in office."
Polls will open at 7 am tomorrow. Although Parker's name will remain on the ballot, any vote for her will count as no vote. Mabus is planning a celebration at Sasquatch hole. The celebration will be open to the public, and will begin at 7 pm. So anyone willing to go to the hole after sunset is welcome to attend.
Contenders Debate For Open Council Seat
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
September 30, 2009
The citizens of Cooper were finally able to meet the republican and democratic contenders for the vacant seat on the Cooper town council last night at the Cooper High School auditorium. Readers may recall that the seat is vacant due to the unfortunate suicide of council member Richard Aumundsen. Interest was extremely high in the debate due to the shocking announcement last week that the republican nominee for the seat was a sasquatch.
The unprecedented nomination of a non-human for political office seems to be legal due to the State Attorney General's announcement last fall that sasquatches were able to register to vote, clearing the way for them to also contend for office.
Local republican power broker, Les Northington announced Saturday that their nominee for the open seat would be a sasquatch. Little was known about the nominee, including his name. All that is known is that he is clearly a male of the species, and he may be in favor of supporting small business. "In our first meeting all he could say was 'small business'," said Northington. "Well, it sounded more like mabus, since his language and speaking skills aren't that great. But since when have those been requirements for a republican candidate?" Northington continued, "The republicans are open to all minority groups, all races, religions, even species. We're the party of the working man... er... person... er... worker, yeah that's it. And our sasquatch brother has shown us that he is the perfect symbol for the republican party. He works hard to support his family, he takes no handouts from the government, and despite his lack of education he has made something of himself. We're very excited for this election, and for the future of our candidate."
The sasquatch candidate, being referred to as Mabus since that's all he said at the debate last night, met the democratic candidate, Louise Parker in front of a few hundred curious citizens who left the debate more confused than curious. All that could be inferred in the debate was that Mabus may be for small business, and Parker may be for raising property taxes. They both seemed in favor of the town's intention to annex the area known as Sasquatch Hole, making it a part of the town, Parker saying, "I'm certainly in favor of welcoming the sasquatches to our community." While Mabus responded with "Hoooole aaahggghhh yeahhggh!" Well said!
The two candidates will continue their campaigning for the next week, with the election scheduled for Tuesday October 6th. The unique candidate has brought some national attention to the campaign. On the Fox and Friends morning show on the Fox News Network, former weather guy and current conservative shill Steve Doocey, proclaimed Maubs to be the future of the conservative movement and labeled his competition, Louise Parker, "Pinko Parker, another socialist democrat who wants to re-distribute our wealth and take our guns." While former sportscaster and current liberal rock-thrower Keith Olbermann, host of Countdown on MSNBC, said of Mabus, "Yeah, this guy's the new symbol for the republican party... an extinct species... in favor of survival of woodland creatures, but pro guns?... pro family, but seems to have several wives?... illiterate, but believes that education begins at home?... in favor of involvement in foreign wars, but has been isolated for thousands of years? Your worst person... er... creature in the world!!!"
At this point the two candidates are polling nearly even. But with the unpredictable turnout of the residents of Sasquatch Hole, the race really is anyones to win. Both campaigns have pledged to spare no expense to win the seat on the town council. The council is currently split with two democrats and two republicans, so the result of this election could be very important, assuming that the town council really ever does anything at all to effect the lives of its citizens. Polls open at 7 am on Tuesday.
Staff Writer
September 30, 2009
The citizens of Cooper were finally able to meet the republican and democratic contenders for the vacant seat on the Cooper town council last night at the Cooper High School auditorium. Readers may recall that the seat is vacant due to the unfortunate suicide of council member Richard Aumundsen. Interest was extremely high in the debate due to the shocking announcement last week that the republican nominee for the seat was a sasquatch.
The unprecedented nomination of a non-human for political office seems to be legal due to the State Attorney General's announcement last fall that sasquatches were able to register to vote, clearing the way for them to also contend for office.
Local republican power broker, Les Northington announced Saturday that their nominee for the open seat would be a sasquatch. Little was known about the nominee, including his name. All that is known is that he is clearly a male of the species, and he may be in favor of supporting small business. "In our first meeting all he could say was 'small business'," said Northington. "Well, it sounded more like mabus, since his language and speaking skills aren't that great. But since when have those been requirements for a republican candidate?" Northington continued, "The republicans are open to all minority groups, all races, religions, even species. We're the party of the working man... er... person... er... worker, yeah that's it. And our sasquatch brother has shown us that he is the perfect symbol for the republican party. He works hard to support his family, he takes no handouts from the government, and despite his lack of education he has made something of himself. We're very excited for this election, and for the future of our candidate."
The sasquatch candidate, being referred to as Mabus since that's all he said at the debate last night, met the democratic candidate, Louise Parker in front of a few hundred curious citizens who left the debate more confused than curious. All that could be inferred in the debate was that Mabus may be for small business, and Parker may be for raising property taxes. They both seemed in favor of the town's intention to annex the area known as Sasquatch Hole, making it a part of the town, Parker saying, "I'm certainly in favor of welcoming the sasquatches to our community." While Mabus responded with "Hoooole aaahggghhh yeahhggh!" Well said!
The two candidates will continue their campaigning for the next week, with the election scheduled for Tuesday October 6th. The unique candidate has brought some national attention to the campaign. On the Fox and Friends morning show on the Fox News Network, former weather guy and current conservative shill Steve Doocey, proclaimed Maubs to be the future of the conservative movement and labeled his competition, Louise Parker, "Pinko Parker, another socialist democrat who wants to re-distribute our wealth and take our guns." While former sportscaster and current liberal rock-thrower Keith Olbermann, host of Countdown on MSNBC, said of Mabus, "Yeah, this guy's the new symbol for the republican party... an extinct species... in favor of survival of woodland creatures, but pro guns?... pro family, but seems to have several wives?... illiterate, but believes that education begins at home?... in favor of involvement in foreign wars, but has been isolated for thousands of years? Your worst person... er... creature in the world!!!"
At this point the two candidates are polling nearly even. But with the unpredictable turnout of the residents of Sasquatch Hole, the race really is anyones to win. Both campaigns have pledged to spare no expense to win the seat on the town council. The council is currently split with two democrats and two republicans, so the result of this election could be very important, assuming that the town council really ever does anything at all to effect the lives of its citizens. Polls open at 7 am on Tuesday.
Town Shocked, Saddened by Councilman's Suicide
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
September 23, 2009
The people of Cooper gathered today at First Lutheran Church to mourn the tragic death of Councilman Richard Aumundsen. Aumundsen was found dead at his home this past Saturday, apparently from having ingested a bottle of drain cleaner.
Although many questions remain as to his motive for committing suicide, some townspeople blame Councilman Tanner Clay, who suggested those councilmen who approved the recent Ketchup ban go home and drink a bottle of drain cleaner. If this is indeed the reason for the late councilman's suicide, it would mark the first time in the history of Cooper that something said at a town council meeting was actually acted upon in a timely manner. The town Sheriff and County Coroner have not ruled out charges being filed against Councilman Clay for participation in a wrongful death.
Councilman Richard Aumundsen was 53 years old. He was unmarried and had no children. He had served on the town council for six years. His motivation for obtaining and holding his seat on the council was his fixation with "no parking" signs. He wanted them everywhere. In his six years he was responsible for approving no fewer than 57 "no parking" signs within the city limits. This was the object of some ridicule among the townspeople, especially because Aumundsen did not drive a car. An avid bicyclist, Aumundsen hated parked cars along the roads he frequently traveled on his bicycle, so he sought to designate all those roads as "no parking" zones. In the recently completed legislative session Aumundsen said he had finally gotten all the signs he needed, almost prophetically announcing his time was up. The Ketchup vote and suggestion by Councilman Clay may have just been his last jab at the town who ridiculed him.
Whatever the reason, the town mourns his passing. Many are already speculating as to the future of the open seat on the town council. The mayor has already set a special election for the first Tuesday in October to fill the vacant seat. No doubt there will be many contenders with the current heated political atmosphere.
Staff Writer
September 23, 2009
The people of Cooper gathered today at First Lutheran Church to mourn the tragic death of Councilman Richard Aumundsen. Aumundsen was found dead at his home this past Saturday, apparently from having ingested a bottle of drain cleaner.
Although many questions remain as to his motive for committing suicide, some townspeople blame Councilman Tanner Clay, who suggested those councilmen who approved the recent Ketchup ban go home and drink a bottle of drain cleaner. If this is indeed the reason for the late councilman's suicide, it would mark the first time in the history of Cooper that something said at a town council meeting was actually acted upon in a timely manner. The town Sheriff and County Coroner have not ruled out charges being filed against Councilman Clay for participation in a wrongful death.
Councilman Richard Aumundsen was 53 years old. He was unmarried and had no children. He had served on the town council for six years. His motivation for obtaining and holding his seat on the council was his fixation with "no parking" signs. He wanted them everywhere. In his six years he was responsible for approving no fewer than 57 "no parking" signs within the city limits. This was the object of some ridicule among the townspeople, especially because Aumundsen did not drive a car. An avid bicyclist, Aumundsen hated parked cars along the roads he frequently traveled on his bicycle, so he sought to designate all those roads as "no parking" zones. In the recently completed legislative session Aumundsen said he had finally gotten all the signs he needed, almost prophetically announcing his time was up. The Ketchup vote and suggestion by Councilman Clay may have just been his last jab at the town who ridiculed him.
Whatever the reason, the town mourns his passing. Many are already speculating as to the future of the open seat on the town council. The mayor has already set a special election for the first Tuesday in October to fill the vacant seat. No doubt there will be many contenders with the current heated political atmosphere.
Science Proves Cleveland Is Not Heart of Rock & Roll
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
September 20.2009
Doctors at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland have announced that they have scientific proof that Cleveland, Ohio is, in fact, not the heart of rock & roll. The results of a two year study are set to be published concurrently in the October issues of the Journal of American Medicine and Rolling Stone Magazine.
The doctors involved in the study, specialists in the new field of musical anatomy, were motivated by an article in the April 2007 issue of National Geographic Magazine which traced the birth of hip-hop music to June 27, 1973 in apartment 2B at 1595 East 174th Street in the Bronx. "If they could show that hip-hop was born in the living room of teenager Afrika Bambaataa, then surely we could prove that the heart of rock & roll was indeed in Cleveland," said study spokesman Dr. Walter Sklaar. "The city has cashed in on the rumor for so long, we were just hoping to give the tourism board something to hang their hat on."
What they found was far from their initial theory. "Although we cannot be one-hundred percent certain, we believe that Cleveland is, at best, the gall bladder of rock & roll," said Dr. Sklaar. "It is our belief that the actual heart is found somewhere in Tennessee, the brain is in Ft. Worth, Texas, and New York City is the sphincter of rock & roll."
The news was particularly shocking for Cleveland Mayor, Wilson Goode. "This rock & roll thing gave our community pride", he said. "What else have we got?" Indeed, Cleveland has had a rocky past over the last half century. "What's this city known for? Horrible sports teams, a river that's flammable, the Cleveland steamer! My god, its a wonder why anyone stays here. Did you know Cleveland was the destination for the Edmund Fitzgerald? Yeah, that boat from the song. It chose the bottom of Lake Superior over this city. What does that tell you?" said Goode. Cleveland's rock & roll reputation was what landed them the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, the crown jewel in their attempted renaissance of the 1990's. Now with the recent announcement, the future of the Hall of Fame and Muesum is in doubt.
Cleveland native turned failed comedian, turned game show host, Drew Carey, was not overly surprised at the news. "You saw the show... clearly we had no musical taste whatsoever," he said of his failed ABC sitcom from the 90's, "What, you didn't see my show?... The Drew Carey Show?... We were in syndication!... Oh, never mind! Just trust me, we had very little musical taste."
One person who agrees with the result of the Case Western Study is rocker and News front man Huey Lewis. "Are you kidding? You mean people actually believed that song? Well that's just ridiculous. The original draft of the song was written as "The heart of rock & roll is still beating... in Scranton". We changed it to Cleveland because our A & R man was from there. And even he took it as a joke!" said Lewis.
Cleveland's musical heritage seems to have taken a fatal blow, but one thing is known for sure. Nothing good has ever come from Cleveland. Eliot Ness, George Steinbrenner, the Cleveland Indians, and the afore mentioned Drew Carey and Cleveland Steamer, all thing to avoid. Perhaps now the last hurdle has been cleared to open the way to selling Cleveland to Canada... if even they'll take it.
Staff Writer
September 20.2009
Doctors at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland have announced that they have scientific proof that Cleveland, Ohio is, in fact, not the heart of rock & roll. The results of a two year study are set to be published concurrently in the October issues of the Journal of American Medicine and Rolling Stone Magazine.
The doctors involved in the study, specialists in the new field of musical anatomy, were motivated by an article in the April 2007 issue of National Geographic Magazine which traced the birth of hip-hop music to June 27, 1973 in apartment 2B at 1595 East 174th Street in the Bronx. "If they could show that hip-hop was born in the living room of teenager Afrika Bambaataa, then surely we could prove that the heart of rock & roll was indeed in Cleveland," said study spokesman Dr. Walter Sklaar. "The city has cashed in on the rumor for so long, we were just hoping to give the tourism board something to hang their hat on."
What they found was far from their initial theory. "Although we cannot be one-hundred percent certain, we believe that Cleveland is, at best, the gall bladder of rock & roll," said Dr. Sklaar. "It is our belief that the actual heart is found somewhere in Tennessee, the brain is in Ft. Worth, Texas, and New York City is the sphincter of rock & roll."
The news was particularly shocking for Cleveland Mayor, Wilson Goode. "This rock & roll thing gave our community pride", he said. "What else have we got?" Indeed, Cleveland has had a rocky past over the last half century. "What's this city known for? Horrible sports teams, a river that's flammable, the Cleveland steamer! My god, its a wonder why anyone stays here. Did you know Cleveland was the destination for the Edmund Fitzgerald? Yeah, that boat from the song. It chose the bottom of Lake Superior over this city. What does that tell you?" said Goode. Cleveland's rock & roll reputation was what landed them the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, the crown jewel in their attempted renaissance of the 1990's. Now with the recent announcement, the future of the Hall of Fame and Muesum is in doubt.
Cleveland native turned failed comedian, turned game show host, Drew Carey, was not overly surprised at the news. "You saw the show... clearly we had no musical taste whatsoever," he said of his failed ABC sitcom from the 90's, "What, you didn't see my show?... The Drew Carey Show?... We were in syndication!... Oh, never mind! Just trust me, we had very little musical taste."
One person who agrees with the result of the Case Western Study is rocker and News front man Huey Lewis. "Are you kidding? You mean people actually believed that song? Well that's just ridiculous. The original draft of the song was written as "The heart of rock & roll is still beating... in Scranton". We changed it to Cleveland because our A & R man was from there. And even he took it as a joke!" said Lewis.
Cleveland's musical heritage seems to have taken a fatal blow, but one thing is known for sure. Nothing good has ever come from Cleveland. Eliot Ness, George Steinbrenner, the Cleveland Indians, and the afore mentioned Drew Carey and Cleveland Steamer, all thing to avoid. Perhaps now the last hurdle has been cleared to open the way to selling Cleveland to Canada... if even they'll take it.
Times Turns 90... Oh The Memories
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
September 11, 2009
Today's date holds special meaning for those of us who reside in Cooper County. On this day in 1919 the first edition of the Cooper County Times was published in newly christened Cooper Township.
1919 was a big year for the town and county of Cooper, for it was that year that businessmen from Chicago moved to the area to take advantage of its proximity to the Canadian border. They brought with them dozens of skilled laborers and their families to establish Cooper as an outpost in the north woods. In fact, it was the prevalence of coopers, or barrel makers, brought to the town that gave the town and county its name. Apparently barrels were very important in whatever business in which the founders were involved.
The times bears little resemblance to the current publication we all enjoy today. A common use of the paper in the first few years was to announce to friends and "girlfriends" when the spouses of the editors and reporters would be away. A typical entry reads as such, "The wife of Mr. Fred Krunske will be away the week of Sept 12-19 visiting her sister in Peoria. Should anyone at the train station see Mrs. Krunske returning on a date prior to Sept 19 please send a message to Mr. Krunske at his home post haste." There were also many advertisements of men's products, clothing, hardware, firearms... as well as obituaries of many of the founders old friends and business partners who stayed in the Chicago area.
The format of the Times took a big shift in around 1928. This shift was a direct result of an issue of the Times being accidentally delivered to the town's beauty parlor. Apparently the granting of suffrage inspired a desire to keep up on the news, which proved disastrous for the "girlfriends" industry in Cooper. After the shift the Times began to report more hard news. Some examples of headlines in the following years; "Mysterious Fire Destroys Manor of Ms. Annie Smythe: 13 Women Homeless" or "Many Dead Animals Found in Woods North of Town, Bears Suspected".
The Times evolution into what it is today really began after WWII when returning soldier Clifton Chase took over as editor of the Times. By this time Cooper had become a sort of retirement community for Chicago businessmen, many of whom had made their fortune young and retired at an early age. Chase, a graduate of the University of Minnesota with a degree in Journalism, migrated to Cooper because he heard a man could get a good drink in that town. As luck would have it, there was an opening on the Times' staff when the body of the reporter investigating the dead animals found in the woods north of town was found mutilated and covered with scat. A bear was suspected.
Chase added a weather report and sports column to the Times by the end of 1946, and expanded circulation throughout the county by the end of the decade. He ingratiated himself with the aging town founders by re-introducing the travels of their spouses in a Society page. Somehow the women didn't catch on. Chase held the position of editor for nearly forty years, from '46 to '82. He died while setting the type for the recap of the first football game the University of Minnesota played in the Metrodome. I think we all died a little that day... because of the loss of Clifton Chase, that is.
So as we go about our day today, September 11, lets take some time to remember the history of our community. Lets remember the humble, if hidden beginnings. Lets remember the many stories and clues published along the way by devoted reporters who didn't live to see the end of their work. And lets remember just how important it is to pay attention to the details, for if we had paid attention to the reports, the tragedy of the discovery of the sasquatches living in the woods north of Cooper might have been avoided, or at least the body count lessened.
Here's to Cooper, 90 years and going strong!
Staff Writer
September 11, 2009
Today's date holds special meaning for those of us who reside in Cooper County. On this day in 1919 the first edition of the Cooper County Times was published in newly christened Cooper Township.
1919 was a big year for the town and county of Cooper, for it was that year that businessmen from Chicago moved to the area to take advantage of its proximity to the Canadian border. They brought with them dozens of skilled laborers and their families to establish Cooper as an outpost in the north woods. In fact, it was the prevalence of coopers, or barrel makers, brought to the town that gave the town and county its name. Apparently barrels were very important in whatever business in which the founders were involved.
The times bears little resemblance to the current publication we all enjoy today. A common use of the paper in the first few years was to announce to friends and "girlfriends" when the spouses of the editors and reporters would be away. A typical entry reads as such, "The wife of Mr. Fred Krunske will be away the week of Sept 12-19 visiting her sister in Peoria. Should anyone at the train station see Mrs. Krunske returning on a date prior to Sept 19 please send a message to Mr. Krunske at his home post haste." There were also many advertisements of men's products, clothing, hardware, firearms... as well as obituaries of many of the founders old friends and business partners who stayed in the Chicago area.
The format of the Times took a big shift in around 1928. This shift was a direct result of an issue of the Times being accidentally delivered to the town's beauty parlor. Apparently the granting of suffrage inspired a desire to keep up on the news, which proved disastrous for the "girlfriends" industry in Cooper. After the shift the Times began to report more hard news. Some examples of headlines in the following years; "Mysterious Fire Destroys Manor of Ms. Annie Smythe: 13 Women Homeless" or "Many Dead Animals Found in Woods North of Town, Bears Suspected".
The Times evolution into what it is today really began after WWII when returning soldier Clifton Chase took over as editor of the Times. By this time Cooper had become a sort of retirement community for Chicago businessmen, many of whom had made their fortune young and retired at an early age. Chase, a graduate of the University of Minnesota with a degree in Journalism, migrated to Cooper because he heard a man could get a good drink in that town. As luck would have it, there was an opening on the Times' staff when the body of the reporter investigating the dead animals found in the woods north of town was found mutilated and covered with scat. A bear was suspected.
Chase added a weather report and sports column to the Times by the end of 1946, and expanded circulation throughout the county by the end of the decade. He ingratiated himself with the aging town founders by re-introducing the travels of their spouses in a Society page. Somehow the women didn't catch on. Chase held the position of editor for nearly forty years, from '46 to '82. He died while setting the type for the recap of the first football game the University of Minnesota played in the Metrodome. I think we all died a little that day... because of the loss of Clifton Chase, that is.
So as we go about our day today, September 11, lets take some time to remember the history of our community. Lets remember the humble, if hidden beginnings. Lets remember the many stories and clues published along the way by devoted reporters who didn't live to see the end of their work. And lets remember just how important it is to pay attention to the details, for if we had paid attention to the reports, the tragedy of the discovery of the sasquatches living in the woods north of Cooper might have been avoided, or at least the body count lessened.
Here's to Cooper, 90 years and going strong!
Ketchup Banned in Cooper
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
September 2, 2009
Citizens of Cooper will no longer be allowed to possess, manufacture or sell the tomato based condiment known as ketchup, or catsup, within the limits of Cooper, decreed the town council in a controversial decision reached last night.
The bill banning the condiment was presented by councilmember Washington Smoot, 58, of 1205 4th Ave. Smoot has been a member of the town council for seventeen years, but this is the first bill he as presented to the five member body.
The meeting of the town council last night was their last meeting scheduled for the year and their agenda included three main bills relating to the city's budget for the coming year. Councilman Smoot began the meeting by demanding the floor and ambushing the council with his bill.
"He threw a threat of a filibuster at us!" Said Mayor Douglas Winchester. "He said if we didn't pass his damn Ketchup ban then he'd hold up all the city's business for the next year. Well I've got plans for the Labor Day weekend and I'm not about to sit in that damn chair and wait him out, what with my bad back and all. So we let him have it." The council quickly voted 4 to 1 to pass the Smoot Ketchup ban and move on with the remaining agenda items. The one dissenting vote was from the youngest member of the council, Tanner Clay, who said, "If I were to vote for this ridiculous thing I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Everyone on this council should do the town a favor and go home and drink a bottle of drain cleaner!" Strong words indeed.
After Mayor Winchester closed the meeting, upon finalization of the city's budget for 2010, this reporter asked Council member Smoot what motivated his ban of Ketchup. "I've never liked that stuff," he said. "It really is an overrated condiment. Its no good on hot dogs or steaks, its too messy on hamburgers, and its just mediocre on french fries. And anybody who puts that stuff on eggs ought to be deported to North Dakota! I think we'll all come to find in time that we can live our lives just fine without Ketchup." Council member Smoot continued, "I know this bill will seem controversial and people will think I'm a fool. But just remember that this is democracy in action. Sometimes it takes a majority of one to do what's truly right for the public at large.
Town Sheriff Oscar Gland was already drawing up plans for the enforcement of Smoot's ketchup ban by the end of the meeting. "We'll begin by setting up roadblocks on the four major roads into and out of town, and search every automobile entering for contraband. Once the quarantine is established we will conduct a door to door search of every residence and business and confiscate all ketchup and equipment related to the manufacturing of ketchup. We hope to not have to go so far as to uproot all tomato plants found within the town, but if we're finding anyone participating in the bootlegging of ketchup, their gardens will be plowed under."
This author has two thoughts at this time. First, what really is the difference between ketchup and catsup? And second, that today I am so proud to be living in a representative democracy! God Bless America!
Staff Writer
September 2, 2009
Citizens of Cooper will no longer be allowed to possess, manufacture or sell the tomato based condiment known as ketchup, or catsup, within the limits of Cooper, decreed the town council in a controversial decision reached last night.
The bill banning the condiment was presented by councilmember Washington Smoot, 58, of 1205 4th Ave. Smoot has been a member of the town council for seventeen years, but this is the first bill he as presented to the five member body.
The meeting of the town council last night was their last meeting scheduled for the year and their agenda included three main bills relating to the city's budget for the coming year. Councilman Smoot began the meeting by demanding the floor and ambushing the council with his bill.
"He threw a threat of a filibuster at us!" Said Mayor Douglas Winchester. "He said if we didn't pass his damn Ketchup ban then he'd hold up all the city's business for the next year. Well I've got plans for the Labor Day weekend and I'm not about to sit in that damn chair and wait him out, what with my bad back and all. So we let him have it." The council quickly voted 4 to 1 to pass the Smoot Ketchup ban and move on with the remaining agenda items. The one dissenting vote was from the youngest member of the council, Tanner Clay, who said, "If I were to vote for this ridiculous thing I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Everyone on this council should do the town a favor and go home and drink a bottle of drain cleaner!" Strong words indeed.
After Mayor Winchester closed the meeting, upon finalization of the city's budget for 2010, this reporter asked Council member Smoot what motivated his ban of Ketchup. "I've never liked that stuff," he said. "It really is an overrated condiment. Its no good on hot dogs or steaks, its too messy on hamburgers, and its just mediocre on french fries. And anybody who puts that stuff on eggs ought to be deported to North Dakota! I think we'll all come to find in time that we can live our lives just fine without Ketchup." Council member Smoot continued, "I know this bill will seem controversial and people will think I'm a fool. But just remember that this is democracy in action. Sometimes it takes a majority of one to do what's truly right for the public at large.
Town Sheriff Oscar Gland was already drawing up plans for the enforcement of Smoot's ketchup ban by the end of the meeting. "We'll begin by setting up roadblocks on the four major roads into and out of town, and search every automobile entering for contraband. Once the quarantine is established we will conduct a door to door search of every residence and business and confiscate all ketchup and equipment related to the manufacturing of ketchup. We hope to not have to go so far as to uproot all tomato plants found within the town, but if we're finding anyone participating in the bootlegging of ketchup, their gardens will be plowed under."
This author has two thoughts at this time. First, what really is the difference between ketchup and catsup? And second, that today I am so proud to be living in a representative democracy! God Bless America!
Hole, Health Care & Hitler
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
August 6, 2009
The latest in a series of health care town hall meetings took place at Sasquatch Hole, north of Cooper in Cooper County, last night. And the meeting ended like so many others throughout the country.
Freshman Representative Lauren Anderson (D) of Minnesota's 8th district appeared at Sasquatch Hole to educate and inform the people and non-people of Cooper County about the democrats plans for health care reform. "I'm very excited to be having this meeting at Sasquatch Hole," Anderson began. "Just a year ago this community was still unknown to Minnesota and the world. And what great strides we've made in the last year! I hear the sasquatches now have cable television running to their wallows. And all this progress under the strong democratic leadership of President Obama and the Democratic led Congress!"
Anderson went on to give an outline of the administrations plans for health care reform, stressing that all citizens of the United States, human and non-human deserve free health care.
editors note: non-human is the generally accepted term to refer to the sasquatch population of Cooper County.
The town hall meeting became heated when the floor was opened for questions and comments. First, Mrs. Ida Hicks, 67, from Cooper, shared her great experience with Medicare and how having that has saved her life. This generated many jeers and boos from the more conservative factions of the audience. Next, a man, unidentified, took the microphone and decried the democratic plan as socialism and shouted that Rep. Anderson was just like Hitler, a reference to former German dictator Adolph Hitler, d. 1945, who was a failed artist that killed millions of Jews. The cheers from that comment lasted several minutes and prevented Rep. Anderson from responding.
When order was restored a second man, unidentified, took the microphone and proclaimed the tactics of the anti-reform members of the audience to be evil and dictatorial, "not unlike Adolph Hitler," he said. This comment threw the entire meeting into chaos, with the non-humans (sasquatches) sitting in the back staring at each other.
Suddenly all the sasquatches jumped up and began grunting something sounding like Hitler. They moved through the crowd, banging peoples heads together, and throwing their limp, unconscious bodies out of the meeting hall. When the last person was tossed out, some 60 in all, the sasquatches gathered at a television screen on the side of the stage, turned the channel to Fox News and continued their Hitler grunts. Thus ended the Cooper County health care town hall meeting.
This reporter learned two things last night. First, that to avoid getting your head banged by a sasquatch you need only go limp on the floor and close your eyes. They likely won't think you're dead, but they'll label you a coward and deem you not worth the effort to bonk your head. And second, that sasquatches are much more human-like than previously thought.
Staff Writer
August 6, 2009
The latest in a series of health care town hall meetings took place at Sasquatch Hole, north of Cooper in Cooper County, last night. And the meeting ended like so many others throughout the country.
Freshman Representative Lauren Anderson (D) of Minnesota's 8th district appeared at Sasquatch Hole to educate and inform the people and non-people of Cooper County about the democrats plans for health care reform. "I'm very excited to be having this meeting at Sasquatch Hole," Anderson began. "Just a year ago this community was still unknown to Minnesota and the world. And what great strides we've made in the last year! I hear the sasquatches now have cable television running to their wallows. And all this progress under the strong democratic leadership of President Obama and the Democratic led Congress!"
Anderson went on to give an outline of the administrations plans for health care reform, stressing that all citizens of the United States, human and non-human deserve free health care.
editors note: non-human is the generally accepted term to refer to the sasquatch population of Cooper County.
The town hall meeting became heated when the floor was opened for questions and comments. First, Mrs. Ida Hicks, 67, from Cooper, shared her great experience with Medicare and how having that has saved her life. This generated many jeers and boos from the more conservative factions of the audience. Next, a man, unidentified, took the microphone and decried the democratic plan as socialism and shouted that Rep. Anderson was just like Hitler, a reference to former German dictator Adolph Hitler, d. 1945, who was a failed artist that killed millions of Jews. The cheers from that comment lasted several minutes and prevented Rep. Anderson from responding.
When order was restored a second man, unidentified, took the microphone and proclaimed the tactics of the anti-reform members of the audience to be evil and dictatorial, "not unlike Adolph Hitler," he said. This comment threw the entire meeting into chaos, with the non-humans (sasquatches) sitting in the back staring at each other.
Suddenly all the sasquatches jumped up and began grunting something sounding like Hitler. They moved through the crowd, banging peoples heads together, and throwing their limp, unconscious bodies out of the meeting hall. When the last person was tossed out, some 60 in all, the sasquatches gathered at a television screen on the side of the stage, turned the channel to Fox News and continued their Hitler grunts. Thus ended the Cooper County health care town hall meeting.
This reporter learned two things last night. First, that to avoid getting your head banged by a sasquatch you need only go limp on the floor and close your eyes. They likely won't think you're dead, but they'll label you a coward and deem you not worth the effort to bonk your head. And second, that sasquatches are much more human-like than previously thought.
Pols Visit to Sasquatches Turns Messy
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
October 19, 2008
The visit to Sasquatch Hole, as their home territory has been dubbed by locals, by representatives of both local Republican and Democratic parties ended with a lot of mud throwing on Wednesday.
Two term representative Wilbur Fink (R) representing the state's 8th district was the first to make an appearance in Sasquatch Hole. He arrived at 9 am clad in hiking boots and a black suit, with several aides and reporters in tow. He met up with the sasquatches as they were returning from Rainy River where they no doubt were bathing that morning. He immediately launched into his standard campaign speech about small government and personal responsibility and individual liberty. When he began talking about his staunch support of the NRA the first ball of mud whizzed by his head.
The next few minutes were a whirr of muck being hurtled back and forth as the sasquatches tried to drive the interlopers from their home. Representative Fink continued with his speech for a few minutes while dodging the barrage, but finally gave up when a clump struck him directly in the mouth. He was heard by this reporter to mutter, "This ain't mud... they're throwing s***!"
After returning to the awaiting caravan parked on County Road 15 and wiping his face, Representative Fink said he thought the meeting was a great success and was confident that the sasquatches shared the ideals of the Republican Party.
That Afternoon it was the democrats turn to court the votes of their hairy new-found neighbors. Lauren Anderson (D) who is running for Representative Fink's seat in Washington arrived around 3 pm to Sasquatch Hole where the majority of the clan was gathered. She walked among the beasts introducing herself and offering her hand to them. The responses of the sasquatches was one of confusion. After mingling among them for a few minutes she too began her standard stump speech. Calm lasted for several minutes as the sasquatches seemed to listen politely. When Anderson began talking about her food stamp program three of the larger sasquatches got rather agitated and ran off into the bush with much noise. They returned a few minutes later clutching rabbits and birds in their hands. The ran up to Anderson, threw the animals down at her feet and began stomping on them.
Anderson and her aides began running away as the blood, fur and feathers were splattering all around and the other sasquatches became very excited. Thus ended the democrats visit.
Anderson also held an impromptu press conference back at the caravan on the county road. After wiping the rabbit blood off her pant suit, she told the assembled media that she was confident that the sasquatches would vote democrat in the upcoming election. "You all saw how excited they were about my food stamps program," she said. "I just know that with their help Cooper County and the 8th District will go democrat this year."
In this reporter's opinion Anderson has reason to be optimistic. At least she didn't go home with a mouth full of s***.
Staff Writer
October 19, 2008
The visit to Sasquatch Hole, as their home territory has been dubbed by locals, by representatives of both local Republican and Democratic parties ended with a lot of mud throwing on Wednesday.
Two term representative Wilbur Fink (R) representing the state's 8th district was the first to make an appearance in Sasquatch Hole. He arrived at 9 am clad in hiking boots and a black suit, with several aides and reporters in tow. He met up with the sasquatches as they were returning from Rainy River where they no doubt were bathing that morning. He immediately launched into his standard campaign speech about small government and personal responsibility and individual liberty. When he began talking about his staunch support of the NRA the first ball of mud whizzed by his head.
The next few minutes were a whirr of muck being hurtled back and forth as the sasquatches tried to drive the interlopers from their home. Representative Fink continued with his speech for a few minutes while dodging the barrage, but finally gave up when a clump struck him directly in the mouth. He was heard by this reporter to mutter, "This ain't mud... they're throwing s***!"
After returning to the awaiting caravan parked on County Road 15 and wiping his face, Representative Fink said he thought the meeting was a great success and was confident that the sasquatches shared the ideals of the Republican Party.
That Afternoon it was the democrats turn to court the votes of their hairy new-found neighbors. Lauren Anderson (D) who is running for Representative Fink's seat in Washington arrived around 3 pm to Sasquatch Hole where the majority of the clan was gathered. She walked among the beasts introducing herself and offering her hand to them. The responses of the sasquatches was one of confusion. After mingling among them for a few minutes she too began her standard stump speech. Calm lasted for several minutes as the sasquatches seemed to listen politely. When Anderson began talking about her food stamp program three of the larger sasquatches got rather agitated and ran off into the bush with much noise. They returned a few minutes later clutching rabbits and birds in their hands. The ran up to Anderson, threw the animals down at her feet and began stomping on them.
Anderson and her aides began running away as the blood, fur and feathers were splattering all around and the other sasquatches became very excited. Thus ended the democrats visit.
Anderson also held an impromptu press conference back at the caravan on the county road. After wiping the rabbit blood off her pant suit, she told the assembled media that she was confident that the sasquatches would vote democrat in the upcoming election. "You all saw how excited they were about my food stamps program," she said. "I just know that with their help Cooper County and the 8th District will go democrat this year."
In this reporter's opinion Anderson has reason to be optimistic. At least she didn't go home with a mouth full of s***.
Sasquatches Get In On Election Hoopla
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
October 17, 2008
The startling discovery last week of a group of sasquatches living in an unsettled area of Cooper County 8 miles north of Cooper has brought the attention of local voter registration drives as well as both local republican and democratic parties.
Representatives of ACORN arrived yesterday to register the 31 sasquatches to vote in the coming election. When asked if a non-human could legally vote in Cooper County, an ACORN representative stated that the only requirements for voting in the state of Minnesota are the ability to prove you're 18 years old or above, and to prove that you are a full time resident of the state. The age of most of the sasquatches is clearly above 18 based on their height, and their residency was certified by ACORN when several of the sasquatches were seen "marking their territory".
This controversial decision was upheld by the state Attorney General. "The last thing I'm about to do is to disenfranchise a bloc of voters based on their appearance" said Attorney General Thomas Moon.
This decision by the Attorney General caused both local democratic and republican parties to put together plans to court the votes of the sasquatches. "We know so little of how they may vote", said county republican chair Melvin Forte. "Its a perfect opportunity to shape the issues around their needs and capture their vote." Democrats also plan a visit to the sasquatches home. "They must be democrats," said local volunteer and bird watcher Susan Finch, "The Democrats are the party of the environment and helping those less fortunate. We'll get those sasquatches enrolled in every public aid program we have."
Both parties plan to visit the sasquatches on Wednesday.
Staff Writer
October 17, 2008
The startling discovery last week of a group of sasquatches living in an unsettled area of Cooper County 8 miles north of Cooper has brought the attention of local voter registration drives as well as both local republican and democratic parties.
Representatives of ACORN arrived yesterday to register the 31 sasquatches to vote in the coming election. When asked if a non-human could legally vote in Cooper County, an ACORN representative stated that the only requirements for voting in the state of Minnesota are the ability to prove you're 18 years old or above, and to prove that you are a full time resident of the state. The age of most of the sasquatches is clearly above 18 based on their height, and their residency was certified by ACORN when several of the sasquatches were seen "marking their territory".
This controversial decision was upheld by the state Attorney General. "The last thing I'm about to do is to disenfranchise a bloc of voters based on their appearance" said Attorney General Thomas Moon.
This decision by the Attorney General caused both local democratic and republican parties to put together plans to court the votes of the sasquatches. "We know so little of how they may vote", said county republican chair Melvin Forte. "Its a perfect opportunity to shape the issues around their needs and capture their vote." Democrats also plan a visit to the sasquatches home. "They must be democrats," said local volunteer and bird watcher Susan Finch, "The Democrats are the party of the environment and helping those less fortunate. We'll get those sasquatches enrolled in every public aid program we have."
Both parties plan to visit the sasquatches on Wednesday.
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