by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
October 5, 2009
In a stunning announcement yesterday, Democratic candidate Louise Parker has dropped out of contention for the open town council seat due to her arrest for possessing Ketchup within the town limits of Cooper.
Parker made the announcement Sunday night, just two days before the election, after she was arrested early Sunday afternoon at her home. The police received an anonymous phone call informing them that Parker was seen putting Ketchup on what appeared to be a meat loaf and sliding it into the oven. She was in custody before the loaf was done cooking.
The possession of Ketchup in the town limits of Cooper was made illegal in a recently enacted law. There have been three previous arrests made for the violation of the law, but those were for possession with intent to distribute the contraband. Parker's arrest is the first made of a person using the condiment in their own home.
Parker is facing up to 6 months in jail and a $5000 fine, but most likely will receive a much smaller fine and house arrest for a few weeks. Most likely her political career is over before it started. It is unknown if her husband and son also face charges since it is alleged that the meat loaf was for them.
"I'm very embarrassed," Parker said, "And I just don't want to put my family through all of this. I've made a mistake, and I've got to spend some time healing the wounds I've created. To stay in the race now would be irresponsible and unfair to the citizens of Cooper."
Parker's withdrawal from the race has opened the way for the republican candidate, Mabus the sasquatch. Polls taken last week left the race too close to call, but a poll taken late Sunday after Parker's announcement showed Mabus with 94 per cent of the vote. It looks very likely that on Tuesday Mabus will make history as the first non-human to win elected office in the United States.
Les Northington, Mabus' campaign advisor, said "Mabus is very excited about the recent turn of events. He's very eager to win the election and take his seat on the town council. He's spent the last week working very hard on his communication skills... that Rosetta Stone is amazing... and solidifying his platform. Mabus has many great ideas he cannot wait to present to the town council. I guarantee that Cooper will be the better for having Maubs in office."
Polls will open at 7 am tomorrow. Although Parker's name will remain on the ballot, any vote for her will count as no vote. Mabus is planning a celebration at Sasquatch hole. The celebration will be open to the public, and will begin at 7 pm. So anyone willing to go to the hole after sunset is welcome to attend.
Contenders Debate For Open Council Seat
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
September 30, 2009
The citizens of Cooper were finally able to meet the republican and democratic contenders for the vacant seat on the Cooper town council last night at the Cooper High School auditorium. Readers may recall that the seat is vacant due to the unfortunate suicide of council member Richard Aumundsen. Interest was extremely high in the debate due to the shocking announcement last week that the republican nominee for the seat was a sasquatch.
The unprecedented nomination of a non-human for political office seems to be legal due to the State Attorney General's announcement last fall that sasquatches were able to register to vote, clearing the way for them to also contend for office.
Local republican power broker, Les Northington announced Saturday that their nominee for the open seat would be a sasquatch. Little was known about the nominee, including his name. All that is known is that he is clearly a male of the species, and he may be in favor of supporting small business. "In our first meeting all he could say was 'small business'," said Northington. "Well, it sounded more like mabus, since his language and speaking skills aren't that great. But since when have those been requirements for a republican candidate?" Northington continued, "The republicans are open to all minority groups, all races, religions, even species. We're the party of the working man... er... person... er... worker, yeah that's it. And our sasquatch brother has shown us that he is the perfect symbol for the republican party. He works hard to support his family, he takes no handouts from the government, and despite his lack of education he has made something of himself. We're very excited for this election, and for the future of our candidate."
The sasquatch candidate, being referred to as Mabus since that's all he said at the debate last night, met the democratic candidate, Louise Parker in front of a few hundred curious citizens who left the debate more confused than curious. All that could be inferred in the debate was that Mabus may be for small business, and Parker may be for raising property taxes. They both seemed in favor of the town's intention to annex the area known as Sasquatch Hole, making it a part of the town, Parker saying, "I'm certainly in favor of welcoming the sasquatches to our community." While Mabus responded with "Hoooole aaahggghhh yeahhggh!" Well said!
The two candidates will continue their campaigning for the next week, with the election scheduled for Tuesday October 6th. The unique candidate has brought some national attention to the campaign. On the Fox and Friends morning show on the Fox News Network, former weather guy and current conservative shill Steve Doocey, proclaimed Maubs to be the future of the conservative movement and labeled his competition, Louise Parker, "Pinko Parker, another socialist democrat who wants to re-distribute our wealth and take our guns." While former sportscaster and current liberal rock-thrower Keith Olbermann, host of Countdown on MSNBC, said of Mabus, "Yeah, this guy's the new symbol for the republican party... an extinct species... in favor of survival of woodland creatures, but pro guns?... pro family, but seems to have several wives?... illiterate, but believes that education begins at home?... in favor of involvement in foreign wars, but has been isolated for thousands of years? Your worst person... er... creature in the world!!!"
At this point the two candidates are polling nearly even. But with the unpredictable turnout of the residents of Sasquatch Hole, the race really is anyones to win. Both campaigns have pledged to spare no expense to win the seat on the town council. The council is currently split with two democrats and two republicans, so the result of this election could be very important, assuming that the town council really ever does anything at all to effect the lives of its citizens. Polls open at 7 am on Tuesday.
Staff Writer
September 30, 2009
The citizens of Cooper were finally able to meet the republican and democratic contenders for the vacant seat on the Cooper town council last night at the Cooper High School auditorium. Readers may recall that the seat is vacant due to the unfortunate suicide of council member Richard Aumundsen. Interest was extremely high in the debate due to the shocking announcement last week that the republican nominee for the seat was a sasquatch.
The unprecedented nomination of a non-human for political office seems to be legal due to the State Attorney General's announcement last fall that sasquatches were able to register to vote, clearing the way for them to also contend for office.
Local republican power broker, Les Northington announced Saturday that their nominee for the open seat would be a sasquatch. Little was known about the nominee, including his name. All that is known is that he is clearly a male of the species, and he may be in favor of supporting small business. "In our first meeting all he could say was 'small business'," said Northington. "Well, it sounded more like mabus, since his language and speaking skills aren't that great. But since when have those been requirements for a republican candidate?" Northington continued, "The republicans are open to all minority groups, all races, religions, even species. We're the party of the working man... er... person... er... worker, yeah that's it. And our sasquatch brother has shown us that he is the perfect symbol for the republican party. He works hard to support his family, he takes no handouts from the government, and despite his lack of education he has made something of himself. We're very excited for this election, and for the future of our candidate."
The sasquatch candidate, being referred to as Mabus since that's all he said at the debate last night, met the democratic candidate, Louise Parker in front of a few hundred curious citizens who left the debate more confused than curious. All that could be inferred in the debate was that Mabus may be for small business, and Parker may be for raising property taxes. They both seemed in favor of the town's intention to annex the area known as Sasquatch Hole, making it a part of the town, Parker saying, "I'm certainly in favor of welcoming the sasquatches to our community." While Mabus responded with "Hoooole aaahggghhh yeahhggh!" Well said!
The two candidates will continue their campaigning for the next week, with the election scheduled for Tuesday October 6th. The unique candidate has brought some national attention to the campaign. On the Fox and Friends morning show on the Fox News Network, former weather guy and current conservative shill Steve Doocey, proclaimed Maubs to be the future of the conservative movement and labeled his competition, Louise Parker, "Pinko Parker, another socialist democrat who wants to re-distribute our wealth and take our guns." While former sportscaster and current liberal rock-thrower Keith Olbermann, host of Countdown on MSNBC, said of Mabus, "Yeah, this guy's the new symbol for the republican party... an extinct species... in favor of survival of woodland creatures, but pro guns?... pro family, but seems to have several wives?... illiterate, but believes that education begins at home?... in favor of involvement in foreign wars, but has been isolated for thousands of years? Your worst person... er... creature in the world!!!"
At this point the two candidates are polling nearly even. But with the unpredictable turnout of the residents of Sasquatch Hole, the race really is anyones to win. Both campaigns have pledged to spare no expense to win the seat on the town council. The council is currently split with two democrats and two republicans, so the result of this election could be very important, assuming that the town council really ever does anything at all to effect the lives of its citizens. Polls open at 7 am on Tuesday.
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