Supreme Court Upholds Congressional Restraining Order Against America

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

April 5, 2010

The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the restraining order filed by the Congress of the United States of America against in essence the American public is legal and will go into effect immediately.

The case, U.S. Congress v. Joe Wurzelbacher, filed just two weeks ago quickly shot to the top of the SCOTUS docket. Both houses of Congress voted in favor (along party lines) of filing a restraining order against the American public to eliminate harassing telephone calls and e-mails to their offices, mostly concerning the pending health care vote. Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher was chosen as the defendant based on his symbolic position as the average American citizen who was unhappy with the work of his congressional representation.

The attorney for the U.S. Congress, Senator Arlyn Spector of Pennsylvania, who recently switched from the Republican party to the Democratic party, argued before the bench that the U.S. Constitution clearly limits the role of the populace in government to voting once every two years. Any involvement beyond that was not to be considered an inalienable right, and that once the people cross the line and begin harassing their representatives, the restraining order is justified.

The attorneys representing Joe "the Plumber" were provided pro bono by the Fox News Network, whose on air personalities are largely responsible for the harassment taking place. The attorneys found themselves in the interesting position of having to argue that the U.S. Constitution is a living document and that the words of the founding fathers must be flexible in order for the document to remain relevant in modern times (except the second amendment, of course).

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Congress by a 6 to 3 vote, with Justices Sotomayor, Ginsburg and Breyer (the three justices nominated by Democratic Presidents, ironic?) siding with the American people.

In the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, "The U.S. Constitution clearly lays out a plan to limit the role of the American people to the right to vote. Even that right was severely limited by Article 1 Section 3 which established the election of Senators by state legislatures, (the 17th amendment adopted in 1913 led to the direct election of senators by the people), and Article 2 Section 2 which established the electoral college to elect the President and Vice-President."

Chief Justice Roberts also pointed out that the Constitution severely limited the right to vote to land owning white males, (since changed by the 15th and 19th amendments), proof that the founding fathers wanted as little power with the people as possible. Roberts did point out that the restraining order was set to expire on the first of October, 2010, just over one month before the next election.

In a rare move, Justice Samuel Alito also issued his own majority opinion. Alito, well known as the clown of the court, wrote, "It is a little known fact that Constitutional author, 4th President of the United States, and snack cake lover James Madison had a tattoo on his shoulder that read, "plebis es censeo", which roughly translates to "The Masses Are Asses". It would seem that after over 220 years, the Congress of the United States has learned this also."

In the minority opinion, or dissenting opinion, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote "It is a dark day indeed for the democracy when the people are no longer allowed to directly communicate with their representatives. One would hold out hope that our representatives know enough about their constituencies that they will still be able to function in their best interests, but 200 years of history has shown us otherwise. This decision confirms that the fundamental flaw of a representative democracy is the eventual creation of a ruling class which holds its interests above those of its constituencies."

Today the halls of the Capitol Building have fallen silent. Nary a telephone ring cries out where just a few days ago they filled passageways. Offices have already begun sending aides back home, their services no longer needed to process all the calls and e-mails. Today Senators and Representatives walk the corridors with their heads held a little higher, with a new found sense of competence and purpose, with a sense that finally some proper debating can take place and some effective legislating can be accomplished.

One unforeseen outcome of the ruling is that the Sasquatch suffrage movement seems to have the blessing of the Supreme Court. Chief Justice Roberts also wrote that the extending of voting rights to those groups, minority or otherwise, who were not granted the right to vote in the Constitution did not fundamentally alter the role of the people in government, which the Constitution clearly lays out. It would seem that the Sasquatch population of Cooper County, which was allowed to vote in the last election, will retain that right despite recent legal challenges in State Court.

Perhaps this ruling will serve as a wake up call to those Americans who think it is their patriotic duty to threaten, harass and insult their Congressional representatives. The fact is that we do live in a representative democracy. We are entrusted with the responsibility to vote for representatives who share our values and vision for the Nation. Beyond that we must trust that our representatives will use their consciences and better judgement to do what is best for America. The simple fact is that if every Congressman and woman voted solely in favor of what was best for their district or state, absolutely nothing would ever be accomplished. And if you don't like what's being done, you have every right to take action... on the first Tuesday of November in every even numbered year.