Short-Lived Halloween Treats of Years Gone By

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

October 27, 2010

Halloween, that magical night of the year when children of all ages, regardless of their costume, act like hobos and parade through their neighborhoods begging for candy, is once again upon us. Largely due to the need for every household to stock a bowl of candy treats, Halloween has become the second most expensive holiday in the United States, behind only Christmas.

Despite the fact that most candy purchased is going to be given away to strangers, consumers have proven to be rather picky about what they buy. In fact, there's a whole list of candies from Halloweens past that, for one reason or another, just didn't make it. Here's a few examples:

Farley's Monkey Paws: Made during the gummy craze of 1987, Farley's Monkey Paws were advertised as the only gummy candy full of real monkey goodness. What Farley's didn't tell us was that the gelatin used to make the gummy Monkey Paws was made from the ground up bones of actual monkeys. The production operation was so sloppy that there were even reports of some bags of Monkey Paws that had monkey hairs stuck to the candy. Farley's settled a class-action lawsuit out of court and ever since has ensured that all gelatin production is limited to the ground-up bones of horses, and the occasional clumsy employee.

Absinthe Joy: This potentially lethal treat dates back to 1922, when everything was 'roarin'. The absinthe flavoring in this small chocolate bar made with coconut came from the highly alcoholic spirit absinthe, distilled from the flowers and leaves of the wormwood plant. Absinthe tastes much like black licorice, but contains a potentially dangerous psychoactive drug. Absinthe was banned in the United States in 1915, but this candy bar was snuck into the country by the Nestle company based in Switzerland. The Absinthe Joy candy bar was pulled after only one year when many young children reported seeing colors that weren't invented until the 1960's, and complained that their fingers were too loud. Trippin' balls!

Pearson's Lint Patties: In 1931, the Pearson's candy company of St. Paul, Minnesota simply did not have enough cash on hand to purchase the by-products to make their mint patties. Not wanting to miss out on the Halloween season, Pearson's found an alternative. They paid young children a nickel per pound for lint. Hordes of children were seen roaming the streets of St. Paul attacking men lined up at soup kitchens and employment offices, rummaging through their empty pockets searching for lint. It was because of these sometimes violent mobs of young lint collectors that many men began to wear their pants with the pockets pulled out, showing the children that they had no lint to give. This look caught on and eventually the trend became known as wearing Hoover wings, named for President Hoover, who had no answer for the the great depression looming over America. The lint, pressed into a wafer and coated in chocolate, was about as tasty as it sounded, but bad candy was better than no candy. The next year, P. Edward Pearson, the company's founder and president, hit a long shot at the horse track and the Pearson's candy company was able to switch back to using mint in their patties.

Sour Muff Kids: Another gummy candy on the list, Sour Muff Kids candy, which hit the shelves in 1985, was a take on the wildly popular Cabbage Patch Kids dolls of the 1980's. It was nothing more than a gummy candy pressed to look like a doll's head. The candy was then coated in ascorbic acid, giving it a very sour taste. The candy proved to be quite popular, but the name caused some controversy. Several busy-body mother's groups sent venomous letters of protest to the Cadbury Company, the makers of the candy. Cadbury heard their complaints and vowed that those mothers would never again have to worry about Sour Muffs. The very same candy was renamed Sour Patch Kids, and has been in production ever since.

Twizzler's Asparagus Twists: The "Blossom" craze of the mid 1990's created a large market for candy that fit into a vegetarian lifestyle. In 1997, Hershey, the makers of Twizzler's licorice saw this potential and created a licorice from asparagus. It wasn't the unfortunate color of the Asparagus Twists that did them in, a hideous pea green color. It wasn't even the questionable flavor combination of asparagus and anise that was the problem. Twizzler's Asparagus Twists didn't last because they made people's urine smell horrible. Ever since, Twizzler's has stuck to cherry, strawberry and black licorice, which only makes people's urine smell moderately bad.

Candied Cream Corn: In 1977, the Brach's company out of Illinois attempted to branch out from the wildly popular candy corn and introduced Candied Cream Corn. It was pretty much just Candy Corn packaged in a slurry of corn syrup and something that looked like toenail clippings. The ultra high sugar content of this candy was its downfall. One serving of Candied Cream Corn contained the equivalent of 4 pounds of grain sugar. Diagnoses of juvenile diabetes skyrocketed in the fall of 1977. The FDA and CDC traced this public health crisis to the Brach's treat and forced them to stop production after just the one Halloween season, but the damage had already been done. Horror writer Stephen King wrote a short story about the effects Candied Cream Corn had on children that autumn... the story would eventually become the 1984 motion picture "Children of the Corn", where children murder all the adults in a small Nebraska town.

So this Halloween, take a good look at the candy filling up your children's' buckets. There's a chance that something in there will never be seen again. The great mystery is not why these candies were ever made in the first place... it is why these candies failed and those disgusting peanut butter flavored toffee balls continue to be made year after year. Happy Halloween!