Mabus Makes Plea To End Ketchup Ban

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer


February 27, 2010


Last night's town council meeting took an unexpected turn when the council's newest member, sasquatch Mabus asked for the floor to discuss the town's current ketchup ban. What followed was an eloquent oration unmatched in the history of Cooper.


The current law making the possession and distribution of Ketchup or Catsup illegal within the town limits of Cooper was proposed and passed on September 2 of last year. The law was presented by Councilman Washington Smoot, who threatened a filibuster to delay the passage of the town's budget for fiscal year 2010 unless his ban was enacted. It passed by a vote of 4 to 1, and lead to the suicide of Councilman Richard Aumundsen three weeks later.


Councilman Mabus began by making apologies for his lack of oratorical finesse, then went on to contradict his apology. Turning to face Councilman Smoot, Mabus said in his deep baritone voice with a hint of a British accent, "All respect to my esteemed colleagues, but I feel a grave injustice has been perpetrated on the good citizens of Cooper". What followed was reminiscent of the great orator of the plains William Jennings Bryan.


"I shall not slander the fair city of Cooper nor the state of Minnesota by saying that when citizens are confronted with the proposition, 'Is this town able to attend to its own business?'—I will not slander either one by saying that the people of this town will declare our helpless impotency as a community to attend to our own business. It is the issue of 1919 over again. Our ancestors, when but 3 hundred, had the courage to declare their independence of every other town upon this land. Shall we, their descendants, when we have grown to 7 thousand, declare that we are less independent than our forefathers? No, my friends, it will never be the judgment of this sasquatch. Therefore, we care not upon what lines the battle is fought. If they say ketchup is good but we cannot have it till some politician helps us, we reply that, instead of having a ketchup ban because Smoot has, we shall restore ketchup use, and then let Cooper have ketchup because the United States have."



After the applause of the stupefied audience died down Mabus continued, "If Smoot dares to come out in the open field and defend the ketchup ban as a good thing, we shall fight him to the uttermost, having behind us the consuming masses of the town and the county. Having behind us the french fry eating interests and the hot dog eating interests and all the sasquatch masses, we shall answer his demands for a ketchup ban by saying to him, you shall not press down upon the brow of Cooper this crown of prohibition. You shall not crucify mankind, or sasquatchkind upon a vine of tomatoes."



Councilman Tanner Clay leaped to his feet with these words and moved that the town council vote to repeal the nearly 6 month old ban on Ketchup. The motion was quickly seconded. When Mayor Winchester called for the ayes, he received a quartet of responses to match his own. The ban had been lifted.




The town wasted no time in partaking of the once prohibited condiment. By 11:00 pm, just three hours after the council meeting ended, the town's watering hole, The Big Foot Bar, was serving a side of ketchup with all orders for french fries and burgers... and even with their chicken wings!




The buzz at the bar, among all those ketchup slurping celebrants, was the impassioned speech given by Councilman Mabus. One wonders if this display of oratorical magic, without the use of telestrator or notes written on his hand, may soon catapult him to higher office. It wouldn't be the first time a single speech has had such an effect. Many believe it was the speech that Barack Obama gave at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 that led to his being elected president in 2008. After Mabus' inspiring speech last night, the sky's the limit.