Sasquatch in Space Ends in Pain for Former Child Star

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

May 17, 2010

The Russian Soyuz spacecraft returned to Earth yesterday after one week in orbit with a very interesting crew on board. The trip received much coverage due to the presence of local Sasquatch Tang on board. Tang, a 22 year old male resident of Sasquatch Hole named for orange color of his hair, was chosen by the Russian Space Agency to travel into space and conduct experiments on the effects of space travel on the Sasquatch anatomy.

The spacecraft also had on board a space tourist, former child star Macaulay Culkin, star of the first two "Home Alone" movies. Culkin, now 29, paid an estimated $22 million for the trip to space. It is believed that Culkin got the money from the estate of the late pop star, Michael Jackson, whom Culkin was very close friends with since the early 1990's.

Details are still sketchy, but it seems that on day six of the seven day mission there was an altercation between Culkin and Tang. Culkin continually referred to Tang as "Bubbles", possibly in reference to the pet Chimpanzee of Michael Jackson. Tang, after repeatedly warning Culkin to stop, grabbed both of Culkin's arms and pulled, tearing them from Culkin's torso. After a few seconds of hushed shock, fellow crew members stepped in and put an end to the altercation.

Culkin's arms were secured and stored in refrigeration for possible re-attachment. Culkin was bandaged and bundled into a sleeping bag styled apparatus and prepared for re-entry. Amazingly, there was very little blood loss, possibly due to the absence of gravity. Doctors believe they can successfully re-attach the arms and Culkin should regain some use of the severed limbs.

Authorities were waiting to question the crew upon landing, but it appears that no charges will be brought against Tang. Since the altercation occurred aboard a Russian spacecraft, any possible crime would fall under Russian jurisdiction. And the Russian Legal Code has a strong provocation clause written into assault and battery laws. Under Russian law, being referred to as "Bubbles" grants one the right to batter the name-caller. Tang will remain in Russia for one more week to complete tests pertaining to the mission, and then will return home to Cooper, where a parade is already planned.

Prior to departure, the scientific benefits of the mission were called into question. Upon completion, we can fairly say that Sasquatches are fit for space travel, but may become agitated after being cooped up for an extended period. We've also learned that in future intergalactic wars, it will be even more difficult to kill the giant insect enemies if their wounds do not ooze and bleed as much without an atmosphere.

We've also learned two far more valuable lessons; that child stars really are bad with their money, and that you really, really should not provoke a Sasquatch. Valuable lessons, indeed.

Mabus Arrested at Tea Party Event in Arizona

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

May 2, 2010

It would appear that Mabus the Sasquatch, Cooper City Councilman and Tea Party candidate for Governor of Minnesota has become the first victim of the newly enacted and highly publicized illegal alien law in the state of Arizona.

Ironically, Mabus was in the state to attend a rally sponsored by the Tea Party for America meant to show support for the newly enacted law which allows police officers to ask for proof of citizenship whenever there is probable cause to believe that someone may not be a legal citizen of the United States. He was flown into Phoenix on a private jet provided by a private donor to the Tea Party.

While en route from the airport to the convention hall where he was to give a speech, the van he and a few other Tea Party bigwigs was riding in was involved in a minor traffic accident. A State Patrol Officer arrived on the scene and began questioning the drivers and passengers of the two cars involved. After questioning Mabus about what occurred the Trooper asked Mabus to show him his identification, or some sort of proof of citizenship. "I cannot say if it was my physical appearance or perhaps my British accent, but the officer did not take me for an American," said Mabus. "Were I to possess a drivers license I would have gladly presented it to him, but alas I simply do not drive. And I am sorry to say that I have neither a birth certificate nor social security card, nor any other identification which a legal human resident of the United States might possess. This lack of documentation put me into quite a pickle."

Councilman Mabus was not the only passenger of the van to be questioned as to their citizenship. Former Alaska Governor Sara Palin was also in the van, and when questioned by the Trooper, was also unable to provide any identification. "She spoke with a Canadian accent, claimed she was from Alaska, and in general seemed quite incoherent," the Trooper said. It wasn't until a second Trooper arrived on the scene and recognized her, incorrectly, as "that Jew comedy lady that lives in Rockefeller Center" that she was free to go.

Councilman Mabus was taken into custody and transported to a nearby police station for further questioning. The situation was finally cleared up when Mabus suggested that the officers take a look at our very own Cooper County Times web site and compare pictures on the site with him. The officers came to the conclusion that Mabus was a legal naturalized citizen of the United States and allowed him to go.

Later that day at the Barry M. Goldwater Convention Hall, Mabus took to the stage as scheduled for his remarks. "It truly is an honor to speak to all you great citizen of Arizona in this Hall, named for another great Arizonan and American. Barry Goldwater once said, 'Extremism in the pursuit of justice is no vice, and moderation in the defense of liberty no virtue.' Those words fairly well sum up our participation in the Tea Party of American and fairly well explain the necessity of this new illegal alien law." Mabus continued, "There is a lot of ill will toward the state and the governor due to this new law. I understand the Chuck D and Flava Flav are putting together a remix of 'By The Time I Get To Arizona'(The crowd broke into loud booing at that comment). Well let me just say to Chuck D, 'neither party is mine. Not the jackass or the elephant', (The crowd broke into wild applause at that comment). And we cannot expect the same old politicians to solve the same old problems we have dealt with for many years. Perhaps it is time to let a Sasquatch have a crack at it."

After the cheers died down and the checks rolled in, Councilman Mabus was back on his private jet back to Minnesota. Despite the arrest, the trip was a success. Councilman Mabus took in an estimated $1.5 million for his Gubernatorial campaign, and gained even more national recognition both within and without the Tea Party movement.

One still cannot help to wonder just what lurks beneath the surface of this Sasquatch? While en route this reporter heard Mabus singing under his breath, " Population none in the desert and sun/ Wit' a gun cracker/ Runnin' things under his thumb/ Starin' hard at the postcards/ Isn't it odd and unique?/ Seein' people smile wild in the heat/ 120 degree/ 'Cause I wanna be free/ What's a smilin' fact/ When the whole state's racist". It would appear that the citizens of Cooper and Minnesota truly have an enigma on their hands.