Pols Visit to Sasquatches Turns Messy

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

October 19, 2008
The visit to Sasquatch Hole, as their home territory has been dubbed by locals, by representatives of both local Republican and Democratic parties ended with a lot of mud throwing on Wednesday.

Two term representative Wilbur Fink (R) representing the state's 8th district was the first to make an appearance in Sasquatch Hole. He arrived at 9 am clad in hiking boots and a black suit, with several aides and reporters in tow. He met up with the sasquatches as they were returning from Rainy River where they no doubt were bathing that morning. He immediately launched into his standard campaign speech about small government and personal responsibility and individual liberty. When he began talking about his staunch support of the NRA the first ball of mud whizzed by his head.

The next few minutes were a whirr of muck being hurtled back and forth as the sasquatches tried to drive the interlopers from their home. Representative Fink continued with his speech for a few minutes while dodging the barrage, but finally gave up when a clump struck him directly in the mouth. He was heard by this reporter to mutter, "This ain't mud... they're throwing s***!"

After returning to the awaiting caravan parked on County Road 15 and wiping his face, Representative Fink said he thought the meeting was a great success and was confident that the sasquatches shared the ideals of the Republican Party.

That Afternoon it was the democrats turn to court the votes of their hairy new-found neighbors. Lauren Anderson (D) who is running for Representative Fink's seat in Washington arrived around 3 pm to Sasquatch Hole where the majority of the clan was gathered. She walked among the beasts introducing herself and offering her hand to them. The responses of the sasquatches was one of confusion. After mingling among them for a few minutes she too began her standard stump speech. Calm lasted for several minutes as the sasquatches seemed to listen politely. When Anderson began talking about her food stamp program three of the larger sasquatches got rather agitated and ran off into the bush with much noise. They returned a few minutes later clutching rabbits and birds in their hands. The ran up to Anderson, threw the animals down at her feet and began stomping on them.

Anderson and her aides began running away as the blood, fur and feathers were splattering all around and the other sasquatches became very excited. Thus ended the democrats visit.

Anderson also held an impromptu press conference back at the caravan on the county road. After wiping the rabbit blood off her pant suit, she told the assembled media that she was confident that the sasquatches would vote democrat in the upcoming election. "You all saw how excited they were about my food stamps program," she said. "I just know that with their help Cooper County and the 8th District will go democrat this year."

In this reporter's opinion Anderson has reason to be optimistic. At least she didn't go home with a mouth full of s***.