Mabus is Tea Party Nominee for Governor

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer


April 16, 2010


Councilman Mabus shocked the citizens of Cooper, and the nation as a whole yesterday when he announced he will be running for governor of Minnesota as the Tea Party's candidate. The announcement was made during a Tea Party tax day protest at the state capital in St. Paul.


The Tea Party rally attracted nearly six hundred protesters, a somewhat disappointing turnout unless you ask the rally's organizers; Fox News personality Sean Hannity and Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann. "Looking over this sea of great Americans makes me proud to be a Tea Bagger!" said Bachmann. "Its about time all of us patriots stand up and say we're tired of paying taxes."

Councilman Mabus took to the microphone after Representative Bachmann's nonsensical rantings. "My fellow Minnesotans, the time has come to throw down the shackles of tyranny which those two political parties have forced us to wear for so many generations. Gandhi once said that we must be the change we wish to see in others. It is in that spirit that I announce to you and the world today that I will be the Tea Party candidate in the race for the Governor of Minnesota."

After the confused applause tapered off, Mabus continued, "I know it will not be an easy fight, for any third party candidate faces a nearly insurmountable uphill climb. But I've climbed many a hill in my life, and countless trees also... that's the best way to catch squirrels, after all. But I digress. I just know, looking out upon this sea of shining patriots, that we have right on our side and the silent majority will not be silenced come election day this November."

After Mabus' stirring speech the band struck up an energetic rendition of "Win in the End" by Mark Safan, the song which appeared on the soundtrack for the 1985 motion picture 'Teen Wolf'. Seems like an obvious choice to this reporter.

Mabus faces a crowded field in the race for Governor, to replace two term Governor Tim Pawlenty. While Governor Pawlenty sets his sights on the Republican nomination for President, several relatively unknown politicians from both parties have thrown their hats into the ring. Possibly the best known of the group is former Senator Mark Dayton, who kicked off his campaign by admitting his battles with depression; an odd strategy for a man who so closely resembles Droopy Dog.

Mabus may have a few advantages in the coming election. His name recognition is quite high, being a sasquatch and all. His lack of political experience means there isn't much of a record his opponents can attack, (of course that didn't help Sara Palin). His oratorical skills are quite remarkable considering his complete lack of a formal education. And don't underestimate the state's penchant for leaning toward third party candidates. Minnesota did elect Jesse Ventura, of the Independence Party, Governor just twelve years ago.

Perhaps the biggest concern for the legitimacy of Mabus' campaign is the fact that the Tea Party as an actual political party does not exist. There is no real structure or leadership or organization that has any authority to nominate a candidate, and there are no Tea Party primaries to speak of. It would seem that Representative Bachmann and those "journalists" at Fox News chose to nominate Mabus on their own. One is left to wonder how a grass roots movement can be so controlled from the top down?

Nevertheless the presence of Mabus the Sasquatch in the race for Governor should make for a very interesting political season. Election day is Tuesday November 2nd. See ya at the polls.