Town Council Rejects Bizarre Measure by Vote of IV to I

By Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

March 11, 2011


The city council meeting last night took an unexpected turn when Councilman Washington Smoot took the floor and presented a bill to the council that would make the use of Arabic numerals illegal in the town of Cooper.

In what may go down as the most foolish proposition since the U.S. Capitol removed French fries from the cafeteria menu and replaced them with Freedom Fries, Councilman Smoot proclaimed that he could not sit idly by while our school children were being indoctrinated with the “Muslim Dogma” that is the Arabic numeral system. Arabic numerals being the name of the standard 0-9 number system used by the entire world.

“I would no sooner have my child swearing an oath on the Koran or pledging allegiance to the Crescent than being forced to learn this “Arab” way of doing math. I propose we remove this radical scourge from our schools and go back to teaching math with Roman Numerals,” said councilman Smoot.

As you may recall, Councilman Smoot is no stranger to proposing controversial bills. It was Smoot who proposed the short-lived Ketchup Ban that gripped the town of Cooper for six months, from September 2009 thru February 2010.

Prior to the council holding a vote on what went into the record as Cooper Town Council Measure LXVII, Councilman Mabus the Sasquatch took the floor in defense of the Arabic numeral system. “I fear that Councilman Smoot fails to grasp the enormity of what his bill would mean to the town of Cooper and its citizens,” Mabus said. “I can only assume that my address would change to VIX VII Street. My Zip Code would miraculously become VVIVIIIV! The merchants of Cooper would be in a terrible bind. When purchasing a shirt, would it be size XL, or would I be paying $40 for it? At the hospital might the nurse confuse the notation on my chart and give me four IV bottles rather than just one? How could I be sure I was purchasing MC Hammer’s greatest hits and not just eleven-hundred hammers? Good God… what would a Sudoku Puzzle look like?

"In spite of all the potential confusion and enormous cost, both financial and public humiliation on a global scale, not to mention the crippling effects this would have on our schoolchildren when they move on to the outside world… in spite of all of that, I am willing to throw my support behind this bill if Councilman Smoot can solve this one math problem using his Roman numerals.”

Councilman Mabus then took a piece of paper and pencil and wrote down a math problem. Mabus then handed the paper to Councilman Smoot. “Now don’t forget to show your work, sir”, said Mabus. After a few minutes of head scratching and pencil scratching, Mr. Smoot admitted defeat. Mabus then called for a vote of measure LXVII, which was quickly struck down by a 4 to 1 vote.

After the Council meeting this reporter was unable to get a quote from Councilman Smoot. When Councilman Mabus was asked to reveal the math problem he gave to Smoot, he revealed it was pure gibberish. “I simply threw a few M’s, C’s, L’s, I’s and even a J together with a multiplication symbol somewhere in the middle. He could have told me the answer was 42 and I would have had to take his word for it” said Mabus. A bold gambit pays off.