Where Does IPad Rank Among All-Time Inventions?
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
December 21, 2010
Another year has come to a close. That's right, 2010 is just about in the rear view mirror and its time to reflect on the year. So just what will 2010 be remembered for? Well, its the year of the IPad! The Apple IPad, what you'd get if a laptop computer mated with an IPhone, assuming the resulting offspring were unable to make phone calls. Its been all the rage among techno-geeks who can't believe how inconvenient their lives were back in "aught-nine" when they had to carry a laptop AND an IPhone.
Regardless, it is humanity's technological advancements that will track its evolution in the history books of tomorrow. So where does the Ipad rank among all time inventions? Sadly, nowhere near the top five. What are the top five? Glad you asked. Here for your enlightenment are the top five inventions in the history of humanity as determined by the editorial board of the Cooper County Times:
5. Rope: It’s hard to imagine a world without rope. Such a seemingly ubiquitous item has played such an important part in human history. Lacking a singular inventor, rope dates back to the Stone Age, a time when man lived in caves and wore animal skins, and co-existed with dinosaurs, if you believe Hannah and Barbara. It is man’s quest for adventure that separates it from the lower primates. And it is rope that has facilitated that quest for eons. How would Stone Age man have constructed a bridge over a broad river or deep canyon without rope? How would our medieval ancestors have rigged sails to a mast in order to sail over the horizon? How would ancient Egyptians have built the pyramids? No, not with the help of aliens… but with rope. Indeed, rope has given so much toward the development of humanity. Perhaps best of all, without this critical invention, the expression, “Eat Rope!” would make no sense.
4. Sarcasm: A form of spoken or written language employing irony often to insult another, sarcasm dates back much earlier than one might expect. The first known use of sarcasm was in ancient Babylon in 2312 B.C. A cuneiform tablet was discovered in southern Iraq, near Kish, on which was written a conversation between Nimrod and Sargon. The two were standing beside the Euphrates River, waiting in a crowd to bathe in the river on a hot summer day. Nimrod turned to Sargon and said, “Is it hot enough for you?” From this humble beginning, sarcasm was born. Amazingly, this very same conversation also led to the invention of the pun, when Sargon replied, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity.” And while Sargon’s unfortunate retort has plagued mankind ever since, Nimrod’s forward thinking statement has blessed humanity for millennia, from the lowliest angst-ridden teenager to the highest political satirist on cable television. Yeah, this really warrants a top five finish! No really, that wasn’t sarcastic… seriously; I’m trying to be sincere here. Oh, never mind.
3. China: In recent history, scholars have discovered just how advanced ancient China was compared to Europe. The Chinese invented the compass, the printing press, the harmonica, steroids, the seismometer, gunpowder, toilet paper, sesame chicken and ping (but ironically, not pong) while people in Europe were living in mud huts, cooking with dung, and eating mud and dung. So, rather than try to pick a single invention of the Chinese for this list, let us pay credit to the person who invented China. For without this land of giants there would be none of these giant inventions. So to whom do we credit with inventing China? Why, some white guy of course. Vasco de Gama? Nah, sounds too ethnic. Marco Polo? No, too swarthy. 20th Century biologist turned historian Joseph Needham? Let’s see… British, Cambridge educated, a member of the Royal Society! Yeah, he’s our guy.
2. God: As humans evolved into a more sedentary, agrarian existence, and population densities grew, a way of maintaining order was needed. Neighbors’ wives were being coveted, pig flesh was being handled improperly, goats were being sodomized. It was the Bronze Age equivalent of spring break. So village elders got together and concocted a story that would explain both man’s existence and purpose on earth, as well as maintain a sense of order by promising paradise in the afterlife or threatening damnation for misdeeds. They invented God, the all seeing, all knowing, invisible, unknowable force that controlled everyone’s lives. If you did right by him you’d receive forty virgins in heaven (feature not available in all locations). If you failed to follow the rules, and God would notice, you would face the risk of spending eternity in hell, a place known for its extreme heat , darkness, and sulphuric aroma (not unlike a port-a-potty at the state fair). The idea worked so well that it was quickly franchised and spread around the world. From the Inuit in the arctic north, to the Olmec and Inca in Central America, even across the sea to the Aborigines of Australia and Maori of New Zealand. Two things this “God” concept had in common across all franchises, the threat of punishment for bad behavior and the need for the poor to give all their money to the rich. The invention of God has proved so successful that the business model has been copied frequently over the centuries. European monarchies had a good run with the idea, but eventually their mortality did them in. Most recently the Republican Party has attempted to capture the “God” business model, and has had some success in taking money from the poor, but has yet to deliver on its promise of an Edenic afterlife.
1. The Forward Pass: The game of football did not always look as it does today. When it began over 100 years ago, the game, played on college campuses, consisted solely of offensive players running with the ball directly into a mass of humanity pushing against one another centered on the line of scrimmage. This form of the game was so violent and often deadly that in 1905 former Rough Rider and current President Theodore Roosevelt met with a board of College Presidents and re-wrote the rules of football. Roosevelt provided the offense with the opportunity to hurl the pigskin through the air across the line of scrimmage in hopes that another offensive player would catch the ball prior to its touching the ground, whereby the offensive player would then be empowered to run with the ball toward the end zone until he either score a touchdown, step out of bounds or be tackled by a defender. However, if the pass were to fall incomplete, possession of the ball would be turned over to the defending team. The first pass attempt was made by Saint Louis University quarterback Bradbury Robinson on September 5, 1906. Robinson’s first attempt to receiver Jack Schneider fell incomplete, turning the ball over to opponent Carroll College. On Saint Louis’s next possession, Robinson hit Schneider for a 20 yard touchdown, and the world hasn’t been the same since. 104 years later, the forward pass has propelled the sport of football and the National Football League into a multi-billion dollar business. The Super Bowl has become the largest single sporting event in the world, bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars to the NFL. The NCAA makes hundreds of millions of dollars exploiting their student athletes’ abilities to throw and catch that same forward pass that was invented over 100 years ago. And most every American male devotes a portion of every Sunday from September through January worshipping at the altar of football. In fact, the forward pass has proven to be even more effective than God at convincing the poor to give their money to the rich. Yes, whether it be buying a certain brand of beer, wearing a certain colored shirt, or appropriating tax dollars to the building of stadiums rather than schools, the forward pass truly has shaped our modern society more than we can imagine.
So there they are, the top five inventions in the history of humanity. Disagree? What, you think the wheel or fire should be on the list? Well if you're so damn smart make your own list. Until then, Eat Rope, Ugly!
Something Special To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
November 22, 2010
Thanksgiving is upon us once again. The one day each year we set aside to take time to remember those people and things that mean so much to us. This year I propose that we all take a moment to give thanks for one special thing that we often overlook, but if absent would create quite a void in our daily lives. This year let us all give thanks for Baking Soda!
Also known as Sodium bicarbonate, with the formula NaHCO3 , baking soda is quite possibly the most versatile chemical compound known to man. A rather simple compound, one carbon atom double bonded to one oxygen atom, single bonded to an oxygen/hydrogen pair, and single bonded to another negatively charged oxygen atom with a positive charged sodium atom hovering around it. Such a simple compound with so many uses. What other substance do we use in both baking bread and cleaning our toilets? In whitening our teeth and deodorizing our refrigerators? In treating heartburn and fattening cattle? In washing our clothes and extinguishing our grease fires? Indeed, this is one quite remarkable chemical.
Baking soda was first used by the ancient Egyptians as a cleaning agent. It has been used in its natural form for thousands of years, but not until the late 19th century was the compound isolated and mass-produced. In 1894 Chicago chemist Don Sikorski isolated sodium bicarbonate from natron, its natural form, and studied the compound. Sikorski, who was known for his remarkably white teeth, was to baking soda what George Washington Carver was to the peanut. He devised dozens of uses for the versatile powder, including some that have fallen out of fashion since his time. His most controversial theory was that baking soda could revive the recently deceased. Unfortunately for Sikorski his theory did not pan out, and when the dozens of corpses were discovered he was tried and convicted for murder, which was quite rare in Chicago at that time, the conviction, not the murder. After his conviction, his many patents were bought for peanuts by the Arm & Hammer Corporation, which has since become synonymous with the commercial production and sale of baking soda and products containing baking soda.
Sikorski’s ultimate disgrace is likely the reason he has been forgotten by historians and chemists alike, but his story does have a connection to the history of Cooper. Sikorski’s grandson, hoping to escape the shame brought upon by his grandfather, emigrated to Cooper in 1920, and found work as (what else!) a cooper. Sikorski’s descendants live in Cooper to this day, and no doubt there’s a box of baking soda in their fridge or pantry.
So while you’re buttering that biscuit at Thanksgiving dinner, or taking that antacid after your meal, or smothering that grease fire in the kitchen, take a moment to give thanks for baking soda, quite possibly the most important white powder in the world, besides cocaine of course. Baking soda is more loyal than a friend, more reliable than a loved one, lasts longer than your average pet, and has probably bailed you out of more trouble than any cranberry or yam. Yet it is happy to remain in the shadows, as a mere ingredient. This Thanksgiving let us save the seat of honor at our dinner table for that irreplaceable little yellow box of life, the baking soda.
Religion Comment Costs Mabus the Election
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
November 3, 2010
Cooper Town Councilman Mabus the Sasquatch has officially lost the election for Governor of Minnesota, and he only has himself to blame. In what may go down as the biggest blunder in political history, Mabus created a firestorm just two days before the election when he made an unflattering comment about religion to someone whom he didn't know was a reporter.
On Sunday October 31, Councilman Mabus was out to breakfast at the IHOP in Cooper doing some last minute campaigning while enjoying breakfast. A patron of the establishment, who was actually a reporter for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, asked Mabus if he would be attending Church services today. The response from Candidate Mabus was something nobody was expecting.
"I'm afraid I don't believe in your Ghost Stories", Mabus responded with a smile. "I might just as soon spend my day chasing your Easter Bunny or perhaps conversing with your Tooth Fairy." The reporter then asked Candidate Mabus if he, in fact, did not believe in God. "I am familiar with your concept of God", Mabus responded,"and I must say he is perhaps the greatest invention humans have ever made. If we Sasquatches spent all our time, hands folded, making wishes, we would have gone extinct millenia ago."
The story of Mabus' gaffe broke Monday morning, and unleashed a torrent of complaints to Mabus' campaign headquarters. National and local talk radio programs spent much of the day dissecting the comments and postulating as to the consequences they may have on the election. Right wing radio commentators found themselves in quite a quandary trying to support Mabus while also attempting to maintain their strong right-wing pro-religion stances. Conservative flag bearer Rush Limbaugh said of Mabus, "You've got a man who espouses all the core conservative beliefs, save one, religion. That still makes him more of a true conservative than John McCain or George W. Bush. Rather than condemn him and ensure the election of some Communist liberal in Minnesota, lets just 'overlook' this one thing, vote him in, and then work on the religion thing. It's like my father always used to say, if you can't bring the Sasquatch to the Church, bring the Church to the Sasquatch."
Mabus' opponents were quick to jump on the controversy. Democratic candidate Mark Dayton said, "How can you trust a man who is seemingly so out of touch with Minnesota's core values?" While Republican candidate Tom Emmer pulled no punches. "Don't you see how he's mocking us all?" he said. "I guess we're all just too dumb to see the truth, his truth. Why, he's nothing more than a Liberal in sheep's clothing... er, in Sasquatch's clothing. It's a good thing the truth came out before Minnesotans go to the polls."
Late last night, after the polls closed and it was certain that Mabus had lost the race for Governor, the candidate issued this comment, "Don't think that I won't find another way to carry out my plan. This is only the beginning. I shall return." In this reporter's opinion, Mabus sounds very much like Cobra Commander, or perhaps General McArthur.
Mabus' religion comments will join the ranks of all-time political gaffe's: George Bush's "Read my lips, no new taxes.", Sara Palin's "I can see Russia from my house", Barry Goldwater's "Nuke'em back to the stone age", James Buchanan's "South Carolina has seceded? Well I guess that takes care of that", and Herbert Hoover's "Stock market crash? Why the f*** should I care about the stock market crash". And as for his cryptic comments last night, well we've always known this is one bizarre Sasquatch.
Mabus will be returning to his seat on the Cooper Town Council, where he still has one year remaining on his term. Perhaps he will next set his sights on a 2012 senate run. Or perhaps his "plan" aims even higher! One thing is certain, it sure has been an interesting run.
Short-Lived Halloween Treats of Years Gone By
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
October 27, 2010
Halloween, that magical night of the year when children of all ages, regardless of their costume, act like hobos and parade through their neighborhoods begging for candy, is once again upon us. Largely due to the need for every household to stock a bowl of candy treats, Halloween has become the second most expensive holiday in the United States, behind only Christmas.
Despite the fact that most candy purchased is going to be given away to strangers, consumers have proven to be rather picky about what they buy. In fact, there's a whole list of candies from Halloweens past that, for one reason or another, just didn't make it. Here's a few examples:
Farley's Monkey Paws: Made during the gummy craze of 1987, Farley's Monkey Paws were advertised as the only gummy candy full of real monkey goodness. What Farley's didn't tell us was that the gelatin used to make the gummy Monkey Paws was made from the ground up bones of actual monkeys. The production operation was so sloppy that there were even reports of some bags of Monkey Paws that had monkey hairs stuck to the candy. Farley's settled a class-action lawsuit out of court and ever since has ensured that all gelatin production is limited to the ground-up bones of horses, and the occasional clumsy employee.
Absinthe Joy: This potentially lethal treat dates back to 1922, when everything was 'roarin'. The absinthe flavoring in this small chocolate bar made with coconut came from the highly alcoholic spirit absinthe, distilled from the flowers and leaves of the wormwood plant. Absinthe tastes much like black licorice, but contains a potentially dangerous psychoactive drug. Absinthe was banned in the United States in 1915, but this candy bar was snuck into the country by the Nestle company based in Switzerland. The Absinthe Joy candy bar was pulled after only one year when many young children reported seeing colors that weren't invented until the 1960's, and complained that their fingers were too loud. Trippin' balls!
Pearson's Lint Patties: In 1931, the Pearson's candy company of St. Paul, Minnesota simply did not have enough cash on hand to purchase the by-products to make their mint patties. Not wanting to miss out on the Halloween season, Pearson's found an alternative. They paid young children a nickel per pound for lint. Hordes of children were seen roaming the streets of St. Paul attacking men lined up at soup kitchens and employment offices, rummaging through their empty pockets searching for lint. It was because of these sometimes violent mobs of young lint collectors that many men began to wear their pants with the pockets pulled out, showing the children that they had no lint to give. This look caught on and eventually the trend became known as wearing Hoover wings, named for President Hoover, who had no answer for the the great depression looming over America. The lint, pressed into a wafer and coated in chocolate, was about as tasty as it sounded, but bad candy was better than no candy. The next year, P. Edward Pearson, the company's founder and president, hit a long shot at the horse track and the Pearson's candy company was able to switch back to using mint in their patties.
Sour Muff Kids: Another gummy candy on the list, Sour Muff Kids candy, which hit the shelves in 1985, was a take on the wildly popular Cabbage Patch Kids dolls of the 1980's. It was nothing more than a gummy candy pressed to look like a doll's head. The candy was then coated in ascorbic acid, giving it a very sour taste. The candy proved to be quite popular, but the name caused some controversy. Several busy-body mother's groups sent venomous letters of protest to the Cadbury Company, the makers of the candy. Cadbury heard their complaints and vowed that those mothers would never again have to worry about Sour Muffs. The very same candy was renamed Sour Patch Kids, and has been in production ever since.
Twizzler's Asparagus Twists: The "Blossom" craze of the mid 1990's created a large market for candy that fit into a vegetarian lifestyle. In 1997, Hershey, the makers of Twizzler's licorice saw this potential and created a licorice from asparagus. It wasn't the unfortunate color of the Asparagus Twists that did them in, a hideous pea green color. It wasn't even the questionable flavor combination of asparagus and anise that was the problem. Twizzler's Asparagus Twists didn't last because they made people's urine smell horrible. Ever since, Twizzler's has stuck to cherry, strawberry and black licorice, which only makes people's urine smell moderately bad.
Candied Cream Corn: In 1977, the Brach's company out of Illinois attempted to branch out from the wildly popular candy corn and introduced Candied Cream Corn. It was pretty much just Candy Corn packaged in a slurry of corn syrup and something that looked like toenail clippings. The ultra high sugar content of this candy was its downfall. One serving of Candied Cream Corn contained the equivalent of 4 pounds of grain sugar. Diagnoses of juvenile diabetes skyrocketed in the fall of 1977. The FDA and CDC traced this public health crisis to the Brach's treat and forced them to stop production after just the one Halloween season, but the damage had already been done. Horror writer Stephen King wrote a short story about the effects Candied Cream Corn had on children that autumn... the story would eventually become the 1984 motion picture "Children of the Corn", where children murder all the adults in a small Nebraska town.
So this Halloween, take a good look at the candy filling up your children's' buckets. There's a chance that something in there will never be seen again. The great mystery is not why these candies were ever made in the first place... it is why these candies failed and those disgusting peanut butter flavored toffee balls continue to be made year after year. Happy Halloween!
Motherf***er: The Etymology of a Slur
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
August 16, 2010
Is it true?… The origin of the slur, motherf***er can be traced to former President Millard Filmore. Filmore, who served as the Vice President to Zachary Taylor from 1849-1850, was himself thrust into the Oval Office in 1850 after the untimely death of Taylor. He left office in 1853 when Democrat Franklin Pierce, who bore no resemblance to the M*A*S*H* character of the same name played by Alan Alda, was sworn in as the 14th President. Filmore, desperate to return to Washington, ran for president as a third party candidate in 1856, taking votes from Republican John C. Fremont, thereby throwing the election to Democrat James Buchanan. Let us not forget that it was during the Presidency of Buchanan that South Carolina seceded from the Union, igniting the Civil War. Had it not been for Filmore, perhaps American history would look quite different.
Ever since, Republicans have used the slur MF’er when discussing a hated rival, (see Richard Nixon). Abraham Lincoln was heard to refer to General George B. McClellan as a MF’er. Rutherford B. Hayes referred to Samuel Tilden as the same. Benjamin Harrison famously referred to Prohibitionist Carrie Nation as “that f***ing MF’er”, the first time that MF’er was used against a woman. However, after a few generations, the origin of the slur had become lost to history.
In 1922, during one of his secret poker games at the White House, President Warren G. Harding was asked why so many other Republicans were referring to his as President MF’er, (this was during the peak of the Teapot Dome scandal). Harding, a well known philanderer, assumed that the ‘F’ stood for F***, and guessed, jokingly, that the ‘M’ could stand for Mother. The rhyme garnered quite a few chuckles around the table, and the slur stuck.
From that day on, motherf***er could be heard everywhere, from the battlefields of Europe and the Pacific, to Nixon’s oval office. Comedian George Carlin even included motherf***er in his list of seven words you can’t say on television. It is even rumored that throughout his acting career, Samuel L. Jackson has “dropped the MF’er bomb” on screen 113, 724 times! Now that’s a lot of Millard Filmore’s!
Now that the truth has been revealed about this etymological mystery, let us civilized Americans clean up our language. When a situation calls for a “motherf***er, why not take the slur back to its origin and simply call the offending party a “Millard Filmore”. They won’t know what hit them.
Mabus Is A Hero, Stops Oil Flow
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
June 28, 2010
In a rare instance of a politician keeping his promise and demonstrating competence, Mabus the Sasquatch, member of the Cooper Town Council and President Obama's pick to head up the Gulf oil spill mission, has miraculously capped the gushing oil well which has spewed crude into the Gulf of Mexico for over two months.
"The engineering solution was quite simple", Mabus said in his press conference yesterday from New Orleans. "Any child who has played in the yard on a hot summer day knows that the best way to stop the flow of water from a garden hose is not to screw on a cap... its to kink the hose." Mabus' analogy inspired the engineers to devise a scheme whereby a pneumatic clamp would be placed around the pipe coming into the failed blowout preventor from the ground below. The clamp was tightened, reducing the flow of oil to a mere trickle. Once that was done, a special concrete mixture was poured over the top of the well along with many barges full of rock and gravel, encasing the pipeline, blowout preventor, and pneumatic clamp in a permanent block. Within 24 hours of the initial clamping, the well was deemed secure.
As the drilling of relief wells continues, the mission now shifts to the clean-up job along the Gulf coast. Last week, Mabus authorized the purchase of several centrifuge separator units designed and built by Hollywood actor Kevin Costner. "How could I say no to Kevin Costner?" Mabus said. "I just loved him in 'Fandango'. What's more, his apparatus actually works, unlike the storyline from 'Waterworld'." The centrifuges will be disseminated around the gulf, wherever oil plumes are seen threatening beaches and wetlands.
Mabus will remain on the job through the end of July, overseeing the clean-up effort. But he will keep his promise and be back in Cooper on July 4th to serve as Grand Marshall of the Cooper 4th of July Parade. Organizers are already preparing for an onslaught of national media as well as a larger than normal crowd of spectators for the Hero's return.
The national media have already elevated Mabus to hero status, comparing his meteoric political rise to that of former President Herbert Hoover, who was elected in 1928 due largely to his heroic efforts dealing with the great Mississippi flood of 1927. While the White House may not be in the cards for Councilman Mabus, his success in the Gulf will almost certainly elevate him into the Minnesota Governor's Mansion.
The Cooper July 4th Parade will begin at 11 am on Sunday. The course runs down Main street, beginning at the High School and ending at Zimmerman's Hardware, where all Charcoal grills are now half price. May all of Cooper turn out to give our native son the hero's welcome he deserves.
Obama Picks Mabus to Head Up Gulf Operation
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
June 17, 2010
On Tuesday,from the Oval Office, in front of a national audience, President Barack Obama named Mabus the Sasquatch as the head of a specially created commission responsible for containing and cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
Mabus the Sasquatch, currently a member of the Cooper Town Council, and the Tea Party's candidate for Governor of Minnesota, was a surprising choice by the president, considering his lack of experience on a national scale and lack of knowledge of the Gulf region, not to mention his far right political leanings. When asked why, President Obama lauded Mabus' knowledge of the environment and his no-nonsense approach to problem solving. "I'm confident", said President Obama, "that Mr. Mabus will do what it takes, and do it quickly, to bring this crisis under control and restore the ecosystem of the Gulf coast. He will have the entire backing of the United States federal government, as well as the support of BP."
The much maligned British Petroleum Chief Executive, Tony Hayward, would not comment on the choice of a Sasquatch to head up the executive commission to deal with his company's oil spill. However, one anonymous source told this reporter that Hayward was overheard saying, "Leave it to the bloody Yanks to pick that giant hair ball to solve this mess. Perhaps we can shave his back and use the hair to clog up the well!" At this point, perhaps Hayward and BP should be willing to try anything.
Councilman Mabus stood for an impromptu press conference at MSP International Airport yesterday, just before boarding a plane to New Orleans. "I thank the President for entrusting me with this task," Mabus said. "I feel that my unique experiences are well suited for the duty laid out before me, and am confident that I can bring this situation under control quite quickly, before more animals and humans have to suffer."
When asked if this task would force him out of the race for governor, Mabus responded, "I fully expect to complete this mission in a matter of a few weeks, and will return to the campaign trail by your 4th of July holiday. I am quite thrilled a being chosen as the Grand Marshall for the Cooper 4th of July Parade!"
One last question shouted to Councilman Maubs as he boarded the plane was what his first step would be in the clean up process. Mabus, responding with a smirk, "Purchase a lot of Dawn dish soap!"
So there you have it. Our very own Mabus claims he will have the leaking BP oil well capped and the oil cleaned out of the Gulf region by the 4th of July. Could it be that he knows something that all our scientists and engineers do not? Or is he simply portraying the unrealistic optimism that all politicians do during an election year? One thing is certain, the entire Nation... the entire world is pulling for you. God's speed, Sasquatch. God's speed.
What the Cool Sasquatches Will Be Watching On TV This Summer
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
June 2, 2010
Summer has finally sprung, and while this is generally considered great news, it also means a lot of re-runs and reality shows for those die hard television viewers. However, this summer may just have a few reality shows that are worth staying in for... especially for those music fans out there.
Making its debut on Thursday at 9 pm on A & E is "I Hope Neil Young Will Remember". It's a reality show that follows rocker Neil Young and documents his descent into dementia. From sunrise to last call, we get an up-close and personal view of the Grandfather of Grunge as he struggles to remember where he left his car keys. The first episode features Neil attempting to order a pizza from Graham Nash. And we all thought David Crosby was the biggest train wreck from the CSNY quartet.
Wednesday nights at 8 pm Spike TV will air "Born to Run". Think "Spinal Tap" meets "The Running Man". Reclusive Rocker Bruce Springsteen hosts this show that pits aging rockers against rabid fans in a post-apocalyptic styled game zone. The object of the game is for the rocker to elude a group of fans and cross the game zone to reach safety. Edgar Winter, Ted Nugent, Pete Frampton and the lead singer of the J. Giles Band...no, not J. Giles... have already signed up for an appearance. If the fans catch the rocker they win a cash prize as well as whatever clothing they can tear from their prey. Note, this is a no holds barred competition, so if you want to see Peter Tork swing a crow bar into the skull of an aged hippie, then this show is for you.
The Travel Channel gets into the act on Tuesday nights at 9 pm with "Roll Over, Beethoven". This show follows decrepit legend, Little Richard around the globe as he searches for his inevitable eternal resting place. Follow Little Richard from Memphis, Tennessee to Memphis, Egypt as he visits some of the most beautiful vistas from around the world for the perfect grave. The octogenarian battles dysentery, customs agents, a swollen prostate, and bad hair days as he searches for the site of his burial. Adding to the drama, the show is shot week to week so what the viewer is watching has occurred in the last week, which means that there is the real possibility that Little Richard will die on camera. And if he does, he will be buried wherever he drops, (it's written into his contract).
Of particular interest to citizens of Cooper will be VH1's "Battle of the Bands". This show follows around five small time bands hoping to make it big. The bands compete in various competitions as they play dive bars and county fairs across the country. One band is eliminated every other episode, and the last band standing wins a record contract, (yes, the idea of a record contract has gone the way of the dinosaur, but so has the idea of VH1 showing actual music related programming). The reason "Battle of the Bands" is a must see for Cooperian and Sasquatch alike is that a local band, "Space Monkey", is featured on the show. "Space Monkey", fronted by Sasquatch Pan Elvis, is a sort of grunge Billy Joel cover band, with some original material. The "Monkey" got their start playing at the Big Foot Bar in downtown Cooper, and now they'll be playing for the whole world... at least those with basic cable... and nothing better to do on a Saturday night in the summer... and can sit through 60 minutes of amateurs playing music to an audience of drunken hicks.
So there you have it. Who needs writers, or actors, or even a plot? This summer let us turn our attention to the ghosts of Rock past, present, and future. You could do a lot worse... well, a little worse... oh hell, just rock on!
Sasquatch in Space Ends in Pain for Former Child Star
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
May 17, 2010
The Russian Soyuz spacecraft returned to Earth yesterday after one week in orbit with a very interesting crew on board. The trip received much coverage due to the presence of local Sasquatch Tang on board. Tang, a 22 year old male resident of Sasquatch Hole named for orange color of his hair, was chosen by the Russian Space Agency to travel into space and conduct experiments on the effects of space travel on the Sasquatch anatomy.
The spacecraft also had on board a space tourist, former child star Macaulay Culkin, star of the first two "Home Alone" movies. Culkin, now 29, paid an estimated $22 million for the trip to space. It is believed that Culkin got the money from the estate of the late pop star, Michael Jackson, whom Culkin was very close friends with since the early 1990's.
Details are still sketchy, but it seems that on day six of the seven day mission there was an altercation between Culkin and Tang. Culkin continually referred to Tang as "Bubbles", possibly in reference to the pet Chimpanzee of Michael Jackson. Tang, after repeatedly warning Culkin to stop, grabbed both of Culkin's arms and pulled, tearing them from Culkin's torso. After a few seconds of hushed shock, fellow crew members stepped in and put an end to the altercation.
Culkin's arms were secured and stored in refrigeration for possible re-attachment. Culkin was bandaged and bundled into a sleeping bag styled apparatus and prepared for re-entry. Amazingly, there was very little blood loss, possibly due to the absence of gravity. Doctors believe they can successfully re-attach the arms and Culkin should regain some use of the severed limbs.
Authorities were waiting to question the crew upon landing, but it appears that no charges will be brought against Tang. Since the altercation occurred aboard a Russian spacecraft, any possible crime would fall under Russian jurisdiction. And the Russian Legal Code has a strong provocation clause written into assault and battery laws. Under Russian law, being referred to as "Bubbles" grants one the right to batter the name-caller. Tang will remain in Russia for one more week to complete tests pertaining to the mission, and then will return home to Cooper, where a parade is already planned.
Prior to departure, the scientific benefits of the mission were called into question. Upon completion, we can fairly say that Sasquatches are fit for space travel, but may become agitated after being cooped up for an extended period. We've also learned that in future intergalactic wars, it will be even more difficult to kill the giant insect enemies if their wounds do not ooze and bleed as much without an atmosphere.
We've also learned two far more valuable lessons; that child stars really are bad with their money, and that you really, really should not provoke a Sasquatch. Valuable lessons, indeed.
Mabus Arrested at Tea Party Event in Arizona
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
May 2, 2010
It would appear that Mabus the Sasquatch, Cooper City Councilman and Tea Party candidate for Governor of Minnesota has become the first victim of the newly enacted and highly publicized illegal alien law in the state of Arizona.
Ironically, Mabus was in the state to attend a rally sponsored by the Tea Party for America meant to show support for the newly enacted law which allows police officers to ask for proof of citizenship whenever there is probable cause to believe that someone may not be a legal citizen of the United States. He was flown into Phoenix on a private jet provided by a private donor to the Tea Party.
While en route from the airport to the convention hall where he was to give a speech, the van he and a few other Tea Party bigwigs was riding in was involved in a minor traffic accident. A State Patrol Officer arrived on the scene and began questioning the drivers and passengers of the two cars involved. After questioning Mabus about what occurred the Trooper asked Mabus to show him his identification, or some sort of proof of citizenship. "I cannot say if it was my physical appearance or perhaps my British accent, but the officer did not take me for an American," said Mabus. "Were I to possess a drivers license I would have gladly presented it to him, but alas I simply do not drive. And I am sorry to say that I have neither a birth certificate nor social security card, nor any other identification which a legal human resident of the United States might possess. This lack of documentation put me into quite a pickle."
Councilman Mabus was not the only passenger of the van to be questioned as to their citizenship. Former Alaska Governor Sara Palin was also in the van, and when questioned by the Trooper, was also unable to provide any identification. "She spoke with a Canadian accent, claimed she was from Alaska, and in general seemed quite incoherent," the Trooper said. It wasn't until a second Trooper arrived on the scene and recognized her, incorrectly, as "that Jew comedy lady that lives in Rockefeller Center" that she was free to go.
Councilman Mabus was taken into custody and transported to a nearby police station for further questioning. The situation was finally cleared up when Mabus suggested that the officers take a look at our very own Cooper County Times web site and compare pictures on the site with him. The officers came to the conclusion that Mabus was a legal naturalized citizen of the United States and allowed him to go.
Later that day at the Barry M. Goldwater Convention Hall, Mabus took to the stage as scheduled for his remarks. "It truly is an honor to speak to all you great citizen of Arizona in this Hall, named for another great Arizonan and American. Barry Goldwater once said, 'Extremism in the pursuit of justice is no vice, and moderation in the defense of liberty no virtue.' Those words fairly well sum up our participation in the Tea Party of American and fairly well explain the necessity of this new illegal alien law." Mabus continued, "There is a lot of ill will toward the state and the governor due to this new law. I understand the Chuck D and Flava Flav are putting together a remix of 'By The Time I Get To Arizona'(The crowd broke into loud booing at that comment). Well let me just say to Chuck D, 'neither party is mine. Not the jackass or the elephant', (The crowd broke into wild applause at that comment). And we cannot expect the same old politicians to solve the same old problems we have dealt with for many years. Perhaps it is time to let a Sasquatch have a crack at it."
After the cheers died down and the checks rolled in, Councilman Mabus was back on his private jet back to Minnesota. Despite the arrest, the trip was a success. Councilman Mabus took in an estimated $1.5 million for his Gubernatorial campaign, and gained even more national recognition both within and without the Tea Party movement.
One still cannot help to wonder just what lurks beneath the surface of this Sasquatch? While en route this reporter heard Mabus singing under his breath, " Population none in the desert and sun/ Wit' a gun cracker/ Runnin' things under his thumb/ Starin' hard at the postcards/ Isn't it odd and unique?/ Seein' people smile wild in the heat/ 120 degree/ 'Cause I wanna be free/ What's a smilin' fact/ When the whole state's racist". It would appear that the citizens of Cooper and Minnesota truly have an enigma on their hands.
Mabus is Tea Party Nominee for Governor
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
April 16, 2010
Councilman Mabus shocked the citizens of Cooper, and the nation as a whole yesterday when he announced he will be running for governor of Minnesota as the Tea Party's candidate. The announcement was made during a Tea Party tax day protest at the state capital in St. Paul.
The Tea Party rally attracted nearly six hundred protesters, a somewhat disappointing turnout unless you ask the rally's organizers; Fox News personality Sean Hannity and Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann. "Looking over this sea of great Americans makes me proud to be a Tea Bagger!" said Bachmann. "Its about time all of us patriots stand up and say we're tired of paying taxes."
Councilman Mabus took to the microphone after Representative Bachmann's nonsensical rantings. "My fellow Minnesotans, the time has come to throw down the shackles of tyranny which those two political parties have forced us to wear for so many generations. Gandhi once said that we must be the change we wish to see in others. It is in that spirit that I announce to you and the world today that I will be the Tea Party candidate in the race for the Governor of Minnesota."
After the confused applause tapered off, Mabus continued, "I know it will not be an easy fight, for any third party candidate faces a nearly insurmountable uphill climb. But I've climbed many a hill in my life, and countless trees also... that's the best way to catch squirrels, after all. But I digress. I just know, looking out upon this sea of shining patriots, that we have right on our side and the silent majority will not be silenced come election day this November."
After Mabus' stirring speech the band struck up an energetic rendition of "Win in the End" by Mark Safan, the song which appeared on the soundtrack for the 1985 motion picture 'Teen Wolf'. Seems like an obvious choice to this reporter.
Mabus faces a crowded field in the race for Governor, to replace two term Governor Tim Pawlenty. While Governor Pawlenty sets his sights on the Republican nomination for President, several relatively unknown politicians from both parties have thrown their hats into the ring. Possibly the best known of the group is former Senator Mark Dayton, who kicked off his campaign by admitting his battles with depression; an odd strategy for a man who so closely resembles Droopy Dog.
Mabus may have a few advantages in the coming election. His name recognition is quite high, being a sasquatch and all. His lack of political experience means there isn't much of a record his opponents can attack, (of course that didn't help Sara Palin). His oratorical skills are quite remarkable considering his complete lack of a formal education. And don't underestimate the state's penchant for leaning toward third party candidates. Minnesota did elect Jesse Ventura, of the Independence Party, Governor just twelve years ago.
Perhaps the biggest concern for the legitimacy of Mabus' campaign is the fact that the Tea Party as an actual political party does not exist. There is no real structure or leadership or organization that has any authority to nominate a candidate, and there are no Tea Party primaries to speak of. It would seem that Representative Bachmann and those "journalists" at Fox News chose to nominate Mabus on their own. One is left to wonder how a grass roots movement can be so controlled from the top down?
Nevertheless the presence of Mabus the Sasquatch in the race for Governor should make for a very interesting political season. Election day is Tuesday November 2nd. See ya at the polls.
Staff Writer
April 16, 2010
Councilman Mabus shocked the citizens of Cooper, and the nation as a whole yesterday when he announced he will be running for governor of Minnesota as the Tea Party's candidate. The announcement was made during a Tea Party tax day protest at the state capital in St. Paul.
The Tea Party rally attracted nearly six hundred protesters, a somewhat disappointing turnout unless you ask the rally's organizers; Fox News personality Sean Hannity and Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann. "Looking over this sea of great Americans makes me proud to be a Tea Bagger!" said Bachmann. "Its about time all of us patriots stand up and say we're tired of paying taxes."
Councilman Mabus took to the microphone after Representative Bachmann's nonsensical rantings. "My fellow Minnesotans, the time has come to throw down the shackles of tyranny which those two political parties have forced us to wear for so many generations. Gandhi once said that we must be the change we wish to see in others. It is in that spirit that I announce to you and the world today that I will be the Tea Party candidate in the race for the Governor of Minnesota."
After the confused applause tapered off, Mabus continued, "I know it will not be an easy fight, for any third party candidate faces a nearly insurmountable uphill climb. But I've climbed many a hill in my life, and countless trees also... that's the best way to catch squirrels, after all. But I digress. I just know, looking out upon this sea of shining patriots, that we have right on our side and the silent majority will not be silenced come election day this November."
After Mabus' stirring speech the band struck up an energetic rendition of "Win in the End" by Mark Safan, the song which appeared on the soundtrack for the 1985 motion picture 'Teen Wolf'. Seems like an obvious choice to this reporter.
Mabus faces a crowded field in the race for Governor, to replace two term Governor Tim Pawlenty. While Governor Pawlenty sets his sights on the Republican nomination for President, several relatively unknown politicians from both parties have thrown their hats into the ring. Possibly the best known of the group is former Senator Mark Dayton, who kicked off his campaign by admitting his battles with depression; an odd strategy for a man who so closely resembles Droopy Dog.
Mabus may have a few advantages in the coming election. His name recognition is quite high, being a sasquatch and all. His lack of political experience means there isn't much of a record his opponents can attack, (of course that didn't help Sara Palin). His oratorical skills are quite remarkable considering his complete lack of a formal education. And don't underestimate the state's penchant for leaning toward third party candidates. Minnesota did elect Jesse Ventura, of the Independence Party, Governor just twelve years ago.
Perhaps the biggest concern for the legitimacy of Mabus' campaign is the fact that the Tea Party as an actual political party does not exist. There is no real structure or leadership or organization that has any authority to nominate a candidate, and there are no Tea Party primaries to speak of. It would seem that Representative Bachmann and those "journalists" at Fox News chose to nominate Mabus on their own. One is left to wonder how a grass roots movement can be so controlled from the top down?
Nevertheless the presence of Mabus the Sasquatch in the race for Governor should make for a very interesting political season. Election day is Tuesday November 2nd. See ya at the polls.
Supreme Court Upholds Congressional Restraining Order Against America
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
April 5, 2010
The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the restraining order filed by the Congress of the United States of America against in essence the American public is legal and will go into effect immediately.
The case, U.S. Congress v. Joe Wurzelbacher, filed just two weeks ago quickly shot to the top of the SCOTUS docket. Both houses of Congress voted in favor (along party lines) of filing a restraining order against the American public to eliminate harassing telephone calls and e-mails to their offices, mostly concerning the pending health care vote. Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher was chosen as the defendant based on his symbolic position as the average American citizen who was unhappy with the work of his congressional representation.
The attorney for the U.S. Congress, Senator Arlyn Spector of Pennsylvania, who recently switched from the Republican party to the Democratic party, argued before the bench that the U.S. Constitution clearly limits the role of the populace in government to voting once every two years. Any involvement beyond that was not to be considered an inalienable right, and that once the people cross the line and begin harassing their representatives, the restraining order is justified.
The attorneys representing Joe "the Plumber" were provided pro bono by the Fox News Network, whose on air personalities are largely responsible for the harassment taking place. The attorneys found themselves in the interesting position of having to argue that the U.S. Constitution is a living document and that the words of the founding fathers must be flexible in order for the document to remain relevant in modern times (except the second amendment, of course).
The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Congress by a 6 to 3 vote, with Justices Sotomayor, Ginsburg and Breyer (the three justices nominated by Democratic Presidents, ironic?) siding with the American people.
In the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, "The U.S. Constitution clearly lays out a plan to limit the role of the American people to the right to vote. Even that right was severely limited by Article 1 Section 3 which established the election of Senators by state legislatures, (the 17th amendment adopted in 1913 led to the direct election of senators by the people), and Article 2 Section 2 which established the electoral college to elect the President and Vice-President."
Chief Justice Roberts also pointed out that the Constitution severely limited the right to vote to land owning white males, (since changed by the 15th and 19th amendments), proof that the founding fathers wanted as little power with the people as possible. Roberts did point out that the restraining order was set to expire on the first of October, 2010, just over one month before the next election.
In a rare move, Justice Samuel Alito also issued his own majority opinion. Alito, well known as the clown of the court, wrote, "It is a little known fact that Constitutional author, 4th President of the United States, and snack cake lover James Madison had a tattoo on his shoulder that read, "plebis es censeo", which roughly translates to "The Masses Are Asses". It would seem that after over 220 years, the Congress of the United States has learned this also."
In the minority opinion, or dissenting opinion, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote "It is a dark day indeed for the democracy when the people are no longer allowed to directly communicate with their representatives. One would hold out hope that our representatives know enough about their constituencies that they will still be able to function in their best interests, but 200 years of history has shown us otherwise. This decision confirms that the fundamental flaw of a representative democracy is the eventual creation of a ruling class which holds its interests above those of its constituencies."
Today the halls of the Capitol Building have fallen silent. Nary a telephone ring cries out where just a few days ago they filled passageways. Offices have already begun sending aides back home, their services no longer needed to process all the calls and e-mails. Today Senators and Representatives walk the corridors with their heads held a little higher, with a new found sense of competence and purpose, with a sense that finally some proper debating can take place and some effective legislating can be accomplished.
One unforeseen outcome of the ruling is that the Sasquatch suffrage movement seems to have the blessing of the Supreme Court. Chief Justice Roberts also wrote that the extending of voting rights to those groups, minority or otherwise, who were not granted the right to vote in the Constitution did not fundamentally alter the role of the people in government, which the Constitution clearly lays out. It would seem that the Sasquatch population of Cooper County, which was allowed to vote in the last election, will retain that right despite recent legal challenges in State Court.
Perhaps this ruling will serve as a wake up call to those Americans who think it is their patriotic duty to threaten, harass and insult their Congressional representatives. The fact is that we do live in a representative democracy. We are entrusted with the responsibility to vote for representatives who share our values and vision for the Nation. Beyond that we must trust that our representatives will use their consciences and better judgement to do what is best for America. The simple fact is that if every Congressman and woman voted solely in favor of what was best for their district or state, absolutely nothing would ever be accomplished. And if you don't like what's being done, you have every right to take action... on the first Tuesday of November in every even numbered year.
Staff Writer
April 5, 2010
The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the restraining order filed by the Congress of the United States of America against in essence the American public is legal and will go into effect immediately.
The case, U.S. Congress v. Joe Wurzelbacher, filed just two weeks ago quickly shot to the top of the SCOTUS docket. Both houses of Congress voted in favor (along party lines) of filing a restraining order against the American public to eliminate harassing telephone calls and e-mails to their offices, mostly concerning the pending health care vote. Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher was chosen as the defendant based on his symbolic position as the average American citizen who was unhappy with the work of his congressional representation.
The attorney for the U.S. Congress, Senator Arlyn Spector of Pennsylvania, who recently switched from the Republican party to the Democratic party, argued before the bench that the U.S. Constitution clearly limits the role of the populace in government to voting once every two years. Any involvement beyond that was not to be considered an inalienable right, and that once the people cross the line and begin harassing their representatives, the restraining order is justified.
The attorneys representing Joe "the Plumber" were provided pro bono by the Fox News Network, whose on air personalities are largely responsible for the harassment taking place. The attorneys found themselves in the interesting position of having to argue that the U.S. Constitution is a living document and that the words of the founding fathers must be flexible in order for the document to remain relevant in modern times (except the second amendment, of course).
The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Congress by a 6 to 3 vote, with Justices Sotomayor, Ginsburg and Breyer (the three justices nominated by Democratic Presidents, ironic?) siding with the American people.
In the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, "The U.S. Constitution clearly lays out a plan to limit the role of the American people to the right to vote. Even that right was severely limited by Article 1 Section 3 which established the election of Senators by state legislatures, (the 17th amendment adopted in 1913 led to the direct election of senators by the people), and Article 2 Section 2 which established the electoral college to elect the President and Vice-President."
Chief Justice Roberts also pointed out that the Constitution severely limited the right to vote to land owning white males, (since changed by the 15th and 19th amendments), proof that the founding fathers wanted as little power with the people as possible. Roberts did point out that the restraining order was set to expire on the first of October, 2010, just over one month before the next election.
In a rare move, Justice Samuel Alito also issued his own majority opinion. Alito, well known as the clown of the court, wrote, "It is a little known fact that Constitutional author, 4th President of the United States, and snack cake lover James Madison had a tattoo on his shoulder that read, "plebis es censeo", which roughly translates to "The Masses Are Asses". It would seem that after over 220 years, the Congress of the United States has learned this also."
In the minority opinion, or dissenting opinion, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote "It is a dark day indeed for the democracy when the people are no longer allowed to directly communicate with their representatives. One would hold out hope that our representatives know enough about their constituencies that they will still be able to function in their best interests, but 200 years of history has shown us otherwise. This decision confirms that the fundamental flaw of a representative democracy is the eventual creation of a ruling class which holds its interests above those of its constituencies."
Today the halls of the Capitol Building have fallen silent. Nary a telephone ring cries out where just a few days ago they filled passageways. Offices have already begun sending aides back home, their services no longer needed to process all the calls and e-mails. Today Senators and Representatives walk the corridors with their heads held a little higher, with a new found sense of competence and purpose, with a sense that finally some proper debating can take place and some effective legislating can be accomplished.
One unforeseen outcome of the ruling is that the Sasquatch suffrage movement seems to have the blessing of the Supreme Court. Chief Justice Roberts also wrote that the extending of voting rights to those groups, minority or otherwise, who were not granted the right to vote in the Constitution did not fundamentally alter the role of the people in government, which the Constitution clearly lays out. It would seem that the Sasquatch population of Cooper County, which was allowed to vote in the last election, will retain that right despite recent legal challenges in State Court.
Perhaps this ruling will serve as a wake up call to those Americans who think it is their patriotic duty to threaten, harass and insult their Congressional representatives. The fact is that we do live in a representative democracy. We are entrusted with the responsibility to vote for representatives who share our values and vision for the Nation. Beyond that we must trust that our representatives will use their consciences and better judgement to do what is best for America. The simple fact is that if every Congressman and woman voted solely in favor of what was best for their district or state, absolutely nothing would ever be accomplished. And if you don't like what's being done, you have every right to take action... on the first Tuesday of November in every even numbered year.
Genealogists Find Link Between Sasquatches & Humans
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
March 15, 2010
Recent research done for the PBS series "Faces of America" has revealed that there is a surprising genealogical link between sasquatches and humans, particularly Canadians whose ancestors lived in the Lake Winnipeg area between 1890 and 1918. This finding both confirms theories that Sasquatches can indeed mate with humans and that the presence of Sasquatches may have been widely known prior to their discovery in Cooper in 2008.
Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., host of "Faces of America" began researching the genealogy of northern Minnesota and southern Manitoba natives after his work with writer and Little Falls, MN native Louise Erdrich on "Faces of America".
"We found something that we couldn't quite explain," said Gates. "When we went back a few generations in her family, the DNA just didn't show what we expected. The best we could figure was that one of her parent's siblings was illegitimate. The mitochondrial DNA (the DNA coming from the mother) was the same, so we assumed that there was a different father. The really amazing revelation came when doing a DNA search in our data banks for the possible identity of the father, Mabus the sasaquatch politician from Cooper, MN came up as the closest match. From that we drew the conclusion that Louise Erdrich's grandmother had an affair with a sasquatch in 1894, which resulted in a birth in 1895."
Once Gates and his team knew what to look for they began to find many sasquatch-sired births hidden within family trees. "Of 1200 families we studied that lived in the area around Lake Winnipeg in southern Manitoba, nearly 300 showed a sasquatch-fathered birth. The illicit cross-species breeding seems to have peaked from 1915-1918, years when much of the young male population of Canada was in Europe fighting in WWI. The earliest one we found was from 1891, and the last documented sasquatch/human birth was 1920. We never found a case where the mother was a sasquatch, only the father. And our DNA tests have shown that of the nearly 300 cases of sasquatch/human births, they came from no more than 17 sasquatch males."
Photographs of those suspected to be half-sasquatch show no evidence of their breed. There is just a slight increase in average height, with the half-sasquatch offspring averaging about 2 inches taller than their all-human contemporaries. There is also a slight increase in the hairiness of the sasquatch offspring, which is more noticeable in men than women, thankfully. Those half-sasquatch offspring would have had no trouble fitting in with society, their differences would have been quite unremarkable.
The revelation has raised many questions. If so many interactions took place between humans and sasquatches why was there never a report of sightings in the press at that time? One possible reason is that the women who had contact with the sasquatches enjoyed the encounters and did not wish to ruin a good thing with the publicity such a revelation would generate. It may also be confirmation that one's foot length is indeed an indicator of other things. This revelation may also explain the popularity of hockey in Canada. It may very well be that one quarter or more of all Canadian born hockey players in the NHL are part sasquatch.
Gates' research had opened up a potential can of worms. If sasquatches and humans can inter-breed, than can inter-marriage be too far off? And can the NHL make a rule against the participation of non-humans? It looks more and more like sasquatches will some day soon enjoy all the rights and priviledges that humans enjoy. And what a day that will be!
Staff Writer
March 15, 2010
Recent research done for the PBS series "Faces of America" has revealed that there is a surprising genealogical link between sasquatches and humans, particularly Canadians whose ancestors lived in the Lake Winnipeg area between 1890 and 1918. This finding both confirms theories that Sasquatches can indeed mate with humans and that the presence of Sasquatches may have been widely known prior to their discovery in Cooper in 2008.
Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., host of "Faces of America" began researching the genealogy of northern Minnesota and southern Manitoba natives after his work with writer and Little Falls, MN native Louise Erdrich on "Faces of America".
"We found something that we couldn't quite explain," said Gates. "When we went back a few generations in her family, the DNA just didn't show what we expected. The best we could figure was that one of her parent's siblings was illegitimate. The mitochondrial DNA (the DNA coming from the mother) was the same, so we assumed that there was a different father. The really amazing revelation came when doing a DNA search in our data banks for the possible identity of the father, Mabus the sasaquatch politician from Cooper, MN came up as the closest match. From that we drew the conclusion that Louise Erdrich's grandmother had an affair with a sasquatch in 1894, which resulted in a birth in 1895."
Once Gates and his team knew what to look for they began to find many sasquatch-sired births hidden within family trees. "Of 1200 families we studied that lived in the area around Lake Winnipeg in southern Manitoba, nearly 300 showed a sasquatch-fathered birth. The illicit cross-species breeding seems to have peaked from 1915-1918, years when much of the young male population of Canada was in Europe fighting in WWI. The earliest one we found was from 1891, and the last documented sasquatch/human birth was 1920. We never found a case where the mother was a sasquatch, only the father. And our DNA tests have shown that of the nearly 300 cases of sasquatch/human births, they came from no more than 17 sasquatch males."
Photographs of those suspected to be half-sasquatch show no evidence of their breed. There is just a slight increase in average height, with the half-sasquatch offspring averaging about 2 inches taller than their all-human contemporaries. There is also a slight increase in the hairiness of the sasquatch offspring, which is more noticeable in men than women, thankfully. Those half-sasquatch offspring would have had no trouble fitting in with society, their differences would have been quite unremarkable.
The revelation has raised many questions. If so many interactions took place between humans and sasquatches why was there never a report of sightings in the press at that time? One possible reason is that the women who had contact with the sasquatches enjoyed the encounters and did not wish to ruin a good thing with the publicity such a revelation would generate. It may also be confirmation that one's foot length is indeed an indicator of other things. This revelation may also explain the popularity of hockey in Canada. It may very well be that one quarter or more of all Canadian born hockey players in the NHL are part sasquatch.
Gates' research had opened up a potential can of worms. If sasquatches and humans can inter-breed, than can inter-marriage be too far off? And can the NHL make a rule against the participation of non-humans? It looks more and more like sasquatches will some day soon enjoy all the rights and priviledges that humans enjoy. And what a day that will be!
Mabus Makes Plea To End Ketchup Ban
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
February 27, 2010
Last night's town council meeting took an unexpected turn when the council's newest member, sasquatch Mabus asked for the floor to discuss the town's current ketchup ban. What followed was an eloquent oration unmatched in the history of Cooper.
The current law making the possession and distribution of Ketchup or Catsup illegal within the town limits of Cooper was proposed and passed on September 2 of last year. The law was presented by Councilman Washington Smoot, who threatened a filibuster to delay the passage of the town's budget for fiscal year 2010 unless his ban was enacted. It passed by a vote of 4 to 1, and lead to the suicide of Councilman Richard Aumundsen three weeks later.
Councilman Mabus began by making apologies for his lack of oratorical finesse, then went on to contradict his apology. Turning to face Councilman Smoot, Mabus said in his deep baritone voice with a hint of a British accent, "All respect to my esteemed colleagues, but I feel a grave injustice has been perpetrated on the good citizens of Cooper". What followed was reminiscent of the great orator of the plains William Jennings Bryan.
"I shall not slander the fair city of Cooper nor the state of Minnesota by saying that when citizens are confronted with the proposition, 'Is this town able to attend to its own business?'—I will not slander either one by saying that the people of this town will declare our helpless impotency as a community to attend to our own business. It is the issue of 1919 over again. Our ancestors, when but 3 hundred, had the courage to declare their independence of every other town upon this land. Shall we, their descendants, when we have grown to 7 thousand, declare that we are less independent than our forefathers? No, my friends, it will never be the judgment of this sasquatch. Therefore, we care not upon what lines the battle is fought. If they say ketchup is good but we cannot have it till some politician helps us, we reply that, instead of having a ketchup ban because Smoot has, we shall restore ketchup use, and then let Cooper have ketchup because the United States have."
After the applause of the stupefied audience died down Mabus continued, "If Smoot dares to come out in the open field and defend the ketchup ban as a good thing, we shall fight him to the uttermost, having behind us the consuming masses of the town and the county. Having behind us the french fry eating interests and the hot dog eating interests and all the sasquatch masses, we shall answer his demands for a ketchup ban by saying to him, you shall not press down upon the brow of Cooper this crown of prohibition. You shall not crucify mankind, or sasquatchkind upon a vine of tomatoes."
Councilman Tanner Clay leaped to his feet with these words and moved that the town council vote to repeal the nearly 6 month old ban on Ketchup. The motion was quickly seconded. When Mayor Winchester called for the ayes, he received a quartet of responses to match his own. The ban had been lifted.
The town wasted no time in partaking of the once prohibited condiment. By 11:00 pm, just three hours after the council meeting ended, the town's watering hole, The Big Foot Bar, was serving a side of ketchup with all orders for french fries and burgers... and even with their chicken wings!
The buzz at the bar, among all those ketchup slurping celebrants, was the impassioned speech given by Councilman Mabus. One wonders if this display of oratorical magic, without the use of telestrator or notes written on his hand, may soon catapult him to higher office. It wouldn't be the first time a single speech has had such an effect. Many believe it was the speech that Barack Obama gave at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 that led to his being elected president in 2008. After Mabus' inspiring speech last night, the sky's the limit.
Staff Writer
February 27, 2010
Last night's town council meeting took an unexpected turn when the council's newest member, sasquatch Mabus asked for the floor to discuss the town's current ketchup ban. What followed was an eloquent oration unmatched in the history of Cooper.
The current law making the possession and distribution of Ketchup or Catsup illegal within the town limits of Cooper was proposed and passed on September 2 of last year. The law was presented by Councilman Washington Smoot, who threatened a filibuster to delay the passage of the town's budget for fiscal year 2010 unless his ban was enacted. It passed by a vote of 4 to 1, and lead to the suicide of Councilman Richard Aumundsen three weeks later.
Councilman Mabus began by making apologies for his lack of oratorical finesse, then went on to contradict his apology. Turning to face Councilman Smoot, Mabus said in his deep baritone voice with a hint of a British accent, "All respect to my esteemed colleagues, but I feel a grave injustice has been perpetrated on the good citizens of Cooper". What followed was reminiscent of the great orator of the plains William Jennings Bryan.
"I shall not slander the fair city of Cooper nor the state of Minnesota by saying that when citizens are confronted with the proposition, 'Is this town able to attend to its own business?'—I will not slander either one by saying that the people of this town will declare our helpless impotency as a community to attend to our own business. It is the issue of 1919 over again. Our ancestors, when but 3 hundred, had the courage to declare their independence of every other town upon this land. Shall we, their descendants, when we have grown to 7 thousand, declare that we are less independent than our forefathers? No, my friends, it will never be the judgment of this sasquatch. Therefore, we care not upon what lines the battle is fought. If they say ketchup is good but we cannot have it till some politician helps us, we reply that, instead of having a ketchup ban because Smoot has, we shall restore ketchup use, and then let Cooper have ketchup because the United States have."
After the applause of the stupefied audience died down Mabus continued, "If Smoot dares to come out in the open field and defend the ketchup ban as a good thing, we shall fight him to the uttermost, having behind us the consuming masses of the town and the county. Having behind us the french fry eating interests and the hot dog eating interests and all the sasquatch masses, we shall answer his demands for a ketchup ban by saying to him, you shall not press down upon the brow of Cooper this crown of prohibition. You shall not crucify mankind, or sasquatchkind upon a vine of tomatoes."
Councilman Tanner Clay leaped to his feet with these words and moved that the town council vote to repeal the nearly 6 month old ban on Ketchup. The motion was quickly seconded. When Mayor Winchester called for the ayes, he received a quartet of responses to match his own. The ban had been lifted.
The town wasted no time in partaking of the once prohibited condiment. By 11:00 pm, just three hours after the council meeting ended, the town's watering hole, The Big Foot Bar, was serving a side of ketchup with all orders for french fries and burgers... and even with their chicken wings!
The buzz at the bar, among all those ketchup slurping celebrants, was the impassioned speech given by Councilman Mabus. One wonders if this display of oratorical magic, without the use of telestrator or notes written on his hand, may soon catapult him to higher office. It wouldn't be the first time a single speech has had such an effect. Many believe it was the speech that Barack Obama gave at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 that led to his being elected president in 2008. After Mabus' inspiring speech last night, the sky's the limit.
Twins Winter Caravan Hits Cooper, Punto Sent to Hospital
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
February 12, 2010
Cooper was visited by several members of the Minnesota Twins yesterday, but the day didn't end as hoped. Cooper appeared for the first time as a stop on the Twins winter caravan, a tour of the state during the off-season by the Twins. And it appears unlikely that the team will be back any time soon.
The gymnasium at Cooper High School was full of excitement as the Twins arrived, players Nick Punto, Denard Span, Pat Neshak, and minor-leaguer Toby Gardenhire, as well as his father, manager Ron Gardenhire. Coach Gardy and 3rd baseman Nick Punto opened the day with statements to the crowd, before breaking up and running drills with the young ballplayers in the crowd.
Punto was running sliding drills, teaching the kids how to slide into a base and avoid getting tagged. All was well until one of the sasquatch youths in attendance did his best Ty Cobb impression. While sliding into the base where Punto was waiting to put down the tag, the sasquatch raised his right foot and planted it into Punto's jaw, separating the ball from the fielder and the fielder's mandible from his cranium. Punto also suffered a concussion when his head bounced off the gymnasium floor.
First aid workers were on scene within minutes, as was manager Ron Gardenhire. Punto was immobilized and taken via ambulance to the Duluth Emergency Medical Center 90 miles away for x-rays and a CT scan. He is in stable condition and hopes to be in Ft. Myers for the start of spring training.
The Winter Caravan event was cancelled after the Punto incident, the players were hustled onto the bus and sped out of town. Manager Ron Gardenhire stayed behind and addressed the crowd. "I'm starting to think you sasquatches are White Sox fans," he said. "Sorry to cut the day short but I can't afford to lose anyone for the season. Our bench is already pretty thin. It's a good thing we didn't bring Mauersie or Morneausie or Cuddy, we really couldn't afford to lose one of them. But Nicky... well we'll get over that one."
Punto joined the club in 2004 after three seasons with the Philadelphia Phillies. He has never been one to compile impressive statistics, but his hustle and heady play has irked opponents for years. It was Punto who so annoyed Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen that he nicknamed Punto and teammates the Piranhas, due the way the team seemed to nibble away at its opponents. Punto has been considered a utility infielder for much of his career, being able to play all four infield positions, but has spent significant stretches as a starter over the last few seasons, filling in the holes brought about from poor play or injury to teammates.
Nick Punto nearly continued the recent trend of the Team losing a valued member just before the start of the season, including Kirby Puckett's tragic death in 2006 and the passing of owner Carl Pohlad in 2009. It would also continue the Twins' string of bad luck at 3rd base. Since the departure of Corey Koskie after the 2004 season the team has not had an effective every day third baseman. Punto was penciled into the spot for the 2010 season by default.
Gardenhire was also seen talking to the young sasquatch who injured Punto. One can only hope that Gardy was offering him a spot on the club. The team could use that kind of toughness. The Twins will open the season on Monday, April 5 at Anaheim.
Staff Writer
February 12, 2010
Cooper was visited by several members of the Minnesota Twins yesterday, but the day didn't end as hoped. Cooper appeared for the first time as a stop on the Twins winter caravan, a tour of the state during the off-season by the Twins. And it appears unlikely that the team will be back any time soon.
The gymnasium at Cooper High School was full of excitement as the Twins arrived, players Nick Punto, Denard Span, Pat Neshak, and minor-leaguer Toby Gardenhire, as well as his father, manager Ron Gardenhire. Coach Gardy and 3rd baseman Nick Punto opened the day with statements to the crowd, before breaking up and running drills with the young ballplayers in the crowd.
Punto was running sliding drills, teaching the kids how to slide into a base and avoid getting tagged. All was well until one of the sasquatch youths in attendance did his best Ty Cobb impression. While sliding into the base where Punto was waiting to put down the tag, the sasquatch raised his right foot and planted it into Punto's jaw, separating the ball from the fielder and the fielder's mandible from his cranium. Punto also suffered a concussion when his head bounced off the gymnasium floor.
First aid workers were on scene within minutes, as was manager Ron Gardenhire. Punto was immobilized and taken via ambulance to the Duluth Emergency Medical Center 90 miles away for x-rays and a CT scan. He is in stable condition and hopes to be in Ft. Myers for the start of spring training.
The Winter Caravan event was cancelled after the Punto incident, the players were hustled onto the bus and sped out of town. Manager Ron Gardenhire stayed behind and addressed the crowd. "I'm starting to think you sasquatches are White Sox fans," he said. "Sorry to cut the day short but I can't afford to lose anyone for the season. Our bench is already pretty thin. It's a good thing we didn't bring Mauersie or Morneausie or Cuddy, we really couldn't afford to lose one of them. But Nicky... well we'll get over that one."
Punto joined the club in 2004 after three seasons with the Philadelphia Phillies. He has never been one to compile impressive statistics, but his hustle and heady play has irked opponents for years. It was Punto who so annoyed Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen that he nicknamed Punto and teammates the Piranhas, due the way the team seemed to nibble away at its opponents. Punto has been considered a utility infielder for much of his career, being able to play all four infield positions, but has spent significant stretches as a starter over the last few seasons, filling in the holes brought about from poor play or injury to teammates.
Nick Punto nearly continued the recent trend of the Team losing a valued member just before the start of the season, including Kirby Puckett's tragic death in 2006 and the passing of owner Carl Pohlad in 2009. It would also continue the Twins' string of bad luck at 3rd base. Since the departure of Corey Koskie after the 2004 season the team has not had an effective every day third baseman. Punto was penciled into the spot for the 2010 season by default.
Gardenhire was also seen talking to the young sasquatch who injured Punto. One can only hope that Gardy was offering him a spot on the club. The team could use that kind of toughness. The Twins will open the season on Monday, April 5 at Anaheim.
The Times Ranks The Decades
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
January 27, 2010
It has recently come to the attention of the Cooper County Times that every media entity is required by the FCC to conduct an end of the... story of some sort. Whether it is the end of a year, decade or century, or even a millennium, every television station, magazine, radio show or newspaper is required to put together an end of the... story. So in order for the Cooper County Times to avoid losing its license and to avoid a nasty audit at the hands of the IRS, we have compiled a list of the best of the last four decades in various pop-culture categories in hopes of answering just what has been the best decade of our lifetimes. Enjoy.
America's Symbolic Enemy:
70's The Ayatollah, Jimmy Carter a close second.
80's Gorbachev and the USSR Olympic Hockey Team.
90's Saddam Hussein: Even appeared as antagonist in Hot Shots Part Deux
00's Liberals, according to Fox News, anyway.
Advantage 80's: Defeated the old fashioned way, with money.
Presidents:
70's Richard Nixon: Best use of expletives in the oval office since Millard Filmore.
80's Ronald Reagan: Most senile president since Norman Bartold played the president in "Capricorn One".
90's Bill Clinton: First president since Grover Cleveland to use his office as a pick-up line.
00's George W. Bush: Never did find out what happened to that pet goat.
Advantage 80's: Who'd have thought that a senile actor was just what the world needed at the time.
Vice Presidents:
70's Spiro Agnew-Indicted on Income Tax Evasion.
80's Dan Quayle- Couldn't spell potato.
90's Dan Quayle- Attacking the pregnancy of a fictional character.
00's Dick Cheney- Shot a man (his friend) in the face.
Advantage 00's: Most intimidating Veep since Burr.
Political Scandals:
70's Watergate
80's Iran-Contragate
90's Monica Lewinsky aka Hummergate
00's My-Pet-Goat Gate
Advantage 90's: Who doesn't like a good hummer story.
Loud-Mouthed Talk Show Host:
70's Tom Snyder
80's Morton Downy Jr.- not to be confused with Robert Downy Jr.
90's Jerry Springer: Showed us how much worse it could be.
00's Bill O'Reilly: Thanks for telling us what our values are.
Advantage 70's: Left with at least a little dignity.
Movie Franchise Ruined in a later decade
70's Jaws- There was one that starred Louis Gosseett Jr.?
80's Indiana Jones- Nazi's and Catholics were up in arms over Aliens.
90's American Pie- The Wedding one was bad enough, but the series of straight to dvd movies is too much.
00's Pirates of the Caribbean: You thought #3 was bad, wait until #4 comes out!
Advantage 70's: List could have included Star Wars & Godfather too.
Best Movie made in that decade based on a war from that decade:
70's Apocalypse Now- Is there anything Robert Duvall can't do?
80's Heartbreak Ridge- Wait'll the Swede gets out!
90's Three Kings- Marky Mark and Ice Cube made for a great soundtrack.
00's GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra- You thing Al Qaeda ever got ideas from the old cartoon?
Advantage 80's: Grenada repaired our national image after Vietnam?
Best Bill Murray Project
70's SNL
80's Ghostbusters
90's What About Bob? Just edges out Quick Change.
00's Rushmore- Much better than the acclaimed Lost in Translation.
Advantage 80's: Caddyshack and Stripes didn't make the list?
Fat black female TV/Movie Stars
70's Shirley Hemphill
80's Nell Carter
90's Della Reese
00's Martin Lawrence
Advantage 00's: "He so Crazy!"
Neil Diamond's Musical Status
70's Crooner
80's Rocker
90's Country Crooner
00's Non-existent
Advantage 70's: I'll take "Cracklin Rosie" over "America" any day.
Defining Musical Genre
70's Disco- Ironic since everyone knows that rock attained perfection in 1974.
80's Punk- really? So sad.
90's Grunge- Thank god for flannel.
00's Hip Hop- Two weeks into the 10's and I've already blocked out all music from the 00's.
Advantage 90's: Winner by default.
Tragic Musician Death:
70's Ronnie Van Zandt- I hope Neil Young will remember…
80's John Lennon: Why the CIA had to kill him I'll never understand.
90's Stevie Ray Vaughan- That’s how it happens living life by the drop.
00's Alliyah- I have no idea who this was, but VH1 tells me it was tragic.
Advantage 70's: Freebird proved to be perfect eulogy.
Status of the Monkees:
70's Recently broken up: We were still struggling with it.
80's Reunited sans Mike Nesmith, apparently all that liquid paper money made him too good for the group.
90's Mickey, Peter and Davy reunite on an episode of Boy Meets World. Anything to appear on television.
00's Still no sign of Mike, we're all a little incomplete because of his absence.
Advantage 80's: Those Kicks just keep getting harder to find.
Defining Musical Performer/Group:
70's Fleetwood Mac: A man with a woman's name and a woman with a man's name? Only in the 70's.
80's John Cougar Mellencamp: It's impossible to hear Pink Houses and not think 80's.
90's Nirvana: Um… Er… nevermind.
00's Eminem: Top selling artist of the decade. Shows color doesn't matter, as long as you're not gay or a woman.
Advantage 00's: How funny will it be to see Eminem headlining at Treasure Island in 20 years?
Most Hated Athlete:
70's Reggie Jackson: Proceeds from his candy bar went to pay for his fur coats.
80's Bill Laimbeer: White guy in the NBA kicking ass. There's something just not right about that.
90's Michael Irvin: Seen on camera buying cocaine while signing autographs for kids, and still got a job with ESPN.
00's Barry Bonds: Cranial growth was side effect of Viagra use with mistress, not from steroid use.
Advantage 80's: Basketball fights are the best. You ever see Manute Bol throwing a punch? Classic!
Sport Dynasty of the Decade
70's Philadelphia Flyers: The Broad Street Bullies, old school fighting!
80's San Francisco 49ers: Smartest kid in class, who doesn't hate that kid?
90's Chicago Bulls: Dynasty disrupted by Jordan's secret suspension for gambling when he went to play baseball.
00's Boston Red Sox: 90 years in the making, key piece given away by the Twins.
Advantage 80's: Niners so good they made the super bowl unwatchable for half a decade.
Best Movie based on a fictional/niche sport
70's Rollerball: James Caan fired his agent after this one.
80's No Holds Barred: Hulk Hogan and Zeus in a WWE major motion picture.
90's Best of the Best 2: Eric Roberts at his best, except for the original Best of the Best
00's Dodgeball: What's the deal with the pirate?
Advantage 00's: Comedy, violence and girls kissing in one movie? How did it not win best picture?
Most Regrettable Fashion Trend
70's Rainbow Suspenders: Enough said.
80's Members Only Jacket: Problem was that too many non-members were wearing them.
90's The Skort: Seriously ladies, that's just cheating.
00's The Sport Jersey look: If you're five-foot-six and weigh 250, you cannot wear a Carmello Anthony Jersey… you just can't!
Advantage 70's: As though we needed another reason to hate Robin Williams.
So there you have it. When broken down scientifically, the 1980's comes out on top. Who'd have thunk it? The decade that brought us Return of the Jedi, We are the World, the Boz, Just Say No, and Alf is the best decade of our lifetime. And not surprisingly, the 2000's, the decade that brought us the hanging chad, Elian Gonzales, Terry Schiavo, and My Pet Goat (and that's just what happened in Florida) finished last. Here's hoping the next decade will be a damn site better than the last.
Staff Writer
January 27, 2010
It has recently come to the attention of the Cooper County Times that every media entity is required by the FCC to conduct an end of the... story of some sort. Whether it is the end of a year, decade or century, or even a millennium, every television station, magazine, radio show or newspaper is required to put together an end of the... story. So in order for the Cooper County Times to avoid losing its license and to avoid a nasty audit at the hands of the IRS, we have compiled a list of the best of the last four decades in various pop-culture categories in hopes of answering just what has been the best decade of our lifetimes. Enjoy.
America's Symbolic Enemy:
70's The Ayatollah, Jimmy Carter a close second.
80's Gorbachev and the USSR Olympic Hockey Team.
90's Saddam Hussein: Even appeared as antagonist in Hot Shots Part Deux
00's Liberals, according to Fox News, anyway.
Advantage 80's: Defeated the old fashioned way, with money.
Presidents:
70's Richard Nixon: Best use of expletives in the oval office since Millard Filmore.
80's Ronald Reagan: Most senile president since Norman Bartold played the president in "Capricorn One".
90's Bill Clinton: First president since Grover Cleveland to use his office as a pick-up line.
00's George W. Bush: Never did find out what happened to that pet goat.
Advantage 80's: Who'd have thought that a senile actor was just what the world needed at the time.
Vice Presidents:
70's Spiro Agnew-Indicted on Income Tax Evasion.
80's Dan Quayle- Couldn't spell potato.
90's Dan Quayle- Attacking the pregnancy of a fictional character.
00's Dick Cheney- Shot a man (his friend) in the face.
Advantage 00's: Most intimidating Veep since Burr.
Political Scandals:
70's Watergate
80's Iran-Contragate
90's Monica Lewinsky aka Hummergate
00's My-Pet-Goat Gate
Advantage 90's: Who doesn't like a good hummer story.
Loud-Mouthed Talk Show Host:
70's Tom Snyder
80's Morton Downy Jr.- not to be confused with Robert Downy Jr.
90's Jerry Springer: Showed us how much worse it could be.
00's Bill O'Reilly: Thanks for telling us what our values are.
Advantage 70's: Left with at least a little dignity.
Movie Franchise Ruined in a later decade
70's Jaws- There was one that starred Louis Gosseett Jr.?
80's Indiana Jones- Nazi's and Catholics were up in arms over Aliens.
90's American Pie- The Wedding one was bad enough, but the series of straight to dvd movies is too much.
00's Pirates of the Caribbean: You thought #3 was bad, wait until #4 comes out!
Advantage 70's: List could have included Star Wars & Godfather too.
Best Movie made in that decade based on a war from that decade:
70's Apocalypse Now- Is there anything Robert Duvall can't do?
80's Heartbreak Ridge- Wait'll the Swede gets out!
90's Three Kings- Marky Mark and Ice Cube made for a great soundtrack.
00's GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra- You thing Al Qaeda ever got ideas from the old cartoon?
Advantage 80's: Grenada repaired our national image after Vietnam?
Best Bill Murray Project
70's SNL
80's Ghostbusters
90's What About Bob? Just edges out Quick Change.
00's Rushmore- Much better than the acclaimed Lost in Translation.
Advantage 80's: Caddyshack and Stripes didn't make the list?
Fat black female TV/Movie Stars
70's Shirley Hemphill
80's Nell Carter
90's Della Reese
00's Martin Lawrence
Advantage 00's: "He so Crazy!"
Neil Diamond's Musical Status
70's Crooner
80's Rocker
90's Country Crooner
00's Non-existent
Advantage 70's: I'll take "Cracklin Rosie" over "America" any day.
Defining Musical Genre
70's Disco- Ironic since everyone knows that rock attained perfection in 1974.
80's Punk- really? So sad.
90's Grunge- Thank god for flannel.
00's Hip Hop- Two weeks into the 10's and I've already blocked out all music from the 00's.
Advantage 90's: Winner by default.
Tragic Musician Death:
70's Ronnie Van Zandt- I hope Neil Young will remember…
80's John Lennon: Why the CIA had to kill him I'll never understand.
90's Stevie Ray Vaughan- That’s how it happens living life by the drop.
00's Alliyah- I have no idea who this was, but VH1 tells me it was tragic.
Advantage 70's: Freebird proved to be perfect eulogy.
Status of the Monkees:
70's Recently broken up: We were still struggling with it.
80's Reunited sans Mike Nesmith, apparently all that liquid paper money made him too good for the group.
90's Mickey, Peter and Davy reunite on an episode of Boy Meets World. Anything to appear on television.
00's Still no sign of Mike, we're all a little incomplete because of his absence.
Advantage 80's: Those Kicks just keep getting harder to find.
Defining Musical Performer/Group:
70's Fleetwood Mac: A man with a woman's name and a woman with a man's name? Only in the 70's.
80's John Cougar Mellencamp: It's impossible to hear Pink Houses and not think 80's.
90's Nirvana: Um… Er… nevermind.
00's Eminem: Top selling artist of the decade. Shows color doesn't matter, as long as you're not gay or a woman.
Advantage 00's: How funny will it be to see Eminem headlining at Treasure Island in 20 years?
Most Hated Athlete:
70's Reggie Jackson: Proceeds from his candy bar went to pay for his fur coats.
80's Bill Laimbeer: White guy in the NBA kicking ass. There's something just not right about that.
90's Michael Irvin: Seen on camera buying cocaine while signing autographs for kids, and still got a job with ESPN.
00's Barry Bonds: Cranial growth was side effect of Viagra use with mistress, not from steroid use.
Advantage 80's: Basketball fights are the best. You ever see Manute Bol throwing a punch? Classic!
Sport Dynasty of the Decade
70's Philadelphia Flyers: The Broad Street Bullies, old school fighting!
80's San Francisco 49ers: Smartest kid in class, who doesn't hate that kid?
90's Chicago Bulls: Dynasty disrupted by Jordan's secret suspension for gambling when he went to play baseball.
00's Boston Red Sox: 90 years in the making, key piece given away by the Twins.
Advantage 80's: Niners so good they made the super bowl unwatchable for half a decade.
Best Movie based on a fictional/niche sport
70's Rollerball: James Caan fired his agent after this one.
80's No Holds Barred: Hulk Hogan and Zeus in a WWE major motion picture.
90's Best of the Best 2: Eric Roberts at his best, except for the original Best of the Best
00's Dodgeball: What's the deal with the pirate?
Advantage 00's: Comedy, violence and girls kissing in one movie? How did it not win best picture?
Most Regrettable Fashion Trend
70's Rainbow Suspenders: Enough said.
80's Members Only Jacket: Problem was that too many non-members were wearing them.
90's The Skort: Seriously ladies, that's just cheating.
00's The Sport Jersey look: If you're five-foot-six and weigh 250, you cannot wear a Carmello Anthony Jersey… you just can't!
Advantage 70's: As though we needed another reason to hate Robin Williams.
So there you have it. When broken down scientifically, the 1980's comes out on top. Who'd have thunk it? The decade that brought us Return of the Jedi, We are the World, the Boz, Just Say No, and Alf is the best decade of our lifetime. And not surprisingly, the 2000's, the decade that brought us the hanging chad, Elian Gonzales, Terry Schiavo, and My Pet Goat (and that's just what happened in Florida) finished last. Here's hoping the next decade will be a damn site better than the last.
DOD Drops Bomb on Annexation Plans
by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
January 17, 2009
The petition by Cooper to annex the area north of town known as Sasquatch Hole hit a major roadblock when the Department of Defense denied the petition based on prior military use of the land. When asked for clarification of the decision, DOD spokesperson Nancy McWhorter referred this reporter to a recently declassified document, NSC 17407-cm.
NSC 17407-cm was classified in 1973. Authored by Henry Kissinger, then National Security Advisor to President Richard Nixon, NSC 17407-cm authorized the Department of Defense to construct secret underground missile silo's that would house ICBM's. The construction of these silo's reversed previous policy of missile silo construction by allowing the DOD to keep the locations of these sites secret and by not requiring the presence of personnel within the silo to launch the missiles.
This new style of silo design was an idea of President Nixon's. He called his plan W.H.O.P.E.R., for Warhead Housing Objective Personnel Expeditious Removal (pronounced "whopper"). President Nixon had lost trust in the military chain of command, and had lost faith that when given the order to launch, those in the silo's would comply completely. He therefore sought to remove the men from the loop. The new silo's were connected directly to a button in the Oval Office, the mythical red button. Nixon also felt it was important to keep the location of these sites secret to prevent enemy sabotage and targeting of these sites as first strike targets by the enemy.
According to other recently declassified documents, the secret missile site at Sasquatch Hole was constructed in the spring of 1974 right under the noses of the citizens of Cooper. Three silo's were constructed and armed and came on-line (connected to the Oval Office) in July of that year. The Sasquatch Hole site (then referred to as the Cooper Site) was the first and only W.H.O.P.E.R. site constructed. When President Nixon resigned in August of 1974 the plan went with him. Then Secretary of State Kissinger was against the project and convinced President Ford to reverse the policy. It would seem that this was President Ford's second act as President, right after pardoning Nixon. The red button remained in the Oval Office, but was re-routed as a direct line to the White House cafeteria, so President Ford could get a plate of nachos any time he liked.
The site at Cooper was quickly covered over and forgotten about, but the missiles with their nuclear warheads remain there to this day. The Department of Defense says that plans are in the works to remove the warheads and fill the silo's with concrete just as soon as the DOD's principle contractor, Halliburton, is able to get their teams and equipment back from Iraq to do the job. When the job is done the DOD will release its hold on the annexation petition.
This revelation has also potentially solved a mystery that has puzzled Nixon biographers and historians since his death in 1994. After his death, Nixon's rumored "enemies list" surfaced and was cataloged into his presidential library. One of the last names added to the list was that of actor Dabney Coleman, added in 1983. In that year Coleman portrayed Dr. John McKittrick in the motion picture War Games. In that movie Dr. McKitrick was pushing military brass to install a super-computer to take control of all the nation's missile silo's; removing men from the loop. The name of the super-computer... W.O.P.R., pronounced "whopper". Mystery solved.
Staff Writer
January 17, 2009
The petition by Cooper to annex the area north of town known as Sasquatch Hole hit a major roadblock when the Department of Defense denied the petition based on prior military use of the land. When asked for clarification of the decision, DOD spokesperson Nancy McWhorter referred this reporter to a recently declassified document, NSC 17407-cm.
NSC 17407-cm was classified in 1973. Authored by Henry Kissinger, then National Security Advisor to President Richard Nixon, NSC 17407-cm authorized the Department of Defense to construct secret underground missile silo's that would house ICBM's. The construction of these silo's reversed previous policy of missile silo construction by allowing the DOD to keep the locations of these sites secret and by not requiring the presence of personnel within the silo to launch the missiles.
This new style of silo design was an idea of President Nixon's. He called his plan W.H.O.P.E.R., for Warhead Housing Objective Personnel Expeditious Removal (pronounced "whopper"). President Nixon had lost trust in the military chain of command, and had lost faith that when given the order to launch, those in the silo's would comply completely. He therefore sought to remove the men from the loop. The new silo's were connected directly to a button in the Oval Office, the mythical red button. Nixon also felt it was important to keep the location of these sites secret to prevent enemy sabotage and targeting of these sites as first strike targets by the enemy.
According to other recently declassified documents, the secret missile site at Sasquatch Hole was constructed in the spring of 1974 right under the noses of the citizens of Cooper. Three silo's were constructed and armed and came on-line (connected to the Oval Office) in July of that year. The Sasquatch Hole site (then referred to as the Cooper Site) was the first and only W.H.O.P.E.R. site constructed. When President Nixon resigned in August of 1974 the plan went with him. Then Secretary of State Kissinger was against the project and convinced President Ford to reverse the policy. It would seem that this was President Ford's second act as President, right after pardoning Nixon. The red button remained in the Oval Office, but was re-routed as a direct line to the White House cafeteria, so President Ford could get a plate of nachos any time he liked.
The site at Cooper was quickly covered over and forgotten about, but the missiles with their nuclear warheads remain there to this day. The Department of Defense says that plans are in the works to remove the warheads and fill the silo's with concrete just as soon as the DOD's principle contractor, Halliburton, is able to get their teams and equipment back from Iraq to do the job. When the job is done the DOD will release its hold on the annexation petition.
This revelation has also potentially solved a mystery that has puzzled Nixon biographers and historians since his death in 1994. After his death, Nixon's rumored "enemies list" surfaced and was cataloged into his presidential library. One of the last names added to the list was that of actor Dabney Coleman, added in 1983. In that year Coleman portrayed Dr. John McKittrick in the motion picture War Games. In that movie Dr. McKitrick was pushing military brass to install a super-computer to take control of all the nation's missile silo's; removing men from the loop. The name of the super-computer... W.O.P.R., pronounced "whopper". Mystery solved.
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