Hole Population Swells as Winter Sets In

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer


November 4, 2009


Who needs Florida? Cooper County seems to be the winter destination for hundreds of sasquatches living in the U.S. and Canada. Professor Humphrey Whicher, an anthropologist from the University of Minnesota has been following the goings on at sasquatch hole for several months, and has announced the the sasquatch population at the hole has increased five fold in the last month.


"It seems they're much like countless other animals," said Whicher, "when it gets cold they come south and when it gets warm they migrate north. Most likely they're following the food. In the spring they head north and live off different fruits that ripen at different times. And in the fall they travel back south following packs of various small animals. But it would seem that sasquatch hole is or has become the winter grounds for the sasquatch population."


And why not the hole? Since the discovery of the sasquatch population at the hole in the fall of 2007 many improvements have been made. The sasquatches have been given crude building supplies to construct their preferred shelters. And the state of the art community center was built for civic gatherings. The sasquatch population has progressed so far as to have a member on the town council. Mabus the sasquatch was elected last month in a landslide. And if the sasquatch population at the hole continues to grow it may be tough for anyone to unseat him in future elections.

Professor Whicher has written a journal article about the habitats and migration of the sasquatches which will be published next month in the Journal of American Anthropology. Over the year he spent living on the migration route sasquatch hole was by far the most developed and densely populated area. "It's quite clear that they're making a home here in Cooper, and they're here to stay," said Whicher. "And they're really showing signs of adapting to the lifestyle of their human neighbors. Why just the other day I saw a sasquatch wearing a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles sweatshirt. Its pretty amazing, they're really becoming quite civilized. There is a danger to this 'civilizing' of the sasquatches. Their means of survival for countless generations is rapidly coming to an end and being replaced by objects and ideas that are new and foreign to them. Surely this will not be a smooth path to assimilation."

In this reporter's opinion, if a sweatshirt from "Coach" is civilized, then I'm checking out.