Sasquatches Get In On Election Hoopla

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

October 17, 2008
The startling discovery last week of a group of sasquatches living in an unsettled area of Cooper County 8 miles north of Cooper has brought the attention of local voter registration drives as well as both local republican and democratic parties.

Representatives of ACORN arrived yesterday to register the 31 sasquatches to vote in the coming election. When asked if a non-human could legally vote in Cooper County, an ACORN representative stated that the only requirements for voting in the state of Minnesota are the ability to prove you're 18 years old or above, and to prove that you are a full time resident of the state. The age of most of the sasquatches is clearly above 18 based on their height, and their residency was certified by ACORN when several of the sasquatches were seen "marking their territory".

This controversial decision was upheld by the state Attorney General. "The last thing I'm about to do is to disenfranchise a bloc of voters based on their appearance" said Attorney General Thomas Moon.

This decision by the Attorney General caused both local democratic and republican parties to put together plans to court the votes of the sasquatches. "We know so little of how they may vote", said county republican chair Melvin Forte. "Its a perfect opportunity to shape the issues around their needs and capture their vote." Democrats also plan a visit to the sasquatches home. "They must be democrats," said local volunteer and bird watcher Susan Finch, "The Democrats are the party of the environment and helping those less fortunate. We'll get those sasquatches enrolled in every public aid program we have."

Both parties plan to visit the sasquatches on Wednesday.