by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
November 27, 2009
Police were called to the scene of a bizarre protest yesterday in downtown Cooper; a protest that resulted in one arrest. Cooper resident Bob Zimmerman was taken into police custody and charged with one count of disturbing the peace and one count of discharging a weapon.
Officers were called around three pm yesterday with reports of a man ranting incoherently on the streets of downtown Cooper and building a bonfire in the middle of Main Street. When they arrived they found 67 year old Bob Zimmerman running around a bonfire built in the center of the street, waving a pistol and shouting incoherently and making reference to Mabus, the sasquatch member of the town council. They approached Zimmerman without incident and placed him into custody without having to fire any shots.
Witnesses to the incident report Zimmerman saying something like, "Century 2 Quatrain 62". According to one witness he kept saying, "Don't you see, people? Mabus is the one. He's the Antichrist. Century 2 Quatrain 62!" Another witness heard Zimmerman say, "There will come of people and beasts a horrible rout." I was a little frightened,", the witness said, " I knew he lost control when I saw him build a fire on Main Street and shoot it full of holes."
Police say he will be evaluated by a psychologist prior to his court appearance on Monday. He is facing up to three years in prison, due mostly to the discharging of a firearm in city limits. No motive has been presented and as yet nobody knows what his rantings meant. It is unknown if the event was politically motivated. According to the police there have been no threats made toward Mabus nor protests toward him or his policies. It is also unknown if Zimmerman is a republican or democrat.
One thing is known, for the present time Mr. Zimmerman is stuck inside a jail cell with the Mabus blues again.
Hole Population Swells as Winter Sets In
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
November 4, 2009
Who needs Florida? Cooper County seems to be the winter destination for hundreds of sasquatches living in the U.S. and Canada. Professor Humphrey Whicher, an anthropologist from the University of Minnesota has been following the goings on at sasquatch hole for several months, and has announced the the sasquatch population at the hole has increased five fold in the last month.
"It seems they're much like countless other animals," said Whicher, "when it gets cold they come south and when it gets warm they migrate north. Most likely they're following the food. In the spring they head north and live off different fruits that ripen at different times. And in the fall they travel back south following packs of various small animals. But it would seem that sasquatch hole is or has become the winter grounds for the sasquatch population."
And why not the hole? Since the discovery of the sasquatch population at the hole in the fall of 2007 many improvements have been made. The sasquatches have been given crude building supplies to construct their preferred shelters. And the state of the art community center was built for civic gatherings. The sasquatch population has progressed so far as to have a member on the town council. Mabus the sasquatch was elected last month in a landslide. And if the sasquatch population at the hole continues to grow it may be tough for anyone to unseat him in future elections.
Professor Whicher has written a journal article about the habitats and migration of the sasquatches which will be published next month in the Journal of American Anthropology. Over the year he spent living on the migration route sasquatch hole was by far the most developed and densely populated area. "It's quite clear that they're making a home here in Cooper, and they're here to stay," said Whicher. "And they're really showing signs of adapting to the lifestyle of their human neighbors. Why just the other day I saw a sasquatch wearing a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles sweatshirt. Its pretty amazing, they're really becoming quite civilized. There is a danger to this 'civilizing' of the sasquatches. Their means of survival for countless generations is rapidly coming to an end and being replaced by objects and ideas that are new and foreign to them. Surely this will not be a smooth path to assimilation."
In this reporter's opinion, if a sweatshirt from "Coach" is civilized, then I'm checking out.
Staff Writer
November 4, 2009
Who needs Florida? Cooper County seems to be the winter destination for hundreds of sasquatches living in the U.S. and Canada. Professor Humphrey Whicher, an anthropologist from the University of Minnesota has been following the goings on at sasquatch hole for several months, and has announced the the sasquatch population at the hole has increased five fold in the last month.
"It seems they're much like countless other animals," said Whicher, "when it gets cold they come south and when it gets warm they migrate north. Most likely they're following the food. In the spring they head north and live off different fruits that ripen at different times. And in the fall they travel back south following packs of various small animals. But it would seem that sasquatch hole is or has become the winter grounds for the sasquatch population."
And why not the hole? Since the discovery of the sasquatch population at the hole in the fall of 2007 many improvements have been made. The sasquatches have been given crude building supplies to construct their preferred shelters. And the state of the art community center was built for civic gatherings. The sasquatch population has progressed so far as to have a member on the town council. Mabus the sasquatch was elected last month in a landslide. And if the sasquatch population at the hole continues to grow it may be tough for anyone to unseat him in future elections.
Professor Whicher has written a journal article about the habitats and migration of the sasquatches which will be published next month in the Journal of American Anthropology. Over the year he spent living on the migration route sasquatch hole was by far the most developed and densely populated area. "It's quite clear that they're making a home here in Cooper, and they're here to stay," said Whicher. "And they're really showing signs of adapting to the lifestyle of their human neighbors. Why just the other day I saw a sasquatch wearing a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles sweatshirt. Its pretty amazing, they're really becoming quite civilized. There is a danger to this 'civilizing' of the sasquatches. Their means of survival for countless generations is rapidly coming to an end and being replaced by objects and ideas that are new and foreign to them. Surely this will not be a smooth path to assimilation."
In this reporter's opinion, if a sweatshirt from "Coach" is civilized, then I'm checking out.
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