Science Proves Cleveland Is Not Heart of Rock & Roll

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

September 20.2009

Doctors at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland have announced that they have scientific proof that Cleveland, Ohio is, in fact, not the heart of rock & roll. The results of a two year study are set to be published concurrently in the October issues of the Journal of American Medicine and Rolling Stone Magazine.

The doctors involved in the study, specialists in the new field of musical anatomy, were motivated by an article in the April 2007 issue of National Geographic Magazine which traced the birth of hip-hop music to June 27, 1973 in apartment 2B at 1595 East 174th Street in the Bronx. "If they could show that hip-hop was born in the living room of teenager Afrika Bambaataa, then surely we could prove that the heart of rock & roll was indeed in Cleveland," said study spokesman Dr. Walter Sklaar. "The city has cashed in on the rumor for so long, we were just hoping to give the tourism board something to hang their hat on."

What they found was far from their initial theory. "Although we cannot be one-hundred percent certain, we believe that Cleveland is, at best, the gall bladder of rock & roll," said Dr. Sklaar. "It is our belief that the actual heart is found somewhere in Tennessee, the brain is in Ft. Worth, Texas, and New York City is the sphincter of rock & roll."

The news was particularly shocking for Cleveland Mayor, Wilson Goode. "This rock & roll thing gave our community pride", he said. "What else have we got?" Indeed, Cleveland has had a rocky past over the last half century. "What's this city known for? Horrible sports teams, a river that's flammable, the Cleveland steamer! My god, its a wonder why anyone stays here. Did you know Cleveland was the destination for the Edmund Fitzgerald? Yeah, that boat from the song. It chose the bottom of Lake Superior over this city. What does that tell you?" said Goode. Cleveland's rock & roll reputation was what landed them the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, the crown jewel in their attempted renaissance of the 1990's. Now with the recent announcement, the future of the Hall of Fame and Muesum is in doubt.

Cleveland native turned failed comedian, turned game show host, Drew Carey, was not overly surprised at the news. "You saw the show... clearly we had no musical taste whatsoever," he said of his failed ABC sitcom from the 90's, "What, you didn't see my show?... The Drew Carey Show?... We were in syndication!... Oh, never mind! Just trust me, we had very little musical taste."

One person who agrees with the result of the Case Western Study is rocker and News front man Huey Lewis. "Are you kidding? You mean people actually believed that song? Well that's just ridiculous. The original draft of the song was written as "The heart of rock & roll is still beating... in Scranton". We changed it to Cleveland because our A & R man was from there. And even he took it as a joke!" said Lewis.

Cleveland's musical heritage seems to have taken a fatal blow, but one thing is known for sure. Nothing good has ever come from Cleveland. Eliot Ness, George Steinbrenner, the Cleveland Indians, and the afore mentioned Drew Carey and Cleveland Steamer, all thing to avoid. Perhaps now the last hurdle has been cleared to open the way to selling Cleveland to Canada... if even they'll take it.