Sasquatch in Space Ends in Pain for Former Child Star

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

May 17, 2010

The Russian Soyuz spacecraft returned to Earth yesterday after one week in orbit with a very interesting crew on board. The trip received much coverage due to the presence of local Sasquatch Tang on board. Tang, a 22 year old male resident of Sasquatch Hole named for orange color of his hair, was chosen by the Russian Space Agency to travel into space and conduct experiments on the effects of space travel on the Sasquatch anatomy.

The spacecraft also had on board a space tourist, former child star Macaulay Culkin, star of the first two "Home Alone" movies. Culkin, now 29, paid an estimated $22 million for the trip to space. It is believed that Culkin got the money from the estate of the late pop star, Michael Jackson, whom Culkin was very close friends with since the early 1990's.

Details are still sketchy, but it seems that on day six of the seven day mission there was an altercation between Culkin and Tang. Culkin continually referred to Tang as "Bubbles", possibly in reference to the pet Chimpanzee of Michael Jackson. Tang, after repeatedly warning Culkin to stop, grabbed both of Culkin's arms and pulled, tearing them from Culkin's torso. After a few seconds of hushed shock, fellow crew members stepped in and put an end to the altercation.

Culkin's arms were secured and stored in refrigeration for possible re-attachment. Culkin was bandaged and bundled into a sleeping bag styled apparatus and prepared for re-entry. Amazingly, there was very little blood loss, possibly due to the absence of gravity. Doctors believe they can successfully re-attach the arms and Culkin should regain some use of the severed limbs.

Authorities were waiting to question the crew upon landing, but it appears that no charges will be brought against Tang. Since the altercation occurred aboard a Russian spacecraft, any possible crime would fall under Russian jurisdiction. And the Russian Legal Code has a strong provocation clause written into assault and battery laws. Under Russian law, being referred to as "Bubbles" grants one the right to batter the name-caller. Tang will remain in Russia for one more week to complete tests pertaining to the mission, and then will return home to Cooper, where a parade is already planned.

Prior to departure, the scientific benefits of the mission were called into question. Upon completion, we can fairly say that Sasquatches are fit for space travel, but may become agitated after being cooped up for an extended period. We've also learned that in future intergalactic wars, it will be even more difficult to kill the giant insect enemies if their wounds do not ooze and bleed as much without an atmosphere.

We've also learned two far more valuable lessons; that child stars really are bad with their money, and that you really, really should not provoke a Sasquatch. Valuable lessons, indeed.