Condiment Costs Candidate

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

October 5, 2009

In a stunning announcement yesterday, Democratic candidate Louise Parker has dropped out of contention for the open town council seat due to her arrest for possessing Ketchup within the town limits of Cooper.


Parker made the announcement Sunday night, just two days before the election, after she was arrested early Sunday afternoon at her home. The police received an anonymous phone call informing them that Parker was seen putting Ketchup on what appeared to be a meat loaf and sliding it into the oven. She was in custody before the loaf was done cooking.


The possession of Ketchup in the town limits of Cooper was made illegal in a recently enacted law. There have been three previous arrests made for the violation of the law, but those were for possession with intent to distribute the contraband. Parker's arrest is the first made of a person using the condiment in their own home.


Parker is facing up to 6 months in jail and a $5000 fine, but most likely will receive a much smaller fine and house arrest for a few weeks. Most likely her political career is over before it started. It is unknown if her husband and son also face charges since it is alleged that the meat loaf was for them.


"I'm very embarrassed," Parker said, "And I just don't want to put my family through all of this. I've made a mistake, and I've got to spend some time healing the wounds I've created. To stay in the race now would be irresponsible and unfair to the citizens of Cooper."


Parker's withdrawal from the race has opened the way for the republican candidate, Mabus the sasquatch. Polls taken last week left the race too close to call, but a poll taken late Sunday after Parker's announcement showed Mabus with 94 per cent of the vote. It looks very likely that on Tuesday Mabus will make history as the first non-human to win elected office in the United States.

Les Northington, Mabus' campaign advisor, said "Mabus is very excited about the recent turn of events. He's very eager to win the election and take his seat on the town council. He's spent the last week working very hard on his communication skills... that Rosetta Stone is amazing... and solidifying his platform. Mabus has many great ideas he cannot wait to present to the town council. I guarantee that Cooper will be the better for having Maubs in office."

Polls will open at 7 am tomorrow. Although Parker's name will remain on the ballot, any vote for her will count as no vote. Mabus is planning a celebration at Sasquatch hole. The celebration will be open to the public, and will begin at 7 pm. So anyone willing to go to the hole after sunset is welcome to attend.