Where Does IPad Rank Among All-Time Inventions?

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

December 21, 2010

Another year has come to a close. That's right, 2010 is just about in the rear view mirror and its time to reflect on the year. So just what will 2010 be remembered for? Well, its the year of the IPad! The Apple IPad, what you'd get if a laptop computer mated with an IPhone, assuming the resulting offspring were unable to make phone calls. Its been all the rage among techno-geeks who can't believe how inconvenient their lives were back in "aught-nine" when they had to carry a laptop AND an IPhone.

Regardless, it is humanity's technological advancements that will track its evolution in the history books of tomorrow. So where does the Ipad rank among all time inventions? Sadly, nowhere near the top five. What are the top five? Glad you asked. Here for your enlightenment are the top five inventions in the history of humanity as determined by the editorial board of the Cooper County Times:

5. Rope: It’s hard to imagine a world without rope. Such a seemingly ubiquitous item has played such an important part in human history. Lacking a singular inventor, rope dates back to the Stone Age, a time when man lived in caves and wore animal skins, and co-existed with dinosaurs, if you believe Hannah and Barbara. It is man’s quest for adventure that separates it from the lower primates. And it is rope that has facilitated that quest for eons. How would Stone Age man have constructed a bridge over a broad river or deep canyon without rope? How would our medieval ancestors have rigged sails to a mast in order to sail over the horizon? How would ancient Egyptians have built the pyramids? No, not with the help of aliens… but with rope. Indeed, rope has given so much toward the development of humanity. Perhaps best of all, without this critical invention, the expression, “Eat Rope!” would make no sense.

4. Sarcasm: A form of spoken or written language employing irony often to insult another, sarcasm dates back much earlier than one might expect. The first known use of sarcasm was in ancient Babylon in 2312 B.C. A cuneiform tablet was discovered in southern Iraq, near Kish, on which was written a conversation between Nimrod and Sargon. The two were standing beside the Euphrates River, waiting in a crowd to bathe in the river on a hot summer day. Nimrod turned to Sargon and said, “Is it hot enough for you?” From this humble beginning, sarcasm was born. Amazingly, this very same conversation also led to the invention of the pun, when Sargon replied, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humanity.” And while Sargon’s unfortunate retort has plagued mankind ever since, Nimrod’s forward thinking statement has blessed humanity for millennia, from the lowliest angst-ridden teenager to the highest political satirist on cable television. Yeah, this really warrants a top five finish! No really, that wasn’t sarcastic… seriously; I’m trying to be sincere here. Oh, never mind.

3. China: In recent history, scholars have discovered just how advanced ancient China was compared to Europe. The Chinese invented the compass, the printing press, the harmonica, steroids, the seismometer, gunpowder, toilet paper, sesame chicken and ping (but ironically, not pong) while people in Europe were living in mud huts, cooking with dung, and eating mud and dung. So, rather than try to pick a single invention of the Chinese for this list, let us pay credit to the person who invented China. For without this land of giants there would be none of these giant inventions. So to whom do we credit with inventing China? Why, some white guy of course. Vasco de Gama? Nah, sounds too ethnic. Marco Polo? No, too swarthy. 20th Century biologist turned historian Joseph Needham? Let’s see… British, Cambridge educated, a member of the Royal Society! Yeah, he’s our guy.

2. God: As humans evolved into a more sedentary, agrarian existence, and population densities grew, a way of maintaining order was needed. Neighbors’ wives were being coveted, pig flesh was being handled improperly, goats were being sodomized. It was the Bronze Age equivalent of spring break. So village elders got together and concocted a story that would explain both man’s existence and purpose on earth, as well as maintain a sense of order by promising paradise in the afterlife or threatening damnation for misdeeds. They invented God, the all seeing, all knowing, invisible, unknowable force that controlled everyone’s lives. If you did right by him you’d receive forty virgins in heaven (feature not available in all locations). If you failed to follow the rules, and God would notice, you would face the risk of spending eternity in hell, a place known for its extreme heat , darkness, and sulphuric aroma (not unlike a port-a-potty at the state fair). The idea worked so well that it was quickly franchised and spread around the world. From the Inuit in the arctic north, to the Olmec and Inca in Central America, even across the sea to the Aborigines of Australia and Maori of New Zealand. Two things this “God” concept had in common across all franchises, the threat of punishment for bad behavior and the need for the poor to give all their money to the rich. The invention of God has proved so successful that the business model has been copied frequently over the centuries. European monarchies had a good run with the idea, but eventually their mortality did them in. Most recently the Republican Party has attempted to capture the “God” business model, and has had some success in taking money from the poor, but has yet to deliver on its promise of an Edenic afterlife.

1. The Forward Pass: The game of football did not always look as it does today. When it began over 100 years ago, the game, played on college campuses, consisted solely of offensive players running with the ball directly into a mass of humanity pushing against one another centered on the line of scrimmage. This form of the game was so violent and often deadly that in 1905 former Rough Rider and current President Theodore Roosevelt met with a board of College Presidents and re-wrote the rules of football. Roosevelt provided the offense with the opportunity to hurl the pigskin through the air across the line of scrimmage in hopes that another offensive player would catch the ball prior to its touching the ground, whereby the offensive player would then be empowered to run with the ball toward the end zone until he either score a touchdown, step out of bounds or be tackled by a defender. However, if the pass were to fall incomplete, possession of the ball would be turned over to the defending team. The first pass attempt was made by Saint Louis University quarterback Bradbury Robinson on September 5, 1906. Robinson’s first attempt to receiver Jack Schneider fell incomplete, turning the ball over to opponent Carroll College. On Saint Louis’s next possession, Robinson hit Schneider for a 20 yard touchdown, and the world hasn’t been the same since. 104 years later, the forward pass has propelled the sport of football and the National Football League into a multi-billion dollar business. The Super Bowl has become the largest single sporting event in the world, bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars to the NFL. The NCAA makes hundreds of millions of dollars exploiting their student athletes’ abilities to throw and catch that same forward pass that was invented over 100 years ago. And most every American male devotes a portion of every Sunday from September through January worshipping at the altar of football. In fact, the forward pass has proven to be even more effective than God at convincing the poor to give their money to the rich. Yes, whether it be buying a certain brand of beer, wearing a certain colored shirt, or appropriating tax dollars to the building of stadiums rather than schools, the forward pass truly has shaped our modern society more than we can imagine.

So there they are, the top five inventions in the history of humanity. Disagree? What, you think the wheel or fire should be on the list? Well if you're so damn smart make your own list. Until then, Eat Rope, Ugly!

Something Special To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving

by Kilgore Trout

Staff Writer

November 22, 2010

Thanksgiving is upon us once again. The one day each year we set aside to take time to remember those people and things that mean so much to us. This year I propose that we all take a moment to give thanks for one special thing that we often overlook, but if absent would create quite a void in our daily lives. This year let us all give thanks for Baking Soda!

Also known as Sodium bicarbonate, with the formula NaHCO3 , baking soda is quite possibly the most versatile chemical compound known to man. A rather simple compound, one carbon atom double bonded to one oxygen atom, single bonded to an oxygen/hydrogen pair, and single bonded to another negatively charged oxygen atom with a positive charged sodium atom hovering around it. Such a simple compound with so many uses. What other substance do we use in both baking bread and cleaning our toilets? In whitening our teeth and deodorizing our refrigerators? In treating heartburn and fattening cattle? In washing our clothes and extinguishing our grease fires? Indeed, this is one quite remarkable chemical.

Baking soda was first used by the ancient Egyptians as a cleaning agent. It has been used in its natural form for thousands of years, but not until the late 19th century was the compound isolated and mass-produced. In 1894 Chicago chemist Don Sikorski isolated sodium bicarbonate from natron, its natural form, and studied the compound. Sikorski, who was known for his remarkably white teeth, was to baking soda what George Washington Carver was to the peanut. He devised dozens of uses for the versatile powder, including some that have fallen out of fashion since his time. His most controversial theory was that baking soda could revive the recently deceased. Unfortunately for Sikorski his theory did not pan out, and when the dozens of corpses were discovered he was tried and convicted for murder, which was quite rare in Chicago at that time, the conviction, not the murder. After his conviction, his many patents were bought for peanuts by the Arm & Hammer Corporation, which has since become synonymous with the commercial production and sale of baking soda and products containing baking soda.

Sikorski’s ultimate disgrace is likely the reason he has been forgotten by historians and chemists alike, but his story does have a connection to the history of Cooper. Sikorski’s grandson, hoping to escape the shame brought upon by his grandfather, emigrated to Cooper in 1920, and found work as (what else!) a cooper. Sikorski’s descendants live in Cooper to this day, and no doubt there’s a box of baking soda in their fridge or pantry.

So while you’re buttering that biscuit at Thanksgiving dinner, or taking that antacid after your meal, or smothering that grease fire in the kitchen, take a moment to give thanks for baking soda, quite possibly the most important white powder in the world, besides cocaine of course. Baking soda is more loyal than a friend, more reliable than a loved one, lasts longer than your average pet, and has probably bailed you out of more trouble than any cranberry or yam. Yet it is happy to remain in the shadows, as a mere ingredient. This Thanksgiving let us save the seat of honor at our dinner table for that irreplaceable little yellow box of life, the baking soda.

Religion Comment Costs Mabus the Election

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

November 3, 2010


Cooper Town Councilman Mabus the Sasquatch has officially lost the election for Governor of Minnesota, and he only has himself to blame. In what may go down as the biggest blunder in political history, Mabus created a firestorm just two days before the election when he made an unflattering comment about religion to someone whom he didn't know was a reporter.

On Sunday October 31, Councilman Mabus was out to breakfast at the IHOP in Cooper doing some last minute campaigning while enjoying breakfast. A patron of the establishment, who was actually a reporter for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, asked Mabus if he would be attending Church services today. The response from Candidate Mabus was something nobody was expecting.

"I'm afraid I don't believe in your Ghost Stories", Mabus responded with a smile. "I might just as soon spend my day chasing your Easter Bunny or perhaps conversing with your Tooth Fairy." The reporter then asked Candidate Mabus if he, in fact, did not believe in God. "I am familiar with your concept of God", Mabus responded,"and I must say he is perhaps the greatest invention humans have ever made. If we Sasquatches spent all our time, hands folded, making wishes, we would have gone extinct millenia ago."

The story of Mabus' gaffe broke Monday morning, and unleashed a torrent of complaints to Mabus' campaign headquarters. National and local talk radio programs spent much of the day dissecting the comments and postulating as to the consequences they may have on the election. Right wing radio commentators found themselves in quite a quandary trying to support Mabus while also attempting to maintain their strong right-wing pro-religion stances. Conservative flag bearer Rush Limbaugh said of Mabus, "You've got a man who espouses all the core conservative beliefs, save one, religion. That still makes him more of a true conservative than John McCain or George W. Bush. Rather than condemn him and ensure the election of some Communist liberal in Minnesota, lets just 'overlook' this one thing, vote him in, and then work on the religion thing. It's like my father always used to say, if you can't bring the Sasquatch to the Church, bring the Church to the Sasquatch."

Mabus' opponents were quick to jump on the controversy. Democratic candidate Mark Dayton said, "How can you trust a man who is seemingly so out of touch with Minnesota's core values?" While Republican candidate Tom Emmer pulled no punches. "Don't you see how he's mocking us all?" he said. "I guess we're all just too dumb to see the truth, his truth. Why, he's nothing more than a Liberal in sheep's clothing... er, in Sasquatch's clothing. It's a good thing the truth came out before Minnesotans go to the polls."

Late last night, after the polls closed and it was certain that Mabus had lost the race for Governor, the candidate issued this comment, "Don't think that I won't find another way to carry out my plan. This is only the beginning. I shall return." In this reporter's opinion, Mabus sounds very much like Cobra Commander, or perhaps General McArthur.

Mabus' religion comments will join the ranks of all-time political gaffe's: George Bush's "Read my lips, no new taxes.", Sara Palin's "I can see Russia from my house", Barry Goldwater's "Nuke'em back to the stone age", James Buchanan's "South Carolina has seceded? Well I guess that takes care of that", and Herbert Hoover's "Stock market crash? Why the f*** should I care about the stock market crash". And as for his cryptic comments last night, well we've always known this is one bizarre Sasquatch.

Mabus will be returning to his seat on the Cooper Town Council, where he still has one year remaining on his term. Perhaps he will next set his sights on a 2012 senate run. Or perhaps his "plan" aims even higher! One thing is certain, it sure has been an interesting run.

Short-Lived Halloween Treats of Years Gone By

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

October 27, 2010

Halloween, that magical night of the year when children of all ages, regardless of their costume, act like hobos and parade through their neighborhoods begging for candy, is once again upon us. Largely due to the need for every household to stock a bowl of candy treats, Halloween has become the second most expensive holiday in the United States, behind only Christmas.

Despite the fact that most candy purchased is going to be given away to strangers, consumers have proven to be rather picky about what they buy. In fact, there's a whole list of candies from Halloweens past that, for one reason or another, just didn't make it. Here's a few examples:

Farley's Monkey Paws: Made during the gummy craze of 1987, Farley's Monkey Paws were advertised as the only gummy candy full of real monkey goodness. What Farley's didn't tell us was that the gelatin used to make the gummy Monkey Paws was made from the ground up bones of actual monkeys. The production operation was so sloppy that there were even reports of some bags of Monkey Paws that had monkey hairs stuck to the candy. Farley's settled a class-action lawsuit out of court and ever since has ensured that all gelatin production is limited to the ground-up bones of horses, and the occasional clumsy employee.

Absinthe Joy: This potentially lethal treat dates back to 1922, when everything was 'roarin'. The absinthe flavoring in this small chocolate bar made with coconut came from the highly alcoholic spirit absinthe, distilled from the flowers and leaves of the wormwood plant. Absinthe tastes much like black licorice, but contains a potentially dangerous psychoactive drug. Absinthe was banned in the United States in 1915, but this candy bar was snuck into the country by the Nestle company based in Switzerland. The Absinthe Joy candy bar was pulled after only one year when many young children reported seeing colors that weren't invented until the 1960's, and complained that their fingers were too loud. Trippin' balls!

Pearson's Lint Patties: In 1931, the Pearson's candy company of St. Paul, Minnesota simply did not have enough cash on hand to purchase the by-products to make their mint patties. Not wanting to miss out on the Halloween season, Pearson's found an alternative. They paid young children a nickel per pound for lint. Hordes of children were seen roaming the streets of St. Paul attacking men lined up at soup kitchens and employment offices, rummaging through their empty pockets searching for lint. It was because of these sometimes violent mobs of young lint collectors that many men began to wear their pants with the pockets pulled out, showing the children that they had no lint to give. This look caught on and eventually the trend became known as wearing Hoover wings, named for President Hoover, who had no answer for the the great depression looming over America. The lint, pressed into a wafer and coated in chocolate, was about as tasty as it sounded, but bad candy was better than no candy. The next year, P. Edward Pearson, the company's founder and president, hit a long shot at the horse track and the Pearson's candy company was able to switch back to using mint in their patties.

Sour Muff Kids: Another gummy candy on the list, Sour Muff Kids candy, which hit the shelves in 1985, was a take on the wildly popular Cabbage Patch Kids dolls of the 1980's. It was nothing more than a gummy candy pressed to look like a doll's head. The candy was then coated in ascorbic acid, giving it a very sour taste. The candy proved to be quite popular, but the name caused some controversy. Several busy-body mother's groups sent venomous letters of protest to the Cadbury Company, the makers of the candy. Cadbury heard their complaints and vowed that those mothers would never again have to worry about Sour Muffs. The very same candy was renamed Sour Patch Kids, and has been in production ever since.

Twizzler's Asparagus Twists: The "Blossom" craze of the mid 1990's created a large market for candy that fit into a vegetarian lifestyle. In 1997, Hershey, the makers of Twizzler's licorice saw this potential and created a licorice from asparagus. It wasn't the unfortunate color of the Asparagus Twists that did them in, a hideous pea green color. It wasn't even the questionable flavor combination of asparagus and anise that was the problem. Twizzler's Asparagus Twists didn't last because they made people's urine smell horrible. Ever since, Twizzler's has stuck to cherry, strawberry and black licorice, which only makes people's urine smell moderately bad.

Candied Cream Corn: In 1977, the Brach's company out of Illinois attempted to branch out from the wildly popular candy corn and introduced Candied Cream Corn. It was pretty much just Candy Corn packaged in a slurry of corn syrup and something that looked like toenail clippings. The ultra high sugar content of this candy was its downfall. One serving of Candied Cream Corn contained the equivalent of 4 pounds of grain sugar. Diagnoses of juvenile diabetes skyrocketed in the fall of 1977. The FDA and CDC traced this public health crisis to the Brach's treat and forced them to stop production after just the one Halloween season, but the damage had already been done. Horror writer Stephen King wrote a short story about the effects Candied Cream Corn had on children that autumn... the story would eventually become the 1984 motion picture "Children of the Corn", where children murder all the adults in a small Nebraska town.

So this Halloween, take a good look at the candy filling up your children's' buckets. There's a chance that something in there will never be seen again. The great mystery is not why these candies were ever made in the first place... it is why these candies failed and those disgusting peanut butter flavored toffee balls continue to be made year after year. Happy Halloween!

Motherf***er: The Etymology of a Slur

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

August 16, 2010

Is it true?… The origin of the slur, motherf***er can be traced to former President Millard Filmore. Filmore, who served as the Vice President to Zachary Taylor from 1849-1850, was himself thrust into the Oval Office in 1850 after the untimely death of Taylor. He left office in 1853 when Democrat Franklin Pierce, who bore no resemblance to the M*A*S*H* character of the same name played by Alan Alda, was sworn in as the 14th President. Filmore, desperate to return to Washington, ran for president as a third party candidate in 1856, taking votes from Republican John C. Fremont, thereby throwing the election to Democrat James Buchanan. Let us not forget that it was during the Presidency of Buchanan that South Carolina seceded from the Union, igniting the Civil War. Had it not been for Filmore, perhaps American history would look quite different.

Ever since, Republicans have used the slur MF’er when discussing a hated rival, (see Richard Nixon). Abraham Lincoln was heard to refer to General George B. McClellan as a MF’er. Rutherford B. Hayes referred to Samuel Tilden as the same. Benjamin Harrison famously referred to Prohibitionist Carrie Nation as “that f***ing MF’er”, the first time that MF’er was used against a woman. However, after a few generations, the origin of the slur had become lost to history.

In 1922, during one of his secret poker games at the White House, President Warren G. Harding was asked why so many other Republicans were referring to his as President MF’er, (this was during the peak of the Teapot Dome scandal). Harding, a well known philanderer, assumed that the ‘F’ stood for F***, and guessed, jokingly, that the ‘M’ could stand for Mother. The rhyme garnered quite a few chuckles around the table, and the slur stuck.

From that day on, motherf***er could be heard everywhere, from the battlefields of Europe and the Pacific, to Nixon’s oval office. Comedian George Carlin even included motherf***er in his list of seven words you can’t say on television. It is even rumored that throughout his acting career, Samuel L. Jackson has “dropped the MF’er bomb” on screen 113, 724 times! Now that’s a lot of Millard Filmore’s!

Now that the truth has been revealed about this etymological mystery, let us civilized Americans clean up our language. When a situation calls for a “motherf***er, why not take the slur back to its origin and simply call the offending party a “Millard Filmore”. They won’t know what hit them.

Mabus Is A Hero, Stops Oil Flow

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 28, 2010

In a rare instance of a politician keeping his promise and demonstrating competence, Mabus the Sasquatch, member of the Cooper Town Council and President Obama's pick to head up the Gulf oil spill mission, has miraculously capped the gushing oil well which has spewed crude into the Gulf of Mexico for over two months.

"The engineering solution was quite simple", Mabus said in his press conference yesterday from New Orleans. "Any child who has played in the yard on a hot summer day knows that the best way to stop the flow of water from a garden hose is not to screw on a cap... its to kink the hose." Mabus' analogy inspired the engineers to devise a scheme whereby a pneumatic clamp would be placed around the pipe coming into the failed blowout preventor from the ground below. The clamp was tightened, reducing the flow of oil to a mere trickle. Once that was done, a special concrete mixture was poured over the top of the well along with many barges full of rock and gravel, encasing the pipeline, blowout preventor, and pneumatic clamp in a permanent block. Within 24 hours of the initial clamping, the well was deemed secure.

As the drilling of relief wells continues, the mission now shifts to the clean-up job along the Gulf coast. Last week, Mabus authorized the purchase of several centrifuge separator units designed and built by Hollywood actor Kevin Costner. "How could I say no to Kevin Costner?" Mabus said. "I just loved him in 'Fandango'. What's more, his apparatus actually works, unlike the storyline from 'Waterworld'." The centrifuges will be disseminated around the gulf, wherever oil plumes are seen threatening beaches and wetlands.

Mabus will remain on the job through the end of July, overseeing the clean-up effort. But he will keep his promise and be back in Cooper on July 4th to serve as Grand Marshall of the Cooper 4th of July Parade. Organizers are already preparing for an onslaught of national media as well as a larger than normal crowd of spectators for the Hero's return.

The national media have already elevated Mabus to hero status, comparing his meteoric political rise to that of former President Herbert Hoover, who was elected in 1928 due largely to his heroic efforts dealing with the great Mississippi flood of 1927. While the White House may not be in the cards for Councilman Mabus, his success in the Gulf will almost certainly elevate him into the Minnesota Governor's Mansion.

The Cooper July 4th Parade will begin at 11 am on Sunday. The course runs down Main street, beginning at the High School and ending at Zimmerman's Hardware, where all Charcoal grills are now half price. May all of Cooper turn out to give our native son the hero's welcome he deserves.

Obama Picks Mabus to Head Up Gulf Operation

by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer

June 17, 2010

On Tuesday,from the Oval Office, in front of a national audience, President Barack Obama named Mabus the Sasquatch as the head of a specially created commission responsible for containing and cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Mabus the Sasquatch, currently a member of the Cooper Town Council, and the Tea Party's candidate for Governor of Minnesota, was a surprising choice by the president, considering his lack of experience on a national scale and lack of knowledge of the Gulf region, not to mention his far right political leanings. When asked why, President Obama lauded Mabus' knowledge of the environment and his no-nonsense approach to problem solving. "I'm confident", said President Obama, "that Mr. Mabus will do what it takes, and do it quickly, to bring this crisis under control and restore the ecosystem of the Gulf coast. He will have the entire backing of the United States federal government, as well as the support of BP."

The much maligned British Petroleum Chief Executive, Tony Hayward, would not comment on the choice of a Sasquatch to head up the executive commission to deal with his company's oil spill. However, one anonymous source told this reporter that Hayward was overheard saying, "Leave it to the bloody Yanks to pick that giant hair ball to solve this mess. Perhaps we can shave his back and use the hair to clog up the well!" At this point, perhaps Hayward and BP should be willing to try anything.

Councilman Mabus stood for an impromptu press conference at MSP International Airport yesterday, just before boarding a plane to New Orleans. "I thank the President for entrusting me with this task," Mabus said. "I feel that my unique experiences are well suited for the duty laid out before me, and am confident that I can bring this situation under control quite quickly, before more animals and humans have to suffer."

When asked if this task would force him out of the race for governor, Mabus responded, "I fully expect to complete this mission in a matter of a few weeks, and will return to the campaign trail by your 4th of July holiday. I am quite thrilled a being chosen as the Grand Marshall for the Cooper 4th of July Parade!"

One last question shouted to Councilman Maubs as he boarded the plane was what his first step would be in the clean up process. Mabus, responding with a smirk, "Purchase a lot of Dawn dish soap!"

So there you have it. Our very own Mabus claims he will have the leaking BP oil well capped and the oil cleaned out of the Gulf region by the 4th of July. Could it be that he knows something that all our scientists and engineers do not? Or is he simply portraying the unrealistic optimism that all politicians do during an election year? One thing is certain, the entire Nation... the entire world is pulling for you. God's speed, Sasquatch. God's speed.