The Times Ranks The Decades

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

January 27, 2010

It has recently come to the attention of the Cooper County Times that every media entity is required by the FCC to conduct an end of the... story of some sort. Whether it is the end of a year, decade or century, or even a millennium, every television station, magazine, radio show or newspaper is required to put together an end of the... story. So in order for the Cooper County Times to avoid losing its license and to avoid a nasty audit at the hands of the IRS, we have compiled a list of the best of the last four decades in various pop-culture categories in hopes of answering just what has been the best decade of our lifetimes. Enjoy.

America's Symbolic Enemy:
70's The Ayatollah, Jimmy Carter a close second.
80's Gorbachev and the USSR Olympic Hockey Team.
90's Saddam Hussein: Even appeared as antagonist in Hot Shots Part Deux
00's Liberals, according to Fox News, anyway.
Advantage 80's: Defeated the old fashioned way, with money.

Presidents:
70's Richard Nixon: Best use of expletives in the oval office since Millard Filmore.
80's Ronald Reagan: Most senile president since Norman Bartold played the president in "Capricorn One".
90's Bill Clinton: First president since Grover Cleveland to use his office as a pick-up line.
00's George W. Bush: Never did find out what happened to that pet goat.
Advantage 80's: Who'd have thought that a senile actor was just what the world needed at the time.

Vice Presidents:
70's Spiro Agnew-Indicted on Income Tax Evasion.
80's Dan Quayle- Couldn't spell potato.
90's Dan Quayle- Attacking the pregnancy of a fictional character.
00's Dick Cheney- Shot a man (his friend) in the face.
Advantage 00's: Most intimidating Veep since Burr.

Political Scandals:
70's Watergate
80's Iran-Contragate
90's Monica Lewinsky aka Hummergate
00's My-Pet-Goat Gate
Advantage 90's: Who doesn't like a good hummer story.

Loud-Mouthed Talk Show Host:
70's Tom Snyder
80's Morton Downy Jr.- not to be confused with Robert Downy Jr.
90's Jerry Springer: Showed us how much worse it could be.
00's Bill O'Reilly: Thanks for telling us what our values are.
Advantage 70's: Left with at least a little dignity.

Movie Franchise Ruined in a later decade
70's Jaws- There was one that starred Louis Gosseett Jr.?
80's Indiana Jones- Nazi's and Catholics were up in arms over Aliens.
90's American Pie- The Wedding one was bad enough, but the series of straight to dvd movies is too much.
00's Pirates of the Caribbean: You thought #3 was bad, wait until #4 comes out!
Advantage 70's: List could have included Star Wars & Godfather too.

Best Movie made in that decade based on a war from that decade:
70's Apocalypse Now- Is there anything Robert Duvall can't do?
80's Heartbreak Ridge- Wait'll the Swede gets out!
90's Three Kings- Marky Mark and Ice Cube made for a great soundtrack.
00's GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra- You thing Al Qaeda ever got ideas from the old cartoon?
Advantage 80's: Grenada repaired our national image after Vietnam?

Best Bill Murray Project
70's SNL
80's Ghostbusters
90's What About Bob? Just edges out Quick Change.
00's Rushmore- Much better than the acclaimed Lost in Translation.
Advantage 80's: Caddyshack and Stripes didn't make the list?

Fat black female TV/Movie Stars
70's Shirley Hemphill
80's Nell Carter
90's Della Reese
00's Martin Lawrence
Advantage 00's: "He so Crazy!"

Neil Diamond's Musical Status
70's Crooner
80's Rocker
90's Country Crooner
00's Non-existent
Advantage 70's: I'll take "Cracklin Rosie" over "America" any day.


Defining Musical Genre
70's Disco- Ironic since everyone knows that rock attained perfection in 1974.
80's Punk- really? So sad.
90's Grunge- Thank god for flannel.
00's Hip Hop- Two weeks into the 10's and I've already blocked out all music from the 00's.
Advantage 90's: Winner by default.

Tragic Musician Death:
70's Ronnie Van Zandt- I hope Neil Young will remember…
80's John Lennon: Why the CIA had to kill him I'll never understand.
90's Stevie Ray Vaughan- That’s how it happens living life by the drop.
00's Alliyah- I have no idea who this was, but VH1 tells me it was tragic.
Advantage 70's: Freebird proved to be perfect eulogy.

Status of the Monkees:
70's Recently broken up: We were still struggling with it.
80's Reunited sans Mike Nesmith, apparently all that liquid paper money made him too good for the group.
90's Mickey, Peter and Davy reunite on an episode of Boy Meets World. Anything to appear on television.
00's Still no sign of Mike, we're all a little incomplete because of his absence.
Advantage 80's: Those Kicks just keep getting harder to find.

Defining Musical Performer/Group:
70's Fleetwood Mac: A man with a woman's name and a woman with a man's name? Only in the 70's.
80's John Cougar Mellencamp: It's impossible to hear Pink Houses and not think 80's.
90's Nirvana: Um… Er… nevermind.
00's Eminem: Top selling artist of the decade. Shows color doesn't matter, as long as you're not gay or a woman.
Advantage 00's: How funny will it be to see Eminem headlining at Treasure Island in 20 years?

Most Hated Athlete:
70's Reggie Jackson: Proceeds from his candy bar went to pay for his fur coats.
80's Bill Laimbeer: White guy in the NBA kicking ass. There's something just not right about that.
90's Michael Irvin: Seen on camera buying cocaine while signing autographs for kids, and still got a job with ESPN.
00's Barry Bonds: Cranial growth was side effect of Viagra use with mistress, not from steroid use.
Advantage 80's: Basketball fights are the best. You ever see Manute Bol throwing a punch? Classic!

Sport Dynasty of the Decade
70's Philadelphia Flyers: The Broad Street Bullies, old school fighting!
80's San Francisco 49ers: Smartest kid in class, who doesn't hate that kid?
90's Chicago Bulls: Dynasty disrupted by Jordan's secret suspension for gambling when he went to play baseball.
00's Boston Red Sox: 90 years in the making, key piece given away by the Twins.
Advantage 80's: Niners so good they made the super bowl unwatchable for half a decade.

Best Movie based on a fictional/niche sport
70's Rollerball: James Caan fired his agent after this one.
80's No Holds Barred: Hulk Hogan and Zeus in a WWE major motion picture.
90's Best of the Best 2: Eric Roberts at his best, except for the original Best of the Best
00's Dodgeball: What's the deal with the pirate?
Advantage 00's: Comedy, violence and girls kissing in one movie? How did it not win best picture?

Most Regrettable Fashion Trend
70's Rainbow Suspenders: Enough said.
80's Members Only Jacket: Problem was that too many non-members were wearing them.
90's The Skort: Seriously ladies, that's just cheating.
00's The Sport Jersey look: If you're five-foot-six and weigh 250, you cannot wear a Carmello Anthony Jersey… you just can't!
Advantage 70's: As though we needed another reason to hate Robin Williams.

So there you have it. When broken down scientifically, the 1980's comes out on top. Who'd have thunk it? The decade that brought us Return of the Jedi, We are the World, the Boz, Just Say No, and Alf is the best decade of our lifetime. And not surprisingly, the 2000's, the decade that brought us the hanging chad, Elian Gonzales, Terry Schiavo, and My Pet Goat (and that's just what happened in Florida) finished last. Here's hoping the next decade will be a damn site better than the last.