Where Does IPad Rank Among All-Time Inventions?

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

December 21, 2010

Another year has come to a close. That's right, 2010 is just about in the rear view mirror and its time to reflect on the year. So just what will 2010 be remembered for? Well, its the year of the IPad! The Apple IPad, what you'd get if a laptop computer mated with an IPhone, assuming the resulting offspring were unable to make phone calls. Its been all the rage among techno-geeks who can't believe how inconvenient their lives were back in "aught-nine" when they had to carry a laptop AND an IPhone.

Regardless, it is humanity's technological advancements that will track its evolution in the history books of tomorrow. So where does the Ipad rank among all time inventions? Sadly, nowhere near the top five. What are the top five? Glad you asked. Here for your enlightenment are the top five inventions in the history of humanity as determined by the editorial board of the Cooper County Times:

5. Rope: It’s hard to imagine a world without rope. Such a seemingly ubiquitous item has played such an important part in human history. Lacking a singular inventor, rope dates back to the Stone Age, a time when man lived in caves and wore animal skins, and co-existed with dinosaurs, if you believe Hannah and Barbara. It is man’s quest for adventure that separates it from the lower primates. And it is rope that has facilitated that quest for eons. How would Stone Age man have constructed a bridge over a broad river or deep canyon without rope? How would our medieval ancestors have rigged sails to a mast in order to sail over the horizon? How would ancient Egyptians have built the pyramids? No, not with the help of aliens… but with rope. Indeed, rope has given so much toward the development of humanity. Perhaps best of all, without this critical invention, the expression, “Eat Rope!” would make no sense.

4. Sarcasm: A form of spoken or written language employing irony often to insult another, sarcasm dates back much earlier than one might expect. The first known use of sarcasm was in ancient Babylon in 2312 B.C. A cuneiform tablet was discovered in southern Iraq, near Kish, on which was written a conversation between Nimrod and Sargon. The two were standing beside the Euphrates River, waiting in a crowd to bathe in the river on a hot summer day. Nimrod turned to Sargon and said, “Is it hot enough for you?” From this humble beginning, sarcasm was born. Amazingly, this very same conversation also led to the invention of the pun, when Sargon replied, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity.” And while Sargon’s unfortunate retort has plagued mankind ever since, Nimrod’s forward thinking statement has blessed humanity for millennia, from the lowliest angst-ridden teenager to the highest political satirist on cable television. Yeah, this really warrants a top five finish! No really, that wasn’t sarcastic… seriously; I’m trying to be sincere here. Oh, never mind.

3. China: In recent history, scholars have discovered just how advanced ancient China was compared to Europe. The Chinese invented the compass, the printing press, the harmonica, steroids, the seismometer, gunpowder, toilet paper, sesame chicken and ping (but ironically, not pong) while people in Europe were living in mud huts, cooking with dung, and eating mud and dung. So, rather than try to pick a single invention of the Chinese for this list, let us pay credit to the person who invented China. For without this land of giants there would be none of these giant inventions. So to whom do we credit with inventing China? Why, some white guy of course. Vasco de Gama? Nah, sounds too ethnic. Marco Polo? No, too swarthy. 20th Century biologist turned historian Joseph Needham? Let’s see… British, Cambridge educated, a member of the Royal Society! Yeah, he’s our guy.

2. God: As humans evolved into a more sedentary, agrarian existence, and population densities grew, a way of maintaining order was needed. Neighbors’ wives were being coveted, pig flesh was being handled improperly, goats were being sodomized. It was the Bronze Age equivalent of spring break. So village elders got together and concocted a story that would explain both man’s existence and purpose on earth, as well as maintain a sense of order by promising paradise in the afterlife or threatening damnation for misdeeds. They invented God, the all seeing, all knowing, invisible, unknowable force that controlled everyone’s lives. If you did right by him you’d receive forty virgins in heaven (feature not available in all locations). If you failed to follow the rules, and God would notice, you would face the risk of spending eternity in hell, a place known for its extreme heat , darkness, and sulphuric aroma (not unlike a port-a-potty at the state fair). The idea worked so well that it was quickly franchised and spread around the world. From the Inuit in the arctic north, to the Olmec and Inca in Central America, even across the sea to the Aborigines of Australia and Maori of New Zealand. Two things this “God” concept had in common across all franchises, the threat of punishment for bad behavior and the need for the poor to give all their money to the rich. The invention of God has proved so successful that the business model has been copied frequently over the centuries. European monarchies had a good run with the idea, but eventually their mortality did them in. Most recently the Republican Party has attempted to capture the “God” business model, and has had some success in taking money from the poor, but has yet to deliver on its promise of an Edenic afterlife.

1. The Forward Pass: The game of football did not always look as it does today. When it began over 100 years ago, the game, played on college campuses, consisted solely of offensive players running with the ball directly into a mass of humanity pushing against one another centered on the line of scrimmage. This form of the game was so violent and often deadly that in 1905 former Rough Rider and current President Theodore Roosevelt met with a board of College Presidents and re-wrote the rules of football. Roosevelt provided the offense with the opportunity to hurl the pigskin through the air across the line of scrimmage in hopes that another offensive player would catch the ball prior to its touching the ground, whereby the offensive player would then be empowered to run with the ball toward the end zone until he either score a touchdown, step out of bounds or be tackled by a defender. However, if the pass were to fall incomplete, possession of the ball would be turned over to the defending team. The first pass attempt was made by Saint Louis University quarterback Bradbury Robinson on September 5, 1906. Robinson’s first attempt to receiver Jack Schneider fell incomplete, turning the ball over to opponent Carroll College. On Saint Louis’s next possession, Robinson hit Schneider for a 20 yard touchdown, and the world hasn’t been the same since. 104 years later, the forward pass has propelled the sport of football and the National Football League into a multi-billion dollar business. The Super Bowl has become the largest single sporting event in the world, bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars to the NFL. The NCAA makes hundreds of millions of dollars exploiting their student athletes’ abilities to throw and catch that same forward pass that was invented over 100 years ago. And most every American male devotes a portion of every Sunday from September through January worshipping at the altar of football. In fact, the forward pass has proven to be even more effective than God at convincing the poor to give their money to the rich. Yes, whether it be buying a certain brand of beer, wearing a certain colored shirt, or appropriating tax dollars to the building of stadiums rather than schools, the forward pass truly has shaped our modern society more than we can imagine.

So there they are, the top five inventions in the history of humanity. Disagree? What, you think the wheel or fire should be on the list? Well if you're so damn smart make your own list. Until then, Eat Rope, Ugly!