by Kilgore Trout
Staff Writer
December 11, 2009
Unless you've been living in a cave for the last few years, you're probably familiar with the Apple I-Phone, the latest techno gizmo that we can't believe we lived without for so long. More than just a phone, the I-Phone is also a laptop, web browser and game console that fits in the palm of your hand. And unlike those ancient gaming consoles from our childhood, finding a game, or app (short for application) for your I-phone doesn't involve going to Toys-r-Us and getting it out of a glass case, (nor do you have to blow the dust out of the cartridge before inserting it into the console). All apps can simply be uploaded from the Internet right to your I-Phone from what's called the app store.
There are apps for nearly everything imaginable; practical ones such as a restaurant finder, to ridiculous ones such as an image of a beer mug where you can pour the beer out by tipping your I-Phone to the side. Not all apps are successful, however. Here's a list of some apps you won't find on the app store site this holiday shopping season:
The Floss Alert: This simple app allowed the user to set an alarm reminding them to floss their teeth either once or twice a day. We're all familiar with that awkward pause when the dentist asks us how often we floss, as if he doesn't know that we're trying to come up with a believable lie. With the floss alert app you'll feel the same guilt you get from your dentist daily rather than twice a year. The floss alert proved to be a flop when people realised that the loud high-pitched alert from the I-Phone was actually less annoying than going through the trouble of flossing.
The Segal Quote: Who hasn't been in a conversation where a great quote from an action movie would really put a punch to the end of a sentence. The Segal Quote app was created to provide the user of this app with a "punchy" quote from one of the many movies of actor Steven Segal, which they could then slip into their conversation for a big laugh. The problem with the Segal Quote app... unlike Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jeff Speakman, Patrick Swayze, and countless other contemporary action movie stars, Steven Segal never once uttered a memorable phrase in any of his movies.
Corn or Bunion: Who hasn't had something on their foot or a toe and wondered, "is that a corn or a bunion?" Well this app was created to solve that mystery. Simply snap a photo of the mysterious object in question using your I-Phone, click on a few buttons, and you'll get a diagnosis from a licensed podiatrist in a matter of minutes, any time day or night. This app was pulled from the app store when it was discovered that the photos were not sent to an actual podiatrist, but rather were going to a retired janitor with a foot fetish living in a trailer park outside of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Remarkably, his diagnoses were always correct.
Elephant Locator: This whimsical app would inform its user just how far he was from the nearest elephant at any given time. Be it a circus elephant, zoo exhibit, or one still roaming the savannas of Africa, the elephant locator app would give us the peace of mind knowing that we were safely out of range of a stampede, or let us know to be wary for one lurked nearby. PETA put a stop to this app not long after its launch. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals were not against the placement of GPS chips in all elephants. Rather, PETA was wary of people blaming elephants for the resulting brain tumors the I-phone users would receive from the radiation their phones were pumping into their bodies.
"Funny or Not": This app, based on a short lived marketing campaign of TBS, was a way of receiving an impartial opinion as to the comedic value of any joke or situation. The user would describe the material in question and would receive a ruling of funny or not funny. The site proved to be very valuable for many professionals, comedians, advertisers, writers, etc. Unfortunately it couldn't save everyone from making comedic errors... Michael Richards, for example. The "Funny or Not" app lost all credibility among professionals, however when it consistently rated the material of comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham as funny. One wonders how it would rate this blog.
Uvula Cam: This app billed itself as the way for people to finally see their uvulas, and their friends' uvulas in action. A small camera would be inserted into the user and their uvula would be broadcast 24 hours a day on their I-Phone. They could then allow friends to view their uvula on their I-Phones and vice versa. When launched, this app set records for sales. Surprisingly, it wasn't the invasiveness of having a small camera implanted into ones body that killed this app. It turned out that people were much less excited about the app once they realised what the uvula actually is.
Ballot Caster: This app was released in the fall of 2008, just in time for the November elections. The idea of the ballot caster was to tell users who to vote for in all those little elections that fill out a ballot. The user simply had to enter their zip code and the ballot caster would show who they should vote for in every election on the ballot, from president and senator, all the way down to school board member and dog catcher. The app was discontinued a few months after election day when it was revealed that the ballot caster favored democratic contenders over republican contenders 3 to 1. Republicans were up in arms over the results, but the creators of the app said "we programmed the computer to make all decisions based on the logic and intelligence of the candidates. We can't help it if there isn't much logic or intelligence in the republican party."
