Mabus Is A Hero, Stops Oil Flow

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 28, 2010

In a rare instance of a politician keeping his promise and demonstrating competence, Mabus the Sasquatch, member of the Cooper Town Council and President Obama's pick to head up the Gulf oil spill mission, has miraculously capped the gushing oil well which has spewed crude into the Gulf of Mexico for over two months.

"The engineering solution was quite simple", Mabus said in his press conference yesterday from New Orleans. "Any child who has played in the yard on a hot summer day knows that the best way to stop the flow of water from a garden hose is not to screw on a cap... its to kink the hose." Mabus' analogy inspired the engineers to devise a scheme whereby a pneumatic clamp would be placed around the pipe coming into the failed blowout preventor from the ground below. The clamp was tightened, reducing the flow of oil to a mere trickle. Once that was done, a special concrete mixture was poured over the top of the well along with many barges full of rock and gravel, encasing the pipeline, blowout preventor, and pneumatic clamp in a permanent block. Within 24 hours of the initial clamping, the well was deemed secure.

As the drilling of relief wells continues, the mission now shifts to the clean-up job along the Gulf coast. Last week, Mabus authorized the purchase of several centrifuge separator units designed and built by Hollywood actor Kevin Costner. "How could I say no to Kevin Costner?" Mabus said. "I just loved him in 'Fandango'. What's more, his apparatus actually works, unlike the storyline from 'Waterworld'." The centrifuges will be disseminated around the gulf, wherever oil plumes are seen threatening beaches and wetlands.

Mabus will remain on the job through the end of July, overseeing the clean-up effort. But he will keep his promise and be back in Cooper on July 4th to serve as Grand Marshall of the Cooper 4th of July Parade. Organizers are already preparing for an onslaught of national media as well as a larger than normal crowd of spectators for the Hero's return.

The national media have already elevated Mabus to hero status, comparing his meteoric political rise to that of former President Herbert Hoover, who was elected in 1928 due largely to his heroic efforts dealing with the great Mississippi flood of 1927. While the White House may not be in the cards for Councilman Mabus, his success in the Gulf will almost certainly elevate him into the Minnesota Governor's Mansion.

The Cooper July 4th Parade will begin at 11 am on Sunday. The course runs down Main street, beginning at the High School and ending at Zimmerman's Hardware, where all Charcoal grills are now half price. May all of Cooper turn out to give our native son the hero's welcome he deserves.