by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
February 27, 2010
Last night's town council meeting took an unexpected turn when the council's newest member, sasquatch Mabus asked for the floor to discuss the town's current ketchup ban. What followed was an eloquent oration unmatched in the history of Cooper.
The current law making the possession and distribution of Ketchup or Catsup illegal within the town limits of Cooper was proposed and passed on September 2 of last year. The law was presented by Councilman Washington Smoot, who threatened a filibuster to delay the passage of the town's budget for fiscal year 2010 unless his ban was enacted. It passed by a vote of 4 to 1, and lead to the suicide of Councilman Richard Aumundsen three weeks later.
Councilman Mabus began by making apologies for his lack of oratorical finesse, then went on to contradict his apology. Turning to face Councilman Smoot, Mabus said in his deep baritone voice with a hint of a British accent, "All respect to my esteemed colleagues, but I feel a grave injustice has been perpetrated on the good citizens of Cooper". What followed was reminiscent of the great orator of the plains William Jennings Bryan.
"I shall not slander the fair city of Cooper nor the state of Minnesota by saying that when citizens are confronted with the proposition, 'Is this town able to attend to its own business?'—I will not slander either one by saying that the people of this town will declare our helpless impotency as a community to attend to our own business. It is the issue of 1919 over again. Our ancestors, when but 3 hundred, had the courage to declare their independence of every other town upon this land. Shall we, their descendants, when we have grown to 7 thousand, declare that we are less independent than our forefathers? No, my friends, it will never be the judgment of this sasquatch. Therefore, we care not upon what lines the battle is fought. If they say ketchup is good but we cannot have it till some politician helps us, we reply that, instead of having a ketchup ban because Smoot has, we shall restore ketchup use, and then let Cooper have ketchup because the United States have."
After the applause of the stupefied audience died down Mabus continued, "If Smoot dares to come out in the open field and defend the ketchup ban as a good thing, we shall fight him to the uttermost, having behind us the consuming masses of the town and the county. Having behind us the french fry eating interests and the hot dog eating interests and all the sasquatch masses, we shall answer his demands for a ketchup ban by saying to him, you shall not press down upon the brow of Cooper this crown of prohibition. You shall not crucify mankind, or sasquatchkind upon a vine of tomatoes."
Councilman Tanner Clay leaped to his feet with these words and moved that the town council vote to repeal the nearly 6 month old ban on Ketchup. The motion was quickly seconded. When Mayor Winchester called for the ayes, he received a quartet of responses to match his own. The ban had been lifted.
The town wasted no time in partaking of the once prohibited condiment. By 11:00 pm, just three hours after the council meeting ended, the town's watering hole, The Big Foot Bar, was serving a side of ketchup with all orders for french fries and burgers... and even with their chicken wings!
The buzz at the bar, among all those ketchup slurping celebrants, was the impassioned speech given by Councilman Mabus. One wonders if this display of oratorical magic, without the use of telestrator or notes written on his hand, may soon catapult him to higher office. It wouldn't be the first time a single speech has had such an effect. Many believe it was the speech that Barack Obama gave at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 that led to his being elected president in 2008. After Mabus' inspiring speech last night, the sky's the limit.
Twins Winter Caravan Hits Cooper, Punto Sent to Hospital
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
February 12, 2010
Cooper was visited by several members of the Minnesota Twins yesterday, but the day didn't end as hoped. Cooper appeared for the first time as a stop on the Twins winter caravan, a tour of the state during the off-season by the Twins. And it appears unlikely that the team will be back any time soon.
The gymnasium at Cooper High School was full of excitement as the Twins arrived, players Nick Punto, Denard Span, Pat Neshak, and minor-leaguer Toby Gardenhire, as well as his father, manager Ron Gardenhire. Coach Gardy and 3rd baseman Nick Punto opened the day with statements to the crowd, before breaking up and running drills with the young ballplayers in the crowd.
Punto was running sliding drills, teaching the kids how to slide into a base and avoid getting tagged. All was well until one of the sasquatch youths in attendance did his best Ty Cobb impression. While sliding into the base where Punto was waiting to put down the tag, the sasquatch raised his right foot and planted it into Punto's jaw, separating the ball from the fielder and the fielder's mandible from his cranium. Punto also suffered a concussion when his head bounced off the gymnasium floor.
First aid workers were on scene within minutes, as was manager Ron Gardenhire. Punto was immobilized and taken via ambulance to the Duluth Emergency Medical Center 90 miles away for x-rays and a CT scan. He is in stable condition and hopes to be in Ft. Myers for the start of spring training.
The Winter Caravan event was cancelled after the Punto incident, the players were hustled onto the bus and sped out of town. Manager Ron Gardenhire stayed behind and addressed the crowd. "I'm starting to think you sasquatches are White Sox fans," he said. "Sorry to cut the day short but I can't afford to lose anyone for the season. Our bench is already pretty thin. It's a good thing we didn't bring Mauersie or Morneausie or Cuddy, we really couldn't afford to lose one of them. But Nicky... well we'll get over that one."
Punto joined the club in 2004 after three seasons with the Philadelphia Phillies. He has never been one to compile impressive statistics, but his hustle and heady play has irked opponents for years. It was Punto who so annoyed Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen that he nicknamed Punto and teammates the Piranhas, due the way the team seemed to nibble away at its opponents. Punto has been considered a utility infielder for much of his career, being able to play all four infield positions, but has spent significant stretches as a starter over the last few seasons, filling in the holes brought about from poor play or injury to teammates.
Nick Punto nearly continued the recent trend of the Team losing a valued member just before the start of the season, including Kirby Puckett's tragic death in 2006 and the passing of owner Carl Pohlad in 2009. It would also continue the Twins' string of bad luck at 3rd base. Since the departure of Corey Koskie after the 2004 season the team has not had an effective every day third baseman. Punto was penciled into the spot for the 2010 season by default.
Gardenhire was also seen talking to the young sasquatch who injured Punto. One can only hope that Gardy was offering him a spot on the club. The team could use that kind of toughness. The Twins will open the season on Monday, April 5 at Anaheim.
Staff Writer
February 12, 2010
Cooper was visited by several members of the Minnesota Twins yesterday, but the day didn't end as hoped. Cooper appeared for the first time as a stop on the Twins winter caravan, a tour of the state during the off-season by the Twins. And it appears unlikely that the team will be back any time soon.
The gymnasium at Cooper High School was full of excitement as the Twins arrived, players Nick Punto, Denard Span, Pat Neshak, and minor-leaguer Toby Gardenhire, as well as his father, manager Ron Gardenhire. Coach Gardy and 3rd baseman Nick Punto opened the day with statements to the crowd, before breaking up and running drills with the young ballplayers in the crowd.
Punto was running sliding drills, teaching the kids how to slide into a base and avoid getting tagged. All was well until one of the sasquatch youths in attendance did his best Ty Cobb impression. While sliding into the base where Punto was waiting to put down the tag, the sasquatch raised his right foot and planted it into Punto's jaw, separating the ball from the fielder and the fielder's mandible from his cranium. Punto also suffered a concussion when his head bounced off the gymnasium floor.
First aid workers were on scene within minutes, as was manager Ron Gardenhire. Punto was immobilized and taken via ambulance to the Duluth Emergency Medical Center 90 miles away for x-rays and a CT scan. He is in stable condition and hopes to be in Ft. Myers for the start of spring training.
The Winter Caravan event was cancelled after the Punto incident, the players were hustled onto the bus and sped out of town. Manager Ron Gardenhire stayed behind and addressed the crowd. "I'm starting to think you sasquatches are White Sox fans," he said. "Sorry to cut the day short but I can't afford to lose anyone for the season. Our bench is already pretty thin. It's a good thing we didn't bring Mauersie or Morneausie or Cuddy, we really couldn't afford to lose one of them. But Nicky... well we'll get over that one."
Punto joined the club in 2004 after three seasons with the Philadelphia Phillies. He has never been one to compile impressive statistics, but his hustle and heady play has irked opponents for years. It was Punto who so annoyed Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen that he nicknamed Punto and teammates the Piranhas, due the way the team seemed to nibble away at its opponents. Punto has been considered a utility infielder for much of his career, being able to play all four infield positions, but has spent significant stretches as a starter over the last few seasons, filling in the holes brought about from poor play or injury to teammates.
Nick Punto nearly continued the recent trend of the Team losing a valued member just before the start of the season, including Kirby Puckett's tragic death in 2006 and the passing of owner Carl Pohlad in 2009. It would also continue the Twins' string of bad luck at 3rd base. Since the departure of Corey Koskie after the 2004 season the team has not had an effective every day third baseman. Punto was penciled into the spot for the 2010 season by default.
Gardenhire was also seen talking to the young sasquatch who injured Punto. One can only hope that Gardy was offering him a spot on the club. The team could use that kind of toughness. The Twins will open the season on Monday, April 5 at Anaheim.
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