Hole, Health Care & Hitler

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

August 6, 2009
The latest in a series of health care town hall meetings took place at Sasquatch Hole, north of Cooper in Cooper County, last night. And the meeting ended like so many others throughout the country.

Freshman Representative Lauren Anderson (D) of Minnesota's 8th district appeared at Sasquatch Hole to educate and inform the people and non-people of Cooper County about the democrats plans for health care reform. "I'm very excited to be having this meeting at Sasquatch Hole," Anderson began. "Just a year ago this community was still unknown to Minnesota and the world. And what great strides we've made in the last year! I hear the sasquatches now have cable television running to their wallows. And all this progress under the strong democratic leadership of President Obama and the Democratic led Congress!"

Anderson went on to give an outline of the administrations plans for health care reform, stressing that all citizens of the United States, human and non-human deserve free health care.

editors note: non-human is the generally accepted term to refer to the sasquatch population of Cooper County.

The town hall meeting became heated when the floor was opened for questions and comments. First, Mrs. Ida Hicks, 67, from Cooper, shared her great experience with Medicare and how having that has saved her life. This generated many jeers and boos from the more conservative factions of the audience. Next, a man, unidentified, took the microphone and decried the democratic plan as socialism and shouted that Rep. Anderson was just like Hitler, a reference to former German dictator Adolph Hitler, d. 1945, who was a failed artist that killed millions of Jews. The cheers from that comment lasted several minutes and prevented Rep. Anderson from responding.

When order was restored a second man, unidentified, took the microphone and proclaimed the tactics of the anti-reform members of the audience to be evil and dictatorial, "not unlike Adolph Hitler," he said. This comment threw the entire meeting into chaos, with the non-humans (sasquatches) sitting in the back staring at each other.

Suddenly all the sasquatches jumped up and began grunting something sounding like Hitler. They moved through the crowd, banging peoples heads together, and throwing their limp, unconscious bodies out of the meeting hall. When the last person was tossed out, some 60 in all, the sasquatches gathered at a television screen on the side of the stage, turned the channel to Fox News and continued their Hitler grunts. Thus ended the Cooper County health care town hall meeting.

This reporter learned two things last night. First, that to avoid getting your head banged by a sasquatch you need only go limp on the floor and close your eyes. They likely won't think you're dead, but they'll label you a coward and deem you not worth the effort to bonk your head. And second, that sasquatches are much more human-like than previously thought.