Ketchup Banned in Cooper

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

September 2, 2009
Citizens of Cooper will no longer be allowed to possess, manufacture or sell the tomato based condiment known as ketchup, or catsup, within the limits of Cooper, decreed the town council in a controversial decision reached last night.

The bill banning the condiment was presented by councilmember Washington Smoot, 58, of 1205 4th Ave. Smoot has been a member of the town council for seventeen years, but this is the first bill he as presented to the five member body.

The meeting of the town council last night was their last meeting scheduled for the year and their agenda included three main bills relating to the city's budget for the coming year. Councilman Smoot began the meeting by demanding the floor and ambushing the council with his bill.

"He threw a threat of a filibuster at us!" Said Mayor Douglas Winchester. "He said if we didn't pass his damn Ketchup ban then he'd hold up all the city's business for the next year. Well I've got plans for the Labor Day weekend and I'm not about to sit in that damn chair and wait him out, what with my bad back and all. So we let him have it." The council quickly voted 4 to 1 to pass the Smoot Ketchup ban and move on with the remaining agenda items. The one dissenting vote was from the youngest member of the council, Tanner Clay, who said, "If I were to vote for this ridiculous thing I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Everyone on this council should do the town a favor and go home and drink a bottle of drain cleaner!" Strong words indeed.

After Mayor Winchester closed the meeting, upon finalization of the city's budget for 2010, this reporter asked Council member Smoot what motivated his ban of Ketchup. "I've never liked that stuff," he said. "It really is an overrated condiment. Its no good on hot dogs or steaks, its too messy on hamburgers, and its just mediocre on french fries. And anybody who puts that stuff on eggs ought to be deported to North Dakota! I think we'll all come to find in time that we can live our lives just fine without Ketchup." Council member Smoot continued, "I know this bill will seem controversial and people will think I'm a fool. But just remember that this is democracy in action. Sometimes it takes a majority of one to do what's truly right for the public at large.

Town Sheriff Oscar Gland was already drawing up plans for the enforcement of Smoot's ketchup ban by the end of the meeting. "We'll begin by setting up roadblocks on the four major roads into and out of town, and search every automobile entering for contraband. Once the quarantine is established we will conduct a door to door search of every residence and business and confiscate all ketchup and equipment related to the manufacturing of ketchup. We hope to not have to go so far as to uproot all tomato plants found within the town, but if we're finding anyone participating in the bootlegging of ketchup, their gardens will be plowed under."

This author has two thoughts at this time. First, what really is the difference between ketchup and catsup? And second, that today I am so proud to be living in a representative democracy! God Bless America!