Helpful Advice for Grocery Store Survival

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

November 21, 2011


Question: What do Grocery stores and Catholic Churches have in common? Answer: A large segment of the population only visits them twice a year. With so many grocery store rookies heading out to do their pre-Thanksgiving shopping , we at the Cooper County Times would like to offer them some advice to help them navigate the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is the Grocery Store at Thanksgiving. Here’s our Grocery Store etiquette for the holiday season.

First and foremost, leave the ipod in the car and the cell phone in your pocket/purse. Although it has yet to be proven scientifically, the use of such devices somehow decreases the peripheral vision of their user. Going into a busy grocery store with diminished peripheral vision is like climbing a mountain with your shoelaces tied together. Not even those annoying electric carts can overcome that handicap. Unless your plane of existence is, in fact, the Matrix, you’ll need a full range of vision (and an advanced degree in Chaos Theory) to maneuver the constantly shifting maze of carts, old ladies and disgruntled employees dragging around pallets of condensed soup. What’s more, people who talk on their cell phones while shopping are universally considered a**holes. The Germans even have a word for them, talkenschitzenholenvolken, a name which was originally used only in its singular form as an insult of Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck.

Don’t sing along with the Musak. Unless your name is Taylor Swift or Bruce Hornsby, nobody wants to hear you sing while shopping. And if you really think you have a voice to compete with Mr. Hornsby or Ms. Swift, remember that neither of those people has been inside a grocery store in their lives. When you can sing like that, adoring fans show up at your door with baskets of the freshest produce and most succulent cuts of meat you can ever imagine. So unless people frequently leave food at your doorstep, you can’t sing… and if they do then why are at the store to begin with? It’s a real catch-22.

When maneuvering your shopping cart, keeping right is not always the correct option. Steering your grocery cart through crowded aisles is not the same as driving in traffic, no matter how much you think it should be. Too often customers feel the need to keep their cart on the right side of the aisle, which is fine unless they’re looking for something on the left side. In that instance, more often than not, the customer will stand to the side of their cart, thus blocking the entire aisle and incurring the wrath of the crotchety old lady who can’t find the prunes. A better policy would be for the customer to keep themselves and their cart on the side of the aisle where they are looking.

Stay with your cart. Don’t be the guy who parks his cart at the end of the aisle, walks down the aisle to pick up a jar of applesauce and a can of Manwich, then walks back, drops them in his cart and repeats the same maneuver down each and every aisle. Bring your cart with you, following a simple serpentine pattern up and down each aisle you need to traverse. You’ll save steps in the long run, and your predictable pattern will allow the annoyed stock clerk pushing the cart loaded with toilet paper to anticipate your moves and stay out of your way. What’s more, if you leave your cart unattended, employees will drop embarrassing items into your basket. Many a customer has gone home with a cucumber and tube of KY jelly that they never intended to buy.

When you can’t find an item and an employee tells you where it can be found, don’t insist that the store moved it recently. The reality is that you’re just dumb. The French’s fried onions have been in the same spot in every grocery store for the last 50 years, yet every Thanksgiving holiday, every customer has to ask where it is and then complain about it having been moved since last Thanksgiving. The store wants you to be able to find the stuff as much as you want to be able to find it… anything to shut you up and get you out the door. Oh, and by the way, the fried onions are in the canned vegetable section, dummy.

Guys, don’t bother flirting with that cute cashier… you know the one, long blonde hair, always suggestively chewing gum, the one who really knows how to wear that apron. She may act all giggly and nice to you, but she really thinks you’re creepy and smell like her dad. And be aware, everything you say to her will be repeated, in a rasping, panting voice, to all her co-workers. Often, your image will be taken from the security camera and posted in the break room as a possible sexual predator. So just keep it professional, men.

Gals, be aware that during any conversation with a butcher, the only thing going through the butcher’s mind is ‘look at that rack!’ Yes, every butcher is a dirty old man, regardless of their age. So while it is acceptable to ask the butcher where you might find the summer sausage, it is not recommended that you then ask him how he compares to it. The stimulation, combined with his beef-filled arteries, may cause him to drop dead of a heart attack. And then who will you complain to about how fatty the bacon looks?

Don’t argue about prices. Why is it that we are willing to pay $20,000 for a car and $200,000 for a house, but will get indignant over a four cent price discrepancy on a box of instant rice? Yes, mistakes are made, but to assume you’ve uncovered some grand conspiracy whereby the grocers of America are literally nickel and diming the country to death is just plain ridiculous. The time spent arguing is costing the store more in labor costs, which will be passed on to the customer anyway. So just smile, swipe your card and think about that box of Little Debbies that you’re going to tear into as soon as you get home.

When checking out, do not even think about writing a check. What is this, 1975? Are you 110 years old? Nobody writes checks at stores anymore, unless they actually are 110. Be assured if you are writing a check, the cashier and everyone in line behind you are silently putting a curse on you and your offspring. And believe me, that sh*t WORKS! So unless you want to wake up with cankers on intimate parts of your anatomy, pull out the plastic and keep the line moving.

Finally, after loading your groceries into your car, do not walk your empty cart over to the cart pusher, or ‘parking lot attendant’ if you will. You may think you’re doing him a favor by bringing it to him, but in actuality you’re forcing him into giving a polite nod or some sort of acknowledgement, which in most cases is the most difficult task one could ask of the sort of socially inept teenager you’d expect to find working as a ‘parking lot attendant’. Simply keep your eyes on the pavement and walk your empty cart to the nearest cart corral, or just leave it in the handicap space.

If you follow these simple rules this holiday season you’ll find your grocery shopping experience will seem less a chore and more an adventure. Above all, just keep in mind how wonderful it is to be able to purchase milk without squeezing a teat, flour without having to grind it between two stones, and eggs without having to pluck them from a chicken’s vagina (is that anatomically correct?) Happy Holidays from the Cooper County Times!

Town Council Rejects Bizarre Measure by Vote of IV to I

By Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

March 11, 2011


The city council meeting last night took an unexpected turn when Councilman Washington Smoot took the floor and presented a bill to the council that would make the use of Arabic numerals illegal in the town of Cooper.

In what may go down as the most foolish proposition since the U.S. Capitol removed French fries from the cafeteria menu and replaced them with Freedom Fries, Councilman Smoot proclaimed that he could not sit idly by while our school children were being indoctrinated with the “Muslim Dogma” that is the Arabic numeral system. Arabic numerals being the name of the standard 0-9 number system used by the entire world.

“I would no sooner have my child swearing an oath on the Koran or pledging allegiance to the Crescent than being forced to learn this “Arab” way of doing math. I propose we remove this radical scourge from our schools and go back to teaching math with Roman Numerals,” said councilman Smoot.

As you may recall, Councilman Smoot is no stranger to proposing controversial bills. It was Smoot who proposed the short-lived Ketchup Ban that gripped the town of Cooper for six months, from September 2009 thru February 2010.

Prior to the council holding a vote on what went into the record as Cooper Town Council Measure LXVII, Councilman Mabus the Sasquatch took the floor in defense of the Arabic numeral system. “I fear that Councilman Smoot fails to grasp the enormity of what his bill would mean to the town of Cooper and its citizens,” Mabus said. “I can only assume that my address would change to VIX VII Street. My Zip Code would miraculously become VVIVIIIV! The merchants of Cooper would be in a terrible bind. When purchasing a shirt, would it be size XL, or would I be paying $40 for it? At the hospital might the nurse confuse the notation on my chart and give me four IV bottles rather than just one? How could I be sure I was purchasing MC Hammer’s greatest hits and not just eleven-hundred hammers? Good God… what would a Sudoku Puzzle look like?

"In spite of all the potential confusion and enormous cost, both financial and public humiliation on a global scale, not to mention the crippling effects this would have on our schoolchildren when they move on to the outside world… in spite of all of that, I am willing to throw my support behind this bill if Councilman Smoot can solve this one math problem using his Roman numerals.”

Councilman Mabus then took a piece of paper and pencil and wrote down a math problem. Mabus then handed the paper to Councilman Smoot. “Now don’t forget to show your work, sir”, said Mabus. After a few minutes of head scratching and pencil scratching, Mr. Smoot admitted defeat. Mabus then called for a vote of measure LXVII, which was quickly struck down by a 4 to 1 vote.

After the Council meeting this reporter was unable to get a quote from Councilman Smoot. When Councilman Mabus was asked to reveal the math problem he gave to Smoot, he revealed it was pure gibberish. “I simply threw a few M’s, C’s, L’s, I’s and even a J together with a multiplication symbol somewhere in the middle. He could have told me the answer was 42 and I would have had to take his word for it” said Mabus. A bold gambit pays off.